Consent is sexy. Consent is key. And consent isn’t a luxury, it’s a requirement. I’d like to think anyone following my blog already knows that, but that’s in all types of play, scenes, and sexual experiences, not just the private sexy one-on-one times you have with a partner.
John Brownstone and I have flirted with the idea of threesomes. Because we’re both pretty open with our sexuality, or at least we think we are (there’s no telling until you actually experience something), that third can be a man or a woman. It’s just a matter of finding the right fit for us.
We’ve played with a third in a non-sexual way before in the dungeon. And hell, I’ve had the experience of three Dominants in one session. None of it would have happened without consent. Here’s how this works.
Daddy has to consent to the idea. I have to consent to it. The third (or hell, fourth and fifth, if you’re feeling really kinky) has to consent. Everyone has to have a good idea of what’s going to happen and what they’re willing to do. Sure, heat of the moment stuff is fun and amazing, but we’re all adults so there must be a conversation that takes place first to make sure everyone is willing and able.
In our dungeon scenes, it’s almost easy because we only play with experienced people. Considering we still consider ourselves relatively inexperienced in comparison, this feels safest to us. The way it works is that the third either approaches us or we approach them. Daddy knows if I’m willing before anyone speaks to each other. The third asks Daddy’s permission to participate (or vice versa). He asks my permission (even when he already knows how I feel). It’s protocol. Because he’s the Dominant, they approach him, and then as his submissive, he comes to me.
When he discusses it with me, I ask about a million questions. If he doesn’t have the answer, we get them. But in this scenario, the third is depending on Daddy to lead. He knows my reactions and responses. He’s in charge of making sure consent continues throughout the scene, and he does this by asking for colors. Green means keep going, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. And when you’re in the middle of an endorphin-fueled spiral, you might say greeny-yellowy-please-don’t-stop-but-stop-with-that-implement-of-destruction. (It’s a technical term.)
A scene with multiple people (or even just the two of you) requires continuous checking in, especially if you’re like me and will only use your safe word when it becomes so unbearable you think you’ll bust apart at the seams. That checking in is more than just making sure you’re doing okay. It’s also a check for continued consent.
Anyone in the group can withdraw consent at any time. For the third who’s playing, they can just be done and walk away. Withdrawing consent doesn’t mean something bad happened. Hell, it can just mean someone’s arm got tired. For Daddy, he stops the play either when he’s exhausted or he realizes I’m too far gone to be able to continue giving clear, informed consent. (Those endorphins are powerful motherfuckers.) I withdraw consent by saying “red” when asked or using a safe word.
I haven’t had a sexually charged threesome yet, but I know that consent will be just the same, even when it’s not as clear cut. But when one or all want or need out of the scene, there’s no harsh judgment, there’s no criticism, and there’s certainly no cajoling. Consent isn’t just sexy, and it certainly isn’t a luxury. Consent is a requirement, and it can be given and withdrawn at any point. We all want to believe in the fantasy that you start a scene or sexual moment and everything flows naturally from there, no discussion needed because we’re all so in tune with one another. Well, that does sound nice, but unless you’ve played together for a while, it’s just not going to happen.
Checking in with each other, stopping for a second, and talking to one another doesn’t make the scene any less fun or sexually charged. When you know everyone is into what’s happening, taking that second to reaffirm consent is sexy as hell.
I find it appropriate that this week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt was three. Why? Because I combined three freaking things in one post: C is for Consent for Spanking A to Z; Threesomes for Wicked Wednesday; and a little bit of a reminder about the need for consent for Adult Sex Ed Month. Yeah, I’m either crazy or an over-achiever. Whatevs. Either way, pick one or all, but go find out what other people are writing about today!