Body Positive

A New Project: Becoming Body Positive

Don't Worry About Your Size

It's hard to admit that you're positive about your body and at the same time acknowledge that you want to lose weight. It's hard to admit that you firmly believe all your friends should see their own beauty but that you struggle with seeing yours. I have moments when I look in the mirror, and I'm enamored with my own curves. I might want them to be slightly smaller, but that I like the shape of my body - most of the time.

Being body positive doesn't exist in a vacuum. You can't just wake up one morning, look in the mirror and think, "I'm going to love my body from now on." Well, you can, but you'd have to be a person with an amazing will to accomplish it like that. For me, it's been a step by step process.

He made me say the words.

When I first met John Brownstone, it was clear I had almost zero self esteem - when it came to my physical appearance. I knew I was intelligent, hard working, funny, a decent mom. But I thought I was unloveable, easy to forget, easy to leave, and fat and grotesque. The idea of someone seeing me naked could throw me into a mental tailspin that resulted in tears, trembling, and near-hyperventilation.

One of the first tasks he ever gave me, long before we were sexual, long before I could admit my feelings for him, was a mantraΒ to say to myself when I looked in the mirror. Every morning, I said the same words. In the beginning, I felt silly. I couldn't meet my eyes. I mumbled the words instead of saying them clearly. But I did it.

Look in the mirror

Over time...a long time, it became easier. I didn't believe the words in a literal sense, but I accepted them. Accepting these simple statements made it easier to look at myself in the mirror. I held my head up high. I gained confidence. I believe John Brownstone would say, "Mission accomplished."

I changed the scenery.

I've been on Tumblr for a couple of years. In the beginning, it helped me learn more about kink, BDSM, and Dominance and submission. But looking at all those perfect, air-brushed bodies was horrible for my self-esteem. I knew I would never look like those women, and it made the images hard to enjoy. So I changed the scenery. I purposefully followed blogs that shared images of larger women - erotic or not. I purposely reblog images of larger people that I find beautiful and that make me feel good.

I could bemoan my body images or I could do something about it. Changing the images I looked at changed how I viewed my body. If that's not proof that the media can warp and change our views, I don't know what is.

Embracing (imperfect) anthems.

I love, love, looooooooove Meghan Trainor's All About that Bass. Yes, it's receiving criticism for not "truly" being a feminist anthem. Even Trainor herself says she's not a feminist (which makes me a little sad for her, but whatevs). I'm a little tired of reading articles that pick this song apart when there are women of all ages and sizes who blast this one loudly, sing it from the top of their lungs, and shake their booty. This isn't us being brainwashed, this is an entire demographic of femininity finally hearing that we don't have to be a size 2, that (some) men want and like a little more booty to hold at night, and that we can happily and easily reject the ones who don't want us the way we are.

Yes, of course, we should love ourselves regardless of what a man (or woman) thinks of us. That's absolutely true. But the reality is that we're faced each and every day with Photoshopped images of women (and men) who can't actually be found in reality. Those bodies don't exist anywhere but on a computer. The vast majority of people who feel bad about their bodies think that no one will ever find them desirable because they're too round, too big, or too fat. What in the hell is wrong with finally having a song that throws that notion on it's ear and reminds people (especially women) that there are most definitely men who like women with curves? The bigger girls of the world get one song and we're told we shouldn't like it because it's not good enough. Fuck that. I love that song. It's my ringtone. It's my jam. It's my anthem.

Rant over.

Joining the conversation.

So, if you can'tΒ tell, I have an opinion, lol. I've been an observer in the conversation - happy to share what other people think, happy to "like" or give my online approval of what others say. But now it's time for my to join the conversation. And because body image is mostly about the visual, I've decided to do it over on Tumblr. The images in this post, and many others that I've found or created, will be shared under the tag 'Body Positive' - hopefully, others will find meaning in them. Hopefully, they'll be shared so that others can see they're not alone.

Yes, there will even be pictures of me...I'm not perfect. I want to be a bit smaller. But I'm learning to love myself at any size.

