Sometimes I want to run and hide to see who will follow and come looking for me. I think I already know the answer. It’s not everyone but it doesn’t have to be.
I’m scared and skittish. If I don’t deem you safe, I will run and hide. Come looking for me, and I will duck my head and pretend to be invisible. I’m not trying to make anyone work hard to get near me. I’m not trying to be difficult. This isn’t a game for me. I don’t play games with people’s feelings. I can’t even fathom it.
I am so afraid of hurting again. I can’t understand why I haven’t stopped hurting yet. Yes, I can. But I feel pathetic that it’s been nearly five months and there are days when it feels like it’s been five minutes.
I don’t think I’m worth the fight to get through all the crap I’ve built up around myself. I present myself as playful and flirty. It’s easy, but I know it’s an incomplete picture. I’m brooding and introverted. Sometimes, I fall so far down into my head, you better bring oxygen and a strong lantern to come find me.
Most people don’t want to be bothered with that. And I don’t blame them. Why work so hard just to get to know someone? For the record, I do have people willing to pull me out of my head. But it’s too much to think that someone new will want to do it. And yet, when I start feeling skittish and scared, I wonder what would happen if I pulled in completely, like a turtle in her shell? Who would come looking for me?
I feel like a liar sometimes. I told him I would wait for him. I don’t feel like I’m waiting – even though the thick walls around my heart probably beg to differ.
I know, I know – when I’m ready, someone unexpected will pop into my life. I get it, ok? I’ve given the advice, and I’ve heard the advice. I’m not worried about who that person is or when they’ll arrive. Especially when my little side stomps her foot, pouts, clutches Teddy, and demands to have what she had before.
I’m concerned about who I am right now, in this moment. Am I a big, fat, fake flirt? Am I a tease? Am I more trouble than I’m worth? Does it matter? (The answer is that it shouldn’t matter.)
I don’t know. I know I’m skittish. If you show too much interest, be prepared for me to make the attempt to run and hide. If you don’t follow, my feelings will only hurt for a moment, because really, I don’t blame you if you move on.
That was a very honest post, nice to see. It also shows a nice level of being self aware. Also nice to see.
Sincerely
B.
I’m an introverted thinker. I’m