I made the decision, as I tried to heal myself, to seek like-minded people out – to connect. In my deep, dark loneliness, I wanted to be understood and to be heard. I got lucky with a few fortunate souls. As a result, I get into very interesting conversations. I was asked today what it means (to me) to serve, why I think guidelines are necessary, and how and why I wish to serve. Here goes…
To serve is so simple for me – to make the other happy. It’s why I can’t completely submit without love. When I love, and am in love, I would do anything on this planet to make the D happy (even when it breaks my heart and shatters me into a million tiny pieces). From something as small as remembering a favorite flavor ice cream or sports team to something as big as standing naked in front of a group of people because it pleases the D to push my boundaries. If it makes the D happy for me to wear a certain thing, go to a specific place, do a task, follow a rule, I am blissfully happy knowing I’m making the D happy. I feel complete when I serve and submit. I feel whole, as if a puzzle piece that’s been missing has finally been found.
I have always been the person who binds myself to the people I love. I am loyal and fierce in my love. I am driven and determined in my love. I am giving, so giving, in my love, and until I found D/s, it was often one-sided. I gave and gave until I was used up, and I never received anything in return. When I say I gave, I mean that I gave up dreams and goals. I gave up money. I gave up time. I gave up self-respect. Because to me that’s what you do when you love someone, you give, right?
To serve as a submissive allows me to do what is the most natural thing of all – give. Give of myself, my body, my control – to someone who will love me equally. While the D will take what He wants, it’s not really taking when it’s being handed over willingly. I bow down before the one I love because I know I receive so much in return. I am cherished, protected, cared for by someone who understands exactly what I’m doing when I submit and respects me for it, instead of using me and taking my love for granted. In my submission, the D will know exactly what He is receiving.
With respect to guidelines, I know that guidelines are put in place because they are in my best interests. Guidelines are there to keep me healthy and safe, to help me reach my goals, to help me be the best I can be. In my submission, I put my total trust in the D to know what’s best for me. When I follow the guidelines set in place for me, I am always better off for it – always. The D will see what I don’t see about myself – what I need, while I only see what I want.
I feel safer with guidelines to follow. I know who and what I am. I am a greedy little girl, slightly impetuous when it comes to emotions and the things that are bad for me. I am impatient. I am childish with my hurt feelings. I know I need a firm, loving hand to guide me. Not because I don’t know what I need to do in life – I am very aware. But because I will often choose what feels good over what I really need. I will let my little side decide instead of the grown woman who has a level head. Or worse, I won’t decide anything out of fear of being wrong or making a bad decision.
How can I best serve? How do I wish to serve? It depends on what I sense is needed, I think. So many talk about how the D has to learn what His submissive needs, but the D has needs too. He needs to be obeyed, of course, that’s what most of it is about. But the D needs to be loved and cherished, too. He needs a soft place to land when the world goes crazy. They don’t like to admit it, but they all need it.
I wish to serve by ceding control when it makes sense for the relationship. I wish to serve by doing what I’m told, without question – or if there is a question, asking in the proper way at the proper time. I wish to serve by learning everything I can about the D, so that I can serve more effortlessly.
In true submission, in a loving relationship, I have never felt more secure about the world. In submission, I know that I have someone who will stand with me against the storms when they come. Someone who will require that I lean when I don’t feel strong. Someone who will not let me do things that will hurt me (my body, my goals, my life, my future). In serving, I will stand with the D against the storms of life. I will be a pillar of quiet strength when that’s what is needed. I will be the cheerleader when life is good, the shoulder when life is bad, the vessel when what is needed is release.
I know not everyone sees it the way I do. Some want to be pushed into submission. Some want to walk in and out of submission as it suits them. And that’s fine. For me, submission is as natural as breathing. When allowed to fully submit, to love with all of my being the one I submit to, then I am whole and complete.
That’s what it means to me to serve.
I love being first to comment! A clean slate, plus I get to see all the comments as they come in.
I swear you and I are sisters from another mother. Everything you wrote pinged with me. The hard part for me has been when my gifts are not accepted or when they’re twisted and turned back against me. I’m learning though, and becoming more resilient and taking on trying to serve my own self now and then.
Still, how very lovely to serve Him, whoever He is. To bring all that I am to bear in making His life a better place. To feel so protected and cherished that there is no sacrifice at all
in the giving.
I read and follow so many other submissives, and based on what they say, I wonder if I look at submission differently…or if it’s just that my first submission was the rarest kind of all…which makes me wonder about the future…
I can’t believe in a Universe so unkind as to give you a taste of something so exquisite, and then to never offer it again. My world is a better place than that.
IMHO, your submission, as was mine, was exactly WHAT you needed WHEN you needed. Comparing yours to anyone else’s is the way to despair.
See how I get to talk to myself this way?
I like your world better than mine…I don’t have that much faith…
I know just how fortunate I was the first time…it’s hard for me to believe that lightning will strike twice…
Truly beautiful and from the heart. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of yourself.
You’re welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
There are almost no other words needed. to serve is a choice, and for me it is one made from need and love.
Do you ever wonder though if your first Sir was truly deserving of your serving? Because in the end… He wasn’t there for you. He left you shattered and in tiny broken pieces. I know people are fallible and let us down, but I am beginning to think that kind of deep, trusting servitude belongs only between two who have made a life long commitment to each other. Just thinking. 🙂
I would counter that he released me and owed me nothing further. His reasons for releasing me were sound and right. I told him I could handle it and I was wrong.
He is human and even I can admit that maybe his complete lack of communication was a mistake, but I think he knew me better than anyone, and understood I would have continued holding on if he continued to reach out.
How do you know it’s not going to be a lifelong commitment if you don’t put yourself out there for it, though? The one thing he taught me was to wear my heart on my sleeve…yes, I got hurt in the end, but I wouldn’t have traded it for anything in the world even knowing how it would end…
Your journey has lead you to be a better submissive… What’s the saying ?? What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger?
That does seem to be the saying…I believe I can bench press Buicks now… 🙂
Reading This was wonderful and it put into words something I just felt but didn’t truly understand. I am very lucky to have such a kind and caring D.
I’m glad that I’m not the only one who understands the feelings…and I am very happy for you…:)