Bleeding On the Inside

No Boobday post for me this week. Awwwwww, I know. You’re sad that you can’t see my boobs.

Normally that makes me sad, too. But as I’m writing this, boob shots don’t seem that important to me. Not today at least. If you came for boobs, here, click here, and go look at some. You’re welcome.

I’ve been emotionally bleeding this week. All internally – well, unless you work with me. They’ve seen my misery. My officemate doesn’t know better. She should have left me alone. Instead, I bit her head off over stupid stuff. I felt horrible, and I apologized. But it still happened.

I’ve emotionally eaten my way through the week. My dinner last night was toast with butter and jam. And a bottle of water. That doesn’t sound bad unless you consider that I’ve also eaten sandwiches that no 34 year old woman should eat unless she wants heart disease. I’ve eaten too much chocolate. I’ve eaten when I wasn’t hungry. I’ve just been eating.

Trying to fill a hole, a void.

I’ve barely slept. I’m tired all the time, but I can’t make myself lay down in bed. When I do, I can’t fall asleep.

I think I made myself sick.

I can’t blame all of that on missing him. I’m working on my writing, and I’m building a business, from the ground up. I do it all after work, after dinner, after the boys are in bed. And I’m energized while I work on those projects. I don’t feel the exhaustion. I can feel myself moving forward on my goals and dreams, so sleep seems unnecessary. When I do finally go to bed, my mind won’t shut off. It may be a coping mechanism.

But then there are moments like last night. He fell asleep early and we couldn’t talk. He needed the sleep. I’m not upset with him. He’s just as exhausted as I am, for the same reason – no sleep. But I missed him terribly. I felt like my insides were coming apart at the seams.

Every sweet little saying on Tumblr. Every erotic picture. Every erotic word. They make my heart hurt right now. Every one of them. Silly, huh?

All is not lost. I know that. We have plans. A possible Valentine’s visit. The ultimate goal is to be together by June. Six months away. In the grand scheme of things, it’s the blink of an eye. But right now, when I’m bleeding on the inside, it feels like forever.

I hate that I’m bleeding all over the place. I wish I could give you something sassy, sexy, and erotic. Maybe tomorrow. And if you’re new here, it’s not normally like this. Just ask them. I’m a kinky girl who can describe masturbation in a hundred ways. Right y’all? Maybe tomorrow.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I understand your feelings, Kayla, missing him as much as you do and it is, in a way, a form of mourning. I wish I could write something meaningful. We are however all different in how we handle things.
    Look at it this way. There is Sir who loves you so much and respects you deeply. You have plans for a future together. It is like you wrote, what are 6 months but a blink of an eye. At least you have something tangible to look out for. You are living what so many don’t have. So, what are a mere 6 months?
    Take care.

  • Oh, Kayla, I know that void, my heart goes out to you sweetie. You are doing some hard work now. I know 6 months looks like it is a long way away. I hope you can celebrate little goals along the way. Your Daddy is going to be so proud of you (as will the rest of your family). I applaud you for building the life that you BOTH want and for sharing that process with the rest of us. Somewhere out here, there is a new sub or lg reading this and taking inspiration from it 🙂 Hugs!

    • Thanks for helping me keep it in perspective. You’re right. It will look so much better from the other side…and yes, if someone comes across my post, I’d rather be an inspiration than an aggravation. ((HUGS))

  • Kayla….where is that darn dislike button…..! I’m not going to give you the flowers and sunshine statements that it will get better! Cause we both know, In your mind it really won’t…. Not until your back in his arms. But the good news is it will get shorter in duration, which is good!
    But my motherly instincts are in high gear, and saying take care of yourself better, because your a vital part of a future that can’t happen if your sick. Remember that is HIS body, and you need to take good care of it! Nourish it, pamper it, exercise it, and give it plenty of rest! You will find if you do these things for yourself and him, that you will be better at all the tasks that need your attention! And I’m sure SS left you with plenty of tasks!

    You can do this Kayla, find ways within each daunting part of your day to turn it around. Like thinking what could I do different right now that would make Daddy proud of me. Then maybe the bad choices would be replaced with good choices! Ok, mom climbing down from her soapbox now!

    Love and bigs hugs to you friend…. It’s not easy, but your a tough lady, you got this!!!!


    • Yes, ma’am, I mean yes, Mom. I mean, yes, Mynx. 🙂 ((HUGS))

      You’re right. And I should remember my own submission. It certainly can keep things in perspective.

  • I’m very familiar with bleeding on the inside. I hope that feeling goes away soon. BIG HUG… and a little spank as I think you may need that more than the hug. Maybe some pegs would help? 😉

  • It is hard I don’t deny that but you have to keep your eyes on the prize.

    As for you having trouble sleeping, I’ve been thinking about that. I am going to “strongly” suggest you start doing the short meditation I sent you before bed time.

    I love you babygirl!

  • I only liked this because i commend your courage. You are working towards your dreams,and accepting the pain that comes with sweet success. You will make it..~~hugs~~

  • One of the things that is stressed almost daily in my grad school program is self-care. No matter what, no matter when, you MUST take care of yourself! What good is the prize if your too exhausted and ill to appreciate it?

    Enough lecture. ((((HUGS)))). I am so sorry your heart hurts. I am so glad you are having so much excitement and anticipation in your life. Joy and sorry so often walk hand in hand.

  • Aw, Kayla, that sucks. I second most of what everyone else has said. Hang in there! And like what Night Owl said, self care is integral! Especially when you’re hurting. Do what you can that won’t make you feel worse later. ((Hugs)) xx Hy

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