An argument with a friend got me thinking. I’ve been stewing and percolating on this one for a few days, actually. He views my submissive side as something unnatural. He wonders aloud what happened to me in the past or if I use it as a coping mechanism. He went a little too far and wondered if my submissiveness could be damaging my children.
After I finished being pissed off about his assumptions, it dawned on me. He probably has no idea what every day submission looks like. Think about it. Online many of us who subscribe to the lifestyle spend most of our time talking about play time and scenes. We focus on the erotic, not the day-to-day minutia.
I follow a couple of blogs who do focus on the daily routine, and I’m sure many others do, too. But what if someone found my blog because they read one of my masturbation posts and the next day, I write about getting my ass beat or something. If they don’t have any prior knowledge about BDSM, I’m their example of Dominance and submission (D/s). Ok, so that may be an extreme example of “not knowing” but it could happen to any one of the blogs out there discussing any part of BDSM.
Yes, I love spankings. Yes, I love being bitten and marked with bruises. Yes, I want to wear a collar and kneel for my Sir. Yes, yes, YES! But that’s only a small part of D/s. In the real world, unlike the pages of a blog, we have to interact with a very vanilla world. Only the bravest or dumbest among us attempt to be sexual every moment of the day. I can’t imagine anyone with children being comfortable with their kids seeing the kink side of their relationship. What most children probably see is the mutual respect a Dominant and a submissive show one another.
I am one example of a submissive. Everyone is different. You could line up 100 submissives, and while we may have some similarities, none of us will be identical to another. So I’m going to give a little peek into submissiveness that doesn’t involve kinky sex, but remember (if you’re new to this whole lifestyle thing), I’m just one of many.
My Submissive Routine
On any given weekday, my routine is fairly similar, and governed by a certain level of submission that I’m comfortable with, considering I haven’t formalized my relationship with my Dominant. I identify more and more as a “little” (that will be a post for another day for my newbie friends) and therefore call my Dominant “Daddy.” So here are the very boring details of my experience with submission outside of the kinky, hot, erotic sex everyone always reads about. And please realize, every bit of my routine and tasks was discussed and agreed upon before implementation…
I wake up at 4:15am to write, blog, and build the writing career. This used to be the time I woke up to exercise, but I made some changes and renegotiated this portion of my schedule. It’s my time to wake up, face the day, and do something I love doing first thing in the morning.
Daddy calls at 5am. We talk about the day ahead, random stuff, and sometimes play. By play, I mean he guides my masturbation and makes me beg to come. It’s delicious! I highly recommend it.
He picks out my panties for me each day, sending me a picture of which ones to wear. No picture means no panties. After I shower, I take a picture of myself in the day’s panty selection. Full frontal picture with my ugly stomach showing and all.
After my shower, I also look into the mirror and say three things to myself: “You deserve happiness; you will find happiness. You are loved; you are worthy of love. You are a beautiful, vibrant woman.” I used to cringe when I said the first two sentences. Those are easy now, because I believe them. The last sentence is new, and I still grit my teeth as I say them because I feel awkward.
Before I leave my house, I send him an email with the picture letting him know that my task for the day (the three things I tell myself) is complete.
When I arrive at work, I email him to let him know I’ve made it there safely. I also let him know if I’ll be out of touch because of work. I do that on my own as a courtesy, not because he’s requested it.
He’s helping me stay on track with diet and exercise. After every meal and snack, I log it in an app we both have that allows us to share information in to-do list format. I try to approximate calories. If I want a special treat, I have to ask first. He can, and sometimes does, say no. Yes, I pout a little.
I go to the gym at lunch now. When I get back to the office, I email him to let him know I’ve arrived.
When I leave work, I text him to let him know I’m leaving for the day. Most days, I call him as I’m leaving to chat until I get to the daycare to pick up my youngest.
At night, I call him once the boys are settled and we talk until he’s ready to go to bed. Often, he will tell me to go to bed, too because I’m usually exhausted. Sometimes, he’ll tell me I can stay up and play on Facebook or Tumblr. During the week, I have to be done with everything and in bed by 10pm at the latest.
So there it is, in a very boring nutshell. Of course, a lot of this has to do with distance. But, in the many discussions we’ve had about it, if we were a more official couple and if we were closer to one another, I would have a lot more rules.
I retain full control over parenting and work decisions. But I do ask his advice a lot – which is a trait of Dominants and submissives, I think. I never call him Daddy in front of my children or anyone else not associated with the D/s lifestyle – which is nearly everyone I know. Even when I ask permission for something when he’s visiting (especially if my children are around) I usually lean in and whisper my request.
I am deferential to him. I fill his plate, make sure he has his coffee, and do a million little things to “take care of him.” But as my aforementioned friend who pissed me off has said, that’s how all relationships should be – each taking care of the other. I am always respectful, although a bit sassy at times.
Pretty boring, right? Ask any submissive in a relationship, and I promise they have some sort of routine, even if they wouldn’t call it a routine. I like it. Routine is comforting to me. And when something doesn’t work, we discuss it and come up with a new plan.
For anyone who thought Dominance and submission was hot, kinky, crazy sex all the time – sorry to disappoint. But these little, boring details are just as satisfying as the squirting, gushing, mind-blowing orgasms my Daddy gives me every chance he gets.
Was this post meaningful and helpful? You might enjoy my website dedicated to BDSM and helping people have better D/s relationships – Loving BDSM – a blog and weekly podcast devoted to helping people find and enjoy healthier D/s relationships and kinky lives. Check it out at https://lovingbdsm.kaylalords.com.
