I have felt stupid and crappy all day. I cried on the way to work this morning, tearfully emailing Daddy that I thought someone was ignoring me. I know they weren’t, but I felt left out and unwanted. Ugh.
I lurk online in the evenings, watching the world interact, wondering what’s wrong with me that I only feel comfortable in this space, hiding behind a keyboard and my website.
By the way, it’s my blog, and I’ll emote if I want to. If you’re here for the sexiness, here you go.
The best way I know to work through feelings, especially the negative ones, is to write. But I’ve turned my blog into something where I write about very specific things. It almost feels wrong to clog up my own airways with this, especially when I know in the morning, I’ll feel better. But the truth is, I feel like crap right now. Ugh.
I’m so excited that June is approaching slightly faster than at a snail’s pace. We may have locked down a place to live – waiting for confirmation before getting too excited, though. A new life is starting, and it’s exciting and thrilling and sometimes, my face hurts from smiling so much.
But then I remember what I’m leaving. Not a lot, but one bestie is already 3 hours away and another is about to be 7 hours away. And those besties know nothing about this space, this life, none of it. But they’re mine, and they’re people I’m comfortable enough with that I can talk to about my vanilla problems.
And I’m scared. The only close friends I’ve ever had as an adult I’ve met through work – and now I’ll be working from home. I’m watching some amazing women build relationships through the blogosphere, and I am so happy for them. But I know I’m not able to do that. Not because I don’t want to. I just don’t know how.
Daddy says I need a sissy (sissie? Hell, I don’t know the right spelling). He says I need a submissive friend who I can talk to about my own life and experiences. He’s probably right – he usually is. But I do talk about it with a lot of you – through comments, your own blogs, even email and text messages. That’s the easy part. Looking someone in the eyes and confiding deep, dark secrets? Scary as fuck.
But I’ve never thought you can just make that kind of thing happen. It’s got to be organic, and there’s some amount of chemistry involved. Plus, I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know how to make small talk. Ask Daddy – that poor man spent 6 months pulling information out of me. If not for my blog, he wouldn’t have known much for a long damn time.
I like to listen and observe. My introverted nature, combined with my massive Scorpio ways make it hard for me. I’m constantly reading people – even those that I really like. It’s hard to talk when you’re observing, watching, wary, hoping that you can trust a person.
I don’t know how to open up to people – unless they’re (mostly) strangers reading my blog. Hell, just knowing that people I know (and love dearly) are reading this makes me uncomfortable. Apparently, I feel safer in anonymity.
Well, fuck. That’s dumb as hell, right?
Basically, I’m emotional for no damn reason. I’m already worried about being lonely – when it hasn’t happened yet. And I’m too fucking introverted to do anything about it.
But it’s my blog, and I’ll emote if I want to. No worries, friends, the sexy stuff will be back tomorrow. I promise.
P.S. To those I call friend, I feel like I’m doing you a disservice, like I don’t appear to value the friendship we have. It isn’t true, I promise. I do love you. I guess I just want what other people have. (Further proof that there is a negative side to being a little, I guess.)
Kayla do Mynxie and I need to club you over the head and drag you along on some of our adventures? We aren’t littles but we’d love to pal around!!!
I’m sure I could use a swift kick in the ass or something. When Daddy wakes up from his NyQuil induced coma, I’m pretty sure I’ll get a “Babygirl” in that tone of his.
And it’s not about being little. I adore watching what you and Mynx have unfold and blossom. I can’t imagine some of your adventures for myself – I don’t even know if I’m that brave. I guess I just want something that makes me feel as good as your relationship makes you both feel (silly as I feel admitting that).
And damn it, I’ve already said I’m NOT crying before I go to bed. So I’m not! So there! (No, I’m not stamping my foot, but I might be crossing my arms and flipping my hair.)