There's something empowering about accepting and embracing yourself.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, and an opinionated marketer. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

21 Comments

  • Kayla,
    i love this.
    You have hit the nail on the head once again, and beautifully. Especially when there is a failed relationship with the verbal abuse that included derogatory comments about a person’s looks. It’s hard to daily say and believe that is just one stupid person’s crass opinion. I’m getting there…you are my role model. Thank you!

    hugs
    -pp

    • (((HUGS))) Even if I hadn’t met you in person and seen you, I’d know you are a beautiful woman. Hopefully, with time and help from those who love you, you’ll see it to. (((HUGS)))

  • Kayla…this touches home with me too! I struggle everyday of my life thinking about my weight, and the virtual diet that never ends. The old moment on the lips forever on the hips quote! Society and the media has made us this way, we cannot escape it, unless our Doms or people in our lives make us feel good about ourselves, which for me turns into my own self esteem increase.

    A few weeks ago, my daughter had her wisdom teeth out, and while she was still effected by the good stuff they used on her to put her under, she kept looking at me and saying “your so beautiful” , over and over again, she would look at me with such love and sincerity and repeat those words. It warmed my heart to its core, and I really know my baby girl finds her momma beautiful! It’s moments like that that give me instant clarity.

    Love and hugs friend! Mynx

    • I’m glad you are able to see yourself through her eyes. You are so beautiful Mynx. ((HUGS))

      Another way to look at it is this…would you want your daughter ever to think she’s anything less than beautiful (regardless of her size or looks)? Of course not. Love yourself even half as much as you love her, and you’ll already see yourself in a better light. πŸ™‚

      Love you, Mynxie!

  • Mr. HH made that song my ring tone so that anyone calling me hears it as it rings my phone. Lol. I love that song for all the reasons you said. I’m also guilty of not believing his words about me. Not cool in his world to doubt him. Working on it.

    Glad you put this out there to challenge us to change our perspectives about the way we think about ourselves. When you’ve spent your whole life battling weight and seeing the effects of obesity, it can be nearly impossible to change those tapes running in your brain. But it has to be about HEALTHY not fat. Finding the right doctor has also made a difference for me. She emphasizes healthy weight that is tied to overall measures, not the number on the scale.

    • Uh yeah, miss bratty-pants…doubting your Dom = not ok. ((HUGS)) But it happens to all of us.

      We’ve been conditioned by society to think thin is best, and that there’s something wrong with us if we can’t achieve the ideal body. I’m loved for who I am, and I’ve been told that I’m not ALLOWED to become pencil thin because my Daddy prefers curves. First of all, I assured him my body is incapable of being pencil thin and second, it took the pressure off (which allowed me to gain 15 unwanted pounds, lol).

      I think of it this way – if we love and adore our children, friends, and family and find them beautiful simply being for who they are, why can’t we do it for ourselves? ((HUGS))

      • Miss Bratty-pants? You must have me confused with someone else. Lol.

        So today I got back on the scale to see where I have back slidden to and found I’ve lost .4 pounds since October 22. No obsessing. I was delighted and thought about this post. I have 30 more to go to get in the better-for-my-health range, but I’m going to work on remembering that this is the body that gave birth to two half grown men. It deserves a few badges of honor.

        Mr. HH tells me constantly that curves are his preference. I think he’s safe. I’ll be dead before I get back to anorexic thin again. I’ve learned to cook!

        Xo, beautiful girl!

        • I weigh myself twice a month – the 1st and the 15th. If I like what I see on the number, I smile and move on. If I don’t, I think of where I slipped – and it’s name usually begins with “Starbucks” – and I consider what I’m willing to eliminate.

          I’ll never be thin either…I know how to cook AND I like to eat. And I’m cool with that. πŸ™‚

  • an issue that speaks to so many of us. we aren’t perfect but we ain’t broke. But yeah, it’s hammered into us over and over again in the media we are all exposed to–whether erotica or vanilla. Sure I wish I were a size 12 (and what is it that makes fashion people call a size 12 PLUS sized? Like…wtf…? Sorry. separate rant there… πŸ˜€ )

    I’m round. Fat. Whatevah. I lost 40 pounds a bunch of years ago for another dom, done very poorly, I will add, and it all came back. So yeah. Try to be body accepting AND still need to lose a few pounds for health reasons and it all turns into a Gordian knot kind of issue.

