I made the decision, as I tried to heal myself, to seek like-minded people out – to connect. In my deep, dark loneliness, I wanted to be understood and to be heard. I got lucky with a few fortunate souls. As a result, I get into very interesting conversations. I was asked today what it means (to me) to serve, why I think guidelines are necessary, and how and why I wish to serve. Here goes…
To serve is so simple for me – to make the other happy. It’s why I can’t completely submit without love. When I love, and am in love, I would do anything on this planet to make the D happy (even when it breaks my heart and shatters me into a million tiny pieces). From something as small as remembering a favorite flavor ice cream or sports team to something as big as standing naked in front of a group of people because it pleases the D to push my boundaries. If it makes the D happy for me to wear a certain thing, go to a specific place, do a task, follow a rule, I am blissfully happy knowing I’m making the D happy. I feel complete when I serve and submit. I feel whole, as if a puzzle piece that’s been missing has finally been found.
I have always been the person who binds myself to the people I love. I am loyal and fierce in my love. I am driven and determined in my love. I am giving, so giving, in my love, and until I found D/s, it was often one-sided. I gave and gave until I was used up, and I never received anything in return. When I say I gave, I mean that I gave up dreams and goals. I gave up money. I gave up time. I gave up self-respect. Because to me that’s what you do when you love someone, you give, right?
To serve as a submissive allows me to do what is the most natural thing of all – give. Give of myself, my body, my control – to someone who will love me equally. While the D will take what He wants, it’s not really taking when it’s being handed over willingly. I bow down before the one I love because I know I receive so much in return. I am cherished, protected, cared for by someone who understands exactly what I’m doing when I submit and respects me for it, instead of using me and taking my love for granted. In my submission, the D will know exactly what He is receiving.
With respect to guidelines, I know that guidelines are put in place because they are in my best interests. Guidelines are there to keep me healthy and safe, to help me reach my goals, to help me be the best I can be. In my submission, I put my total trust in the D to know what’s best for me. When I follow the guidelines set in place for me, I am always better off for it – always. The D will see what I don’t see about myself – what I need, while I only see what I want.
I feel safer with guidelines to follow. I know who and what I am. I am a greedy little girl, slightly impetuous when it comes to emotions and the things that are bad for me. I am impatient. I am childish with my hurt feelings. I know I need a firm, loving hand to guide me. Not because I don’t know what I need to do in life – I am very aware. But because I will often choose what feels good over what I really need. I will let my little side decide instead of the grown woman who has a level head. Or worse, I won’t decide anything out of fear of being wrong or making a bad decision.
How can I best serve? How do I wish to serve? It depends on what I sense is needed, I think. So many talk about how the D has to learn what His submissive needs, but the D has needs too. He needs to be obeyed, of course, that’s what most of it is about. But the D needs to be loved and cherished, too. He needs a soft place to land when the world goes crazy. They don’t like to admit it, but they all need it.
I wish to serve by ceding control when it makes sense for the relationship. I wish to serve by doing what I’m told, without question – or if there is a question, asking in the proper way at the proper time. I wish to serve by learning everything I can about the D, so that I can serve more effortlessly.
In true submission, in a loving relationship, I have never felt more secure about the world. In submission, I know that I have someone who will stand with me against the storms when they come. Someone who will require that I lean when I don’t feel strong. Someone who will not let me do things that will hurt me (my body, my goals, my life, my future). In serving, I will stand with the D against the storms of life. I will be a pillar of quiet strength when that’s what is needed. I will be the cheerleader when life is good, the shoulder when life is bad, the vessel when what is needed is release.
I know not everyone sees it the way I do. Some want to be pushed into submission. Some want to walk in and out of submission as it suits them. And that’s fine. For me, submission is as natural as breathing. When allowed to fully submit, to love with all of my being the one I submit to, then I am whole and complete.
That’s what it means to me to serve.