Don’t feel silly ( well unless you want to.. Then stomp about all you want). Kayla you have a TON of things going on right now. Get moved in and settled.. Get comfy with 24/7, you’ll find your sister sub. Until then lean on us! If we can help we WANT TO. 🙂
I do have a ton of things going on, but the slide down the crazy loop into my own mind doesn’t care. 🙂 Oh well, I’m better today – thanks to everyone hear, even the ones threatening to hit me over the head. LOL
((HUGS))
I’m gonna throw a little glitter here to calm everyone down.
Oooooh….glitter….Giggling
Aw hell, of course there’s gonna be glitter. YOU’RE cleaning that up, by the way!
Is now the appropriate time to admit that I don’t know how to operate a vacuum cleaner?
Damn it! /giggles
“I want what other people have” – Most of us do, in some way. It is the way our brains work, to be perpetually measuring our internal experience and comparing it to what we see outside ourselves.
I’m am sorry and completely empathetic that you feel so down. While I know that you’ll feel sunnier in the morning, I offer (((HUGS)))
((HUGS)) Thank you, friend. Your hugs are always amazing. 🙂
I had this SAME meltdown this weekend. Sigh. Is it in the airstream? Wishing soooooooo much we could visit!!!! I adore you and SSir. So, here it is: Through you and Cinnamon/Phoenix, I have learned that Littles hold hands. So I’m extending my little hand out and hoping you can feel it squeeze yours. If you think like me, tomorrow this post will feel stupid and idiotic. Just know it isn’t, you aren’t, and not having friends who know all parts of you is lonely. Reach out to some of us. We’re just waiting for a wonderful woman and submissive like you to tell us that you need us too. You have my email, girl. Use it and give me advice. Xoxoxoxo Angel
AND!!!! I love the idea of a sissy sub. Tell SSir that is exactly what it is. Xo
Damn it, Angel, don’t you make me cry right before I go to bed. ((HUGS)) Thank you.
Sent you an email. It will probably make you cry too, fair warning. Xoxoxo
You did, damn it. But I adore you for it, too.
(Shrugging) It’s how I roll.
Kayla, I totally get what you’re saying. At one point I thought I had a close sub friend, but it wasn’t real and it crashed and burned. I see these incredible friendships forming and I understand how you feel there too. I agree, it needs to happen organically, but opening yourself to the possibility is the first step. I’ve reconnected and made new connections and I know one day I’ll meet that special friend. I hope you do too.
((HUGS)) I hope we all do.
Feelings are never stupid. They are real and important. And tomorrow you may have new feelings…also okay. I don’t have many close friends url. I have several in the blogosphere that I am very close with. Making friends when you are home all day IS hard. But you’ll get there when it’s time. Glad you are blog-venting….it helps. Hug…big changes are happy…And scary. I get that. 🙂 I am a good listener…vent away!
Blog-venting does help, and yes, I woke up with slightly different feelings. I felt silly and dumb for emoting like that – especially seeing how everyone came out to support me and make me feel better. God, I hate when I get in my head like that!
I thank you for the kind words and offer of an ear. That means a great deal. ((HUGS))
mood swings are pretty normal, just cry if you want to wash away all those negative feelings, you have a nice day!
🙂 Thank you.
Kayla honey…. You and I shared 2 nights as sub sisters, one with my Sir, and then one with the two of us alone. I had a grand time, and can’t wait to spend more time with you in the future! You did a great job that night opening up, and sharing your feelings, so I know you can do so!
I agree with Peep… You have a whirlwind of stuff to handle right now, and it can be so overwhelming. But always know that I and all these wonderful women on this page of comments has your back. We all love you to pieces, and will always be here for you friend! All you have to do is reach for us! Please text me next time you need a buddy, hell you have my number, call me! You are never alone! Sorry, Peep and I didn’t get a chance to FaceTime with you last week, we just ran out of time, but we thought about you a lot!
Hugs dear friend…. We love you! Mynx
((HUGS)) I love you, too, Mynx. And those two evenings are very, VERY happy memories for me. I told Daddy today that part of the problem is that not having him (knowing we need to wait until June) makes me lonelier than I can describe. And that’s the real problem, I think.
