Every strong relationship I’ve seen in the Dominance and submission (D/s) lifestyle has one thing in common – strong, clear communication. Every single one of them.
Sure, early in the relationship, there are fears about hurt feelings or anger. Most of those concerns are left over from a vanilla lifestyle that didn’t require (although it should have) the same amount of communication. Over time, though, successful relationships found ways to overcome those fears.
Here I am, less than a full year in a relationship, and I can feel a lot of the old “vanilla” ways of communicating slipping away. What’s left behind is a sense of being completely in tune with Daddy. I can sense his moods. I can read his body language. Even when he’s not speaking to me, he’s communicating with me. I have no doubt that the reverse is true for him, as well.
The other side of the coin is that, while the dynamics of our relationship require a certain protocol and respect, I can say whatever I need to say to him. Sometimes, what I have to say isn’t necessarily what he wants to hear.
“You’re holding back, you know. I can tell.” He gave me a confused look. “You don’t have to be afraid of your sadistic side.”
That’s when his eyebrows shot up in his forehead.
We’d been in a scene, and things had felt…off. His hands on my body felt as good as always. His teeth were as sharp as always. His cock hit all the right spots – as always. But something wasn’t right.
I wanted more, much more. The past few days had been too vanilla. We’d had no time for each other in between errands, children, and chores. I’d felt selfish for wanting more of The Beast (Daddy’s sadistic side). I kept telling myself that he’s in charge, and when he wanted The Beast to emerge, he would allow him out to play. The set of his shoulders was off, though. The force behind his hand was’t weaker, but not as stern. When we were done, and I knew the scene was over, I called him out on it.
“You know I have a safeword. If you go too far, I’ll use it.” He nodded his understanding, but he was quieter than normal. I didn’t let his silence stop me. “Daddy, I’m a masochist. I adore your sadistic side. Please stop holding back!” We spoke a few minutes more, and he promised he wouldn’t hold back in the future. He kept his word and gave me a brutal spanking the next day. It was delicious!
My point is simple. I may be the submissive in the relationship, but I have opinions, and I have a right to share them. Sometimes, what I need to say is for his own good. Even Dominants need reminders and reassurances.
Anyone in a relationship, especially a D/s relationship, should feel they can say what they need to say. As with anything, there is a proper time and place, but the last thing a submissive should fear is telling their Dominant the truth – about anything.
Even I find it hard sometimes to tell my Sir what’s on my mind, especially if I feel that I’m being too needy. My Sir takes very good care of me, but we have errands, children, homework, etc as well, so I know exactly what you are talking about. We don’t have a name for my Sir’s side that I too crave….but I think we should, so that we both know what I mean when I ask for more. Great post 🙂
Names are important and have meaning, so I think you should, too!
I don’t know if it will become easier or harder once we’re together all the time, but right now, it just feels natural to tell him what I’m thinking. Of course, in the vanilla world, I don’t have too many problems speaking my mind, so that has something to do with it, too. 🙂
This is so very true! Sometimes the dominant part in a relationship is unsure of the things he does to his submissive partner. Whether you call it the remainings of vanilla lifestyle or not doesn’t matter in the end. It’s the best to talk things out and reassure both of the partners.
I like the way you talked to your Daddy to achieve this goal. And I’m taking this as an example for working with my partner to give her the reassurance that she sometimes needs because we’re both new to this special lifestyle.
Thank you for this post!
It’s too bad that we think of communication like this as simply a D/s thing. The less kinky among us could use this level of communication, too.
I’m glad that I can help as an example. It’s not always easy, but it is necessary. 🙂
Welcome to the lifestyle! It’s fun and sexy and, as all good things are, requires effort from all sides.
I totally agree with you that this level of communication is usefull in every relationship of any kind. Sorry if it seemed different – maybe it’s a cause of my somehow rusty english ;-).
Oh no, your English is fine. Your comment triggered a thought and I simply shared it. You’re fine. I think most of us think the level of communication in D/s should be the same for every kind of relationship. 🙂
You are correct, great subject post miss Kayla,
I have complete respect for you and for your Daddy Dom, JB. I believe you’re right on the point that you should be able to speak your heart about anything, respectfully, in the right time and place- excellent point, well said! I would like to also emphasize your other point, for those emerging D/s relationships, that the Power Exchange (PE) needs respected to ensure that it does not become taken advantage of or ignored. One soul is in charge, one is not. This is what makes the D/s PE so powerful and why it (in and of itself) deserves so much respect.
