I really didn’t think I was going to write about this. I figured it was a bad night and had no long-lasting effect on me. I thought I was fine. I guess I was wrong.
I feel like I should put a disclaimer up first…the last thing I want is to be accused of not realizing what I have.
I have an amazing partner, lover, friend, and Dominant in John Brownstone. He is there for me in ways I never thought possible.
I have wonderful little boys and a loving family. I have two close vanilla friends (neither of which live anywhere near me anymore) and good online/blogging/social media friends.
I am not alone in the world. I am not forgotten during the holidays. I am loved by those that matter.
And I’m aware that not everyone has as much as I do.
I went to our local BDSM coffee time/social thing last week, the third one for me. I didn’t want to go – and I used all my babygirl cuteness and silliness to convince Daddy there were better things to do. None of it worked, which I knew it wouldn’t, and so I went. I didn’t want to go because socializing in large groups is like work for me. It’s mentally and emotionally exhausting. But I’m also the type to make the best of a situation.
I arrived, found people I recognized (the same great girls from my very first event), and they moved over to let me sit at their table. This was significant to me because I offered to sit at an adjacent table so they wouldn’t have to do that. But they wouldn’t hear of it. I felt warm and fuzzy.
Soon, though, the group dispersed, turning this way and that, away from the main table to talk to other people they knew. Not knowing anyone but them, I sat there, people-watching. If not for a Daddy Dom who took pity on me, I wouldn’t have had anyone to talk to. I was alone in a crowded room.
For those extroverts out there, I know what you’re thinking. Why didn’t I just start talking to someone? You might as well ask me to pick up live snakes and wrap them around my body. Neither will ever happen.
For the introverts out, there, I know that too. Why didn’t I just leave?
I wanted to leave. But I’m eternally optimistic. I thought it might get better.
I sat and listened to the kind Dom who chatted with me. Being a listener has it’s perks. I learned more about him in the 10 minute conversation we had then I thought possible. I barely said a word (it didn’t seem necessary), and for a few minutes, I didn’t feel quite so alone.
By the time I made it to the car (as soon as I felt like it was okay to leave), I was in tears. That probably sounds silly, right?
The nice Dom talked to me, and I left when I wanted to, so what’s there to be upset about? Now I come to the heart of it all…
I am desperately lonely. Not for love – I am surrounded by that. Not even for kindness – I have that both in my home and in my online life.
One of the consequences (challenges?) of being an introvert who doesn’t “collect” friends is that when you only have one or two close friends (which is my preference), you may be without those people more often than you’d like. I want someone here, in my area, that I can talk to, have coffee with, hug, and laugh with.
I realize it takes time. I realize that if I never leave my house, I will never make friends (okay, a friend). I know that. And the fact that I’m going to these weekly events is my way of trying.
But in the meantime, I find myself alone in a crowded room – both in the physical world and in the online world – more often than not. Most of the time, I don’t notice and pretend I don’t care. But sometimes, and maybe it’s because of the holidays, I’m very aware of how lonely I am.
I’m not sure why I’m sharing this with the world at large. It’s not sexy. It doesn’t teach anyone anything. There’s certainly no kinky fuckery involved…not even that night when I came home and fell into Daddy’s arms. I sobbed and told him that I would go back a few more times but if it kept happening, I wasn’t doing it anymore. I don’t have to pay to be alone in a crowded room, and I won’t.
But I’ll keep trying. And I’ll get over this momentary feeling of sadness (hell, by the time most people read it, I’ll be better again). Why? Because hope springs eternal, and I will tell myself to suck it up and keep moving forward. This too shall pass.
I guess I share this so that the introverts in the room will know they’re not alone. I understand and get you. And so that the extroverts, the socializers, the people who mix and mingle so easily (I am envious of you all) will maybe see a quiet person sitting by themselves and realize that might be someone like me – unable to make themselves join in but desperately wishing for a connection.
Kayla, I’m so sorry, I naturally gravitate to the lost person in the room, I can almost sense them and their feelings make me uneasy so I want to make whomever it is feel more safe. Whatever it is that I do, call it being extroverted if you will, I have always done it, I don’t even notice I’m doing it most of the time.
You are a very smart and funny person Kayla, with quite a bit to offer people, give these people some time and keep going to the munches, it takes time for us extroverts to crack open your shell 🙂
Aww, thanks, Peep. and I believe it about you. 🙂
I know that part of it is on me. I do have a shell, and I withhold a lot in the beginning. I think I was so surprised at how well the first two times went (the last time, I was almost outgoing, lol) that this last time surprised and disappointed.
I’ll keep going in the hopes that the next time is better. 🙂
i so get it. I have one friend whom I go to breakfast with monthly. I have a bunch of online friends, and a bunch of online friends who are also vanilla/real life friends who live far away so we can’t hang out. But going into a room with a crowd is daunting to me. (Shakes your hand…hi, i’m an introvert….). My wife is an extrovert and just doesn’t really get it. I guess you just have to do what makes you happy…having one friend is about all I can handle…but it is nice to have the option of her being there. Sending hugs and love…I know how hard this is! I really really get it!
(((HUGS))) Thanks, nilla.
There was a time (many years ago) when I would have taken it personally, as if it was something I had done wrong or whatever. I know that’s not really it. People were talking to people they knew and wanted to see. I haven’t earned that status (yet, I hope). But it definitely sucks.
Oh kiddo this pains me to hear. I am a social butterfly and have been accused of hunting down introverts and trying to covert them. Of course knowing you (and your Sir) to some degree I could not have let you sit by yourself.