I think we are two very similar people (although I’m a Pisces) and if we weren’t a thousand miles apart with practically no chance of meeting I think we’d be fab real life friends. I think it must be the moon or something that is getting to us. I’ve cried every day since Thursday. That does have something to do with MySir and what’s going on there, but truth be told, I’d be doing it anyway and I don’t know why. Ok, so probably not helpin here, but just know you aren’t alone and I am also here should you ever want to chat or vent or get matching pedis. 😉
Stella
Knowing I’m not alone is a huge help. And next time you’re up at 1am, email me ([email protected]). I won’t get it right away but you can vent, and I’ll answer at 5:30 in the morning. See? That works both ways. 🙂
Kayla,
you may be moving further from your current vanilla besties, but you are moving closer to me. I would love to be your sissy. I too am introverted. First plan could be a quiet day on the beach. We can observe each other and just grow comfortable – at least, that’s what i’d like to have happen.
When you need to laugh – laugh. When you need to cry – cry. And when it is all jumbled up – emote! We’re all here to laugh with you, cry with you, celebrate with you, and catch you when you can’t move another step.
I love you!
Hugs
-pp
PS – i found an elephant to eat: http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.therisinghollywood.com%2F2012%2F04%2F14%2Fthe-happy-face-pancake-taken-to-the-next-level-elephant-shaped-pancakes%2F&h=0&w=0&tbnid=ZzsdyG8GTCFY1M&zoom=1&tbnh=263&tbnw=192&docid=l7j4RU-Psf-QjM&tbm=isch&client=firefox-a&ei=9yVWU6eBGJPTsASm-YGoDA&ved=0CAgQsCUoAg
I love you, too, PP. ((HUGS))
And while I’d love to eat that particular elephant, if I tried to make it, it would look more like an amoeba. /giggles
Dear Kayla,
Those doubts you have about yourself and your own value are a proof you are a sensible and intelligent person. How not to appreciate you, then ?
Concerning friends, I’ve heard about a study saying that friendship is essential to the health and mental balance of women : we are in better health when we have women to listen and support us. That’s a thing men don’t need as much as us women. So I think you are right to care for that.
You will probably find friends at your boys school, where you will meet a wide range of people. Its a great place to meet people, but it will take time to make true friends. Hsbd and I met our best friends there, and now it’s almost family, but it took time to deepen those frienships.
Do you really need your pals to know about your little girl sex life ? Does it add sthg in your relationship ? Why not having friends both inside AND outside the community ?
But don’t worry : you seem to be a lovely person, you like to listen to people (and people like to be listen to), so you’ll get a lot of great friends, outside the Net.
Hugs,
M
((HUGS)) Thank you for your sweet words. I’m an impatient babygirl which means I often want what I want when I want it, and I detest waiting. LOL
Which also means I’m destined to be disappointed because everything requires a wait. That being said, you’re right, and I’m sure I will meet people when we get settled.
Hellllloooooo miss Kayla- so the good news about this post is that it’s the first time you have been caught on-blog “emoting.” Yes, there no related posts in your repertoire… And yes, as day breaks again and you realize how many people get you (and believe me, Mynx and I get you) you’ll feel amazingly better about things- but as I said to Cinnamon (Phoenix) the other day- you’re not alone here- you are completely (probably suffocatingly so) surrounded by great friends. You get that, right? Every single stinking one of us cares deeply about YOU, and only your Daddy cares even more- as you do for him, right?
The fact is, you’re not alone, but yet you’re feeling like there’s no one there- but reality is you just haven’t met them yet (or maybe you have?) and made that connection. But to your Daddy’s arms with you now Little Flower… You, my dear, are an amazingly beautiful person, inside and out, with a heart of gold. Your boys are so lucky (even during masturbatus interruptus) to have a Mom like you. And so too are things with you and your Daddy- cherish these things and the rest will fall into place, seriously, stop emoting and beating yourself up over uncontrollable and trivial details. These trivial things too shall pass like shit through a duck… Okay, bad analogy but I’ll bet you smiled?!