I admire the approach you took, especially that you were supportive of your Dom, you encouraged him, you *asked* him for more. He embraced your request and brought out what asked of him. I also think that it’s equally important to make sure that, from a submissive perspective, while your thoughts are very cherished, that particular attention be paid to ensuring you don’t emasculate your Dom’s portion of the PE. Your approach was on target miss Kayla, and I believe from your Daddy Dom’s post earlier this week that he felt good about your approach too.
When I consider the couples’ blogs that I have come across, I always hold the dialogue and relationship you two have in the highest regard. Anyone reading this or Southern Sir’s posts can easily watch the evolution of a very well functioning D/s relationship with the added benefit of DD/lg as the frosting on a delicious cake.
D/s is not perfect nor is any relationship, they all take nurturing and care if they are to grow. Mynx and I had a discussion just this morning where we called time out to freely talk about the dynamic of our PE and how it functioned with regard to a recent personal scenario. We have more details to work through, but this mutual safe word for our daily lives allowed each of us to be unchallenged about our D/s roles as we worked through our daily life challenge. This challenge didn’t require D/s protocol from either of us. We quickly resumed 24/7 without hesitation after we resolved the challenge.
What you and your Daddy did was establish the proper tone for your conversation based upon exercising your mind at the correct time and place. For Mynx and I this morning, there was no correct time or place, life happened. We paused, as did you, to take value of the other’s opinion and thoughts, giving way to an understanding which allowed your relationship to flourish. Everyone has their own relationship and their own values and roles in it; appreciating the personal values is important. In mine, my submissive is my wife first and I love her for that first. D/s is the ‘value add’ to our 22 year relationship.
I say, well done you two, well done!
-Tom & Mynx
You make me blush. I consider you and Mynx to be such an amazing example of D/s that for you to think Daddy and I are on a similar vein means a lot to me. 🙂
I don’t know if it’s because of how our relationship evolved or how our personalities mesh or both, but talking to Daddy has become simple and easy as time as passed. Sure, in the beginning, I worried all the time and would keep things to myself, but in the past several months, I can feel that I’ve opened up a lot.
I am purposeful when I speak to him about important topics. I’ve learned over the past year that there’s no need to speak what’s on my mind the moment I think it – in situations like the one I wrote about. That’s a major area of growth for me. Before, if I thought it, I said it – and a lot of times, that’s where the problem starts. There’s a time and place for everything.
Love and trust make a big difference in any relationship, but it’s the letting go of fear (fear of anger, fear of abandonment, fear of whatever) that makes everything more meaningful, and ultimately, easier.
Love the last paragraph… Letting go…perfect.
Communication is essential in any relationship for it to work but in a D/s relationship it is crucial to its success… even more than that, perhaps, because the relationship would never have got off the ground in the first place without that and the other little word ‘trust.’
Great post 😉
Yeah, just a little word – “trust” 🙂
Wise words Kayla, thanks. You’re awesome miss!
Great post. Insightful. I don’t know much about the subject and don’t have any experience with it. I could definitely see how that trust would find its way out very quickly in a d/s relationship.
🙂 Thanks for stopping by, reading, AND commenting.
Trust is huge in D/s, as is communications. I wish vanilla relationships were based on as much trust and communications as D/s needs. More of them would last longer.
Communication is always important, but never more so than in a D/s relationship. Mistress and I have been talking a lot the past few days and I seem to be feeling more submissive than ever. I’ve asked Her to be more dominant with me, to take whatever She wants from me.
When Daddy is with me for any length of time, I feel that way. I want him to be more Dominant. I want to give him everything he wants.
I know you don’t have too many ‘vanilla’ followers, but anyone in a relationship, vanilla, neapolitan or tutti frutti, could learn from your words. That includes friendships, family relationships, the whole gamut of ‘-ships’. Good words to live by. You are both very lucky to have each other.
Thank you, and I agree completely. This isn’t a kink thing…it’s a people thing.
Yes we are…thanks to you. ((HUGS))
Love this, absolutely spot on.
Thank you! 🙂