No this is not sexy, not some crazed fantasy world but it is honest and how you feel and that is the beauty of being free to blog and express who you really are, in good and bad times.
I wish you both much joy in not just this holiday season but in the years to come.
Thanks, LR. I think the Daddy Dom who spoke to me felt the same way. It was very kind of him to do, and it’s kind of you to do for others. There are times when I truly do want to be left alone and can’t handle the “conversion” lol. But in a situation that is designed to be social, people like me need someone to draw them out.
I hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday. I’ll get over to Tsu eventually to hang out there. 🙂
I love being an introvert. We are passionate and deep thinkers. We feel deeply and once we realize it’s okay to be this way, we can embrace ourselves even more. This is the way God made us. No mistakes.
I love being an introvert most of the time. I’ve read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain, and it changed how I look at it all. I’m much more comfortable in my own skin than I used to be but there are times when it’s difficult. This was one of those times.
Aww. I get this totally. I have no hard time meeting people in situations like that so I commend you for staying for as long as you did. I tend to get very depressed after things like this.
I have been depressed since last week (although I hid it well). But the first two times went so well, I didn’t expect this. Hopefully the next one will be better.
[…] I’m not exactly sure what the cry was about, though when I read Kayla Lords post “All Alone in a Crowded Room” a few minutes ago, I felt myself tearing up again, and feeling both (vicariously) lonely for […]
Kayla, I totally get this. Many people think I’m an extrovert, but I’m not. I can be extroverted when I absolutely need to, like at work or on stage. I know what you’re looking for and I feel the same way. Too many tears shed over this, but I know that friend is out there and I’m looking forward to that day. Keep hopeful because you’re such a wonderful person the right friend will be knocking at your door before you know it because you deserve it.
((HUGS)) Thank you. We’ll both find that person…I’m sure of it.
And yes, I used to be confused with an extrovert – in my professional life. I can be the life of the party if it’s in my job description. /giggles
I cannot thank you enough for posting this. Story of my life. But you have been more brave than I. I have not gathered the courage to go to a munch or anything like it alone. And making friends on my own is absolutely exhausting… But I like having friends, real friends. I need friendships for support. My words are not coming out the way I had hoped. My apologies for rambling.
Thanks again for sharing and showing me that I am not alone.
No need for apologies. You made yourself perfectly clear. 🙂
The fear in putting yourself out there is real. But you can overcome it. You just have to decide that what you want is worth it. ((HUGS))
I know that thee is something missing that I am unable to fulfill which is why I wanted you to go to these socials.
My hope was that you could meet someone who would not only be a friend but also understand your kink side. By having you go; even though by yourself it was also my way of giving you a break from the boys and even me.
Oh Daddy, what you’re helping me do is the right thing. I know it is. Last week was just a bad moment…and hopefully, it was an aberration. I had my first experience with a trigger (who knew it could happen?) and I was set off down the rabbit hole of anxiety and sadness. I’ll be fine…I always am – because I have you. 🙂
Good for you for going and for staying, and for leaving when you needed to. I relate hugely to your situation. It is so….human.
I have two close friends close by, but since I started grad school, my life has changed so drastically (as has theirs) that we go months without seeing each other. I get to feeling horribly ashamed about not being a better friend, so I isolate even more.
Thank God for having adult children who I adore and can (occasionally) hang out with.
((HUGS)) Real friends understand isolation and the need to be off in a different direction. One of my closest friends is someone I only see once a year, text once or twice a month, and yet, she’s also the one I know who would come running in a second if I needed her.
This is the reason I started blogging, for almost three years I was alone. I was isolated in location, and there were no females to whom I could relate to – even if I wanted to. Not even my husband was around, except maybe once a week – where he slept from exhaustion. It was horrible. It has changed me, and not for the good.
Thank goodness for the blogging community, for not feeling alone or odd. For support. For someone listening and responding.
And when I moved to my current location, I went to a munch and felt alone in a room, realizing I had lost some skills with people, and unsure how to approach them. That is a terrible feeling, and I understand your tears.
If we lived close, I would love to sit and chat with you, even if we just stayed home. There is something necessary with connecting to another person, to me.
((((HUGS)))) If we lived close, I would love that. When I have the rare occasion to meet a fellow blogger in real life, I immediately feel close and connected to them.
Our favorite munch/local lifestyle groups (we like 2, but there are several) take integrating visitors and making people feel welcome very seriously. It hurts me to hear all the stories of being left alone and ignored for any amount of time.
I adore my blogging community – without everyone here, I’d probably have gone crazy many years ago. (((HUGS)))
If you ever want a virtual chat, email me…no really, I mean it. kaylalords (at) gmail (dot) com
(Nodding head) Yes, I am “on” in my job and I can do it for a long period of time when I need to, but the single WORST thing I can think about doing is walking into a room full of strangers. It’s so overwhelming, sometimes I will stay in a toxic situation because the thought of the change is so brutal. I have attended a church for 4 years now with Mr.HH. It is very large and I can’t go to ANY of its groups to get to know people. Subsequently, as the “outgoing” one in my marriage, we have virtually no friends. We go and leave without anyone noticing. I dread Sundays. Mr. HH is not bothered by this. I am crushed. Sigh.
It starts with the hardest part – going into the room of strangers (still not my favorite part). But, lo and behold, if the Universe is smiling on you, good things can happen. From that very first social, I’ve now been invited to the movies and included on a “save the date” message for an upcoming party. Do I think this will automatically lead to life-long besties? No, not at all. But does it make me feel like I’m a part of something? Yes. But you have to do the hardest part first. ((HUGS))