We’re here for you miss Kayla… 😉
-Mynx’s Sir (Tom Wolf)
Thank you, Sir, I appreciate your friendship more than I can express. I feel like you stepped in with the sensible talk while Daddy was, ahem, in that Nyquil-induced coma. I have no doubt that he appreciates that, too.
I am feeling better today. Now that the most stressful part is behind us (yay for having an address!), maybe I’ll be less in my head and more able to appreciate what I do have. Because you’re right, it is clear that I am surrounded by caring friends. Thank you (all) for helping me see that. 🙂
Good evening, miss Awesome… 🙂
Time to get out of your own head and open up your introverted self and smell the coff-rose-daisy (yes, it’s a new plant which includes coffee, rosé, and daisies) quite deliciouso and a very good source of food for your brain, LOL!!!
-Mynx’s Sir (Tom Wolf)
/giggles. Can it be tea instead of coffee? 🙂
I’m working on it, I promise!
Oh, alright, tea it is, LOL! 🙂
Tea is medicinal, you know.
You can find friendship in every corner of the world – just shout and you will be heard 😉 Moving house is a great excuse to meet new people and have new adventures. Scary at first, but like everything, it gets easier the more you do it. Get yourself out there or have Sir drag you along to places ~grin~ But I do respect your fear, I think we all have it deep inside 🙂
He has PLENTY of plans to drag me all over the place…and like you said, I’m scared about it, but quite excited. I’m so freaking ready for June!!! 🙂
I have told you a lot about my fears and not trusting people. I get scared when someone is truly trying to offer advice and I know they are correct and most likely have been through the same thing before. I would give anything to be able to truly trust people that have been in my life for twenty years, but if they came from the relationship from the ex I feel they are still gathering information to share back with him. People before him only a selected few I still have faith in. My family I love them but sometimes they try to run my life as if I was still a teenager. I have only 2 female friends I truly trust beside I was never good being around females anyways. I felt better with my guy friends. They never judged me against other females they seen. This is why I don’t trust females at all.
I understand completely. I have major trust issues, as every friend (before my 2 current vanilla besties) used me for all I was worth and were never there for me.
I enjoy our Twitter conversations, and I am truly looking forward to what your current plans bring about in your life – as I think your “Him” is a good influence on you and that he has the potential to help you a great deal – as long as you let him. 🙂
And, I can’t wait to read some of your writing when you’re ready to share, of course.
Handing LBP and Minx a club….we’ve both been under a great deal of stress of late, SO much has been going on some of it moving at a like molasses going up hill in the middle of winter, others at lightening speed.
It has been a while since we have been together I know, BUT look how far behind Feb. is now and how close June has come.
Now as of today we have a place to call home, O/our place so that is now gone and past.
As for the rest, well you’ve been pulling into your head a bit of late, but you now have some things laid out for you and that will stop.
Yikes, Kayla! I’ve heard similar words such as these at my house. “You’ve been pulling into your head….that will stop.” Better pull out your teddy and plead stress. I put my best pouty face on too. Sounds like you are going to be better by tomorrow if your Daddy has anything to say. Xo
/sigh. Pouty faces don’t work…they only make him more determined. But there was definitely some teddy clutching last night.
Oh, and YAY FOR HOUSING!!!!
/giggles. I know, right?
Yes, Daddy. You are right about all of it…well, except the need to hand over the club. /giggles
I love you so much, and I can’t wait for our life together to begin. But yes, I am quite buried in my own head. Wasn’t it you who said what I REALLY need is a good spanking?
Wiggle-wiggle. 😉
So I’m a new follower. And I just want to say-I empathize so much. While I’m not as “advanced” as all of the commenters, I’m a Scorpio introvert too. I hate putting myself out there to be rejected. I feel like I’ve found an older version of myself (I can only HOPE to be as successful as you, my lady). But all the stress of life? I know that feel and it does go away. I’m glad its gone away.
Here’s to hoping life got better
Sabey
Life definitely got better. Life is amazing right now. Sure, bad days happen, but I’m in an excellent place. Glad to meet another Scorpio introvert!
Good! I’m glad things got better. You are an incredible writer, btdubs. XD