    The important part is to realize that we are important. We matter. Our size does not reflect our abilities, our wants and needs and desires. Getting past that is hard. I’m so glad that you post pix of us big girls…including your beautiful self.

    I read a thing on fb a month or so ago about a woman who wouldn’t take pix of herself, and her kids caught her napping on the beach. She felt that she looked like a whale in the pic, but her kids, seeing the picture years later, recalled only the happy memories of that time. “Oh mommy, look how beautiful you are, so relaxed. Remember we played in the waves for so long and built a castle and then you fell asleep so beautiful?” It was then that she realized, no matter what SHE thought of her pix, her kids saw her as that person all the time and loved her unfailingly.

    That made me reassess taking pix with MY kids. My mom never let us take pix of her. I have but two of her. Two, of a woman I love and miss daily. I don’t want to do that to my kids…so we take silly pix and look and remember and laugh…and who cares if I’m the fat woman in the pix? They don’t.

    nilla

    • That’s the thing, nilla. We see the people we love as beautiful. It would piss us off if one of our children told us they were ugly because we, as loving parents, see the beauty within and on the outside. We know that people are beautiful not because of their physical appearance but for who they are as a person. So WHY can’t we see it for ourselves? Why do we hold ourselves to a completely different standard than we do anyone else? Well, because we’ve been brainwashed in a million different ways to believe that way. And now that I’m (almost) out from under that way of thinking, I’m maddened by it.

      My mother is just now starting to take pictures, and she thinks I’m crazy when I tell people she’s an attractive woman. Silly lady. I hope that many, many, MANY years from now (I’ve informed her that she has to live to be at least 100), I actually have more than a handful of pictures of her.

  • First, you’re gorgeous, lady!

    I’ve worked so hard to achieve a positive body image and I have my good days and my bad days. It’s taken me a good 30 years to get here. When I met Coach I weighed 100 lbs and when I looked in the mirror I thought I needed to lose weight! I could only see a warped image of myself. My mother was tall, thin, and had done runway for a bit. I was short, athletic, but with tits and ass. She always told me I needed to lose weight, even at 115 lbs while running track. When I showed up at her door, after my ex walked, underweight and pale, she told me I never looked better. Thanks, mom! Fast forward, I’ve lost 50 lbs over the last 2 years and I really like what I see. I lost the weight slowly. Coach had me say mantras as well, and yep, I mumbled at first, too. Why is it so hard to say something good to yourself? I still want to lose more weight, but I’m doing it just as only as I did before and I’m lifting weights hard because curves love weights and I love my curves. I want a good muscle/fat ratio and screw the scale. I want to keep my curves, just make them tighter and have them sit little higher πŸ™‚

    • Wow, you’ve definitely come full circle. I’ve been large my whole life and can’t imagine being “thin” but at this point, I don’t want to be. Thankfully, neither does SSir. πŸ™‚

      It’s amazing what we can accomplish when we have someone in our corner fighting with us. πŸ™‚

  • Kayla, this really spoke to me and it is something I have been thinking about for a very long time. I even mentioned to another blogger recently that I needed to write about it, maybe put up some pictures that show off the imperfections. Accept them as beautiful because they are a part of me. I mean really why is it when I look at all other women, no matter their size all I see is strength and beauty but I don’t see that for myself? Time to let that negative thinking go, embrace all of me, and believe what my husband says not just on random days when I’m feeling good about myself but all days always.

    BTW, I follow some of the “real” woman Tumblr sites too and love them and you girl are Zaftig! πŸ™‚

    • Let go of the negative thinking and embrace all of you – that is EXACTLY it. πŸ™‚

      And yes, if we can see it in everyone else, we have to find a way to see it in ourselves, too.

      By the way, you’re makin’ me blush over here. /giggles

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