Submissive

Terrified

I’m terrified.  Scared beyond measure.  Fight or flight wars within me, and flight wants to win.

I love Him, and I love the man.  I have thought it over and over again in the past days.  I could not voice it; I dared not.  Voicing it made it real, and the moment it became real, it could end.

We danced around it.  We used euphemisms.  I was ok with that, but I still thought it in my head each time I used some other word.

Then it was said out loud.  It took my breath away to hear it.  It scared me; pure terror coursed through my body.  I have been wrong so many times.  For the first time, I have found something that feels as natural as breathing, that doesn’t feel like hard work.

What if I’m wrong?  What if I’m being stupid – again?  What if I hurt him?  What if I flake out and think I’ve been wrong about my feelings? What if we’re perfect apart and horrible together?  What if I come to rely on him too much – and he doesn’t want that?  What if I lose myself for all the wrong reasons and in all the wrong ways? What if?

“I love you.”

I thought the words in my head and kept them to myself.  Thirty seconds later, I said it.  Our relationship cannot survive without communication – our D/s relationship, our friendship, our love affair.  If I thought it to myself instinctively, I needed to say it – no matter how frightening, no matter how difficult.

Those three little words make this real.

I have tried to find the words to describe how I feel as a submissive woman, and I have fallen short each time.  It’s as if I’ve woken up from some deep sleep all these years.  I do not question my actions or my reactions.  It’s natural; it’s comfortable; it’s comforting; it’s real.  And while I recognize that this part of myself has been hibernating within me for years, it took Him to bring it out in me.  I have read the writings of other Sirs, other Doms.  Almost none of them held any appeal for me – their style too abrasive, too demanding, too strict, not strict enough, whatever.

He came into my life out of nowhere, and His style of D fits my natural sub-self.  Too good to be true makes me nervous – is this too good to be true?  I’ve never had a single easy thing in my life, not one…how can I trust this?  How do I know this is real?

In the ways that matter, we’re alike – we crave communication, we laugh at the same things, we have similar personality traits, and, and, and… In other ways that matter, we’re polar opposites – He’s Sir, and I’m pet; He’s a sadist, and I’m a masochist; He’s a voyeur, and I am a budding exhibitionist (but only for Him).  Why does it feel perfect?  There’s no such thing as perfect.  Perfection is a fucking myth.  I’m so scared.

I want to analyze this to death, so that I can understand.  I need an explanation.  That way, when it ends, I can point back to my explanation and realize what I missed – so I don’t miss it the next time, so that I see the signs sooner, so that I’ll know it’s not real and that I’m setting myself up for heartbreak.  But there is no explanation – this defies logic.  It works; we fit.

I want it to work.  I want it to be real.  I want the dream, the fairy tale (albeit a little dark and twisted).  I want every word He’s said to me to be true.  I need it.  He gives me everything I ever wanted or needed – even the things I didn’t know I needed.  How could I live without that now that I know what’s it like?  How could I ever let Him go if He decided one day that’s what He wanted?

I’ve been so wrong before.

I love him.  And I’m terrified.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, an opinionated marketer, and speaker. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

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