Would you be willing to help me out when I start posting the D/s material on my blog? Your day to day view point is something that needs to be shown more often than scenes as it is a component that goes unspoken more often than not.
I would be happy to help!
Reblogged this on Southern Sirs Place and commented:
A wonderful insight to a submissive’s day.
I Would be willing to be that your stomach is not as ugly as you say and that it is as beautiful as the rest of you.
Some people have cloudy vision when it comes to things like that…
I would be willing to debate that.
I don’t doubt that at all… 😉
Your post is a very good snapshot of “routine” submission. It’s great. And now you understand too, why with my stories, I’m ‘teaching’ all the time. 🙂
As for being able to say ‘you’re beautiful’ and all the accompanying stuff. You aren’t the only one who has trouble. We all get there eventually. We ARE beautiful.
I found the greatest picture and posted in on Tumblr…it’s a quote from an overweight actress who says something along the lines of I started acting as if I was beautiful and I became beautiful…every time I start to doubt myself, I think of that…
Which is what you have to do. 🙂
Thank you for posting this. It’s very relevant and very needed. And also very lovely.
Thank you. 🙂
Thank you for ALL your AMAZING POST’S on A Sexual Being, and e[lust] :The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. How Awesome is that site to visit : ). Please Accept This Shine On Award. You’re a Shining Star. http://astraltravler.wordpress.com/2013/06/28/shine-on-award/
It’s My Pleasure. Enjoy
I started to jokingly say “TMI” until I realized how much I enjoyed reading it. It is what works for you and makes you happy and that is what matters.
I know it’s not everybody’s thing…and I’m good with that, too…just trying to show the world at large that D/s isn’t all whips and chains…to an outsider looking in, it’s actually pretty boring…lol
I don’t find it boring at all. I see how happy you are and that’s perfect.
Thank you, dear woman… ((HUGS))
I love the every boring mundane moment of life with my Master. It is the every day that makes it happy. The rest is just icing. Enjoy those moments and let anyone who does not understand bite your perfectly round ass.
I do, too…although the juicy sex is pretty damn nice… 🙂
Sometimes it’s the simple things that are the most important. I like your morning mantra. It is important to take a moment everyday and tell yourself that you matter, that you are deserving, and that you are basically good.
Mantra! That was the word I was searching for! I’ve learned that it is very important. 🙂
That is a good thing to learn. Congratulations !
Penelope, thank you for sharing, and it is not boring at all. xxx
Thank you for reading!
[…] A Submissive’s Day (kaylalords.wordpress.com) […]
Thanks for sharing this. I think many people have trouble understanding that even as a sub, we work, clean, go to the grocery store, fold laundry, etc. I live with my Sir and we live the lifestyle 24/7 which still means that much of the time we’re pretty normal people, we just relate a certain way within our relationship. I may wear a (discrete) collar, have more of a “routine” and perhaps I spend a bit more time on my knees than most folks, but I’m still just a person.
I’m still learning to navigate what it means to be a submissive in my day-to-day life…he’s with me this weekend and we’re navigating this with my kids around…I might sometimes be “in charge” because of my children, but really, I know who I answer to, ultimately…and I like that… 🙂
I love that, too. 🙂 It’s very calming…
Occasionally, Sir will visit me at work, where I have to be in charge; he enjoys just observing. He loves that I can be this strong, confident person, but at the end of the day he knows I submit to him. It’s also about balance for us, though. I’m “out” at work so the people I work with try to be understanding. For example, even though I don’t take calls from anyone else while I’m working, I always take Sir’s, etc. Everyone in our lives is aware of our D/s relationship, but I guess they’ve just grown used to it. As long as we keep things subtle in public, and don’t do anything to make anyone uncomfortable, most people seem pretty accepting. (Perhaps we’re just lucky.) 🙂
I can’t imagine being out at work…but I can imagine him watching me in my professional life…that would be kind of hot actually…:)
I think it’s definitely about balance… 🙂
Yes, of course!
[…] last week’s post detailing the routine of my day as a submissive woman, I mentioned that I identify as a “little.” That seems […]
This was a wonderful post, and such a pleasure to read. You’re right – too many of us don’t write about the day-to-day of our submission, only the ‘highs’. No wonder there’s such a skewed perception!
I’m taking baby steps…if I can give one person a bit of clarity, I feel like I’ve accomplished something. 🙂
Yep- that sounds about right to me! LOL, the kinky hot sex is GREAT, and does serve to increase the trust between Dom and sub, but you can’t be all crawling around naked 24/7. Someone has to do laundry and cook. Sir and I are married, and it just fits into our life, like say bowling does for vanilla couples, LOL
Exactly! This week with Daddy has been probably the most vanilla we’ve ever had, but we do make the kink fit where we can. 🙂
[…] to self-love (Ha! Not that kind of self-love). While we were separated by too many miles, I used daily mantras to remind myself I was beautiful and worthy of love. Once together, I would have had to be a blind […]
Where can i find my sub?
Spend time in places where kinky people hang out – Fetlife, Twitter, even Facebook. Become friends with potential submissives first. Take time to get to know each other. Earn their respect. Don’t demand anything. It’s no guarantee, but being a decent person and earning trust, respect, and mutual affection will help you find a submissive partner.
[…] can’t imagine being physically lower than a man in such a way. I, however, am a sexually submissive woman, and there’s nothing I’d rather do than kneel at my Dominant’s feet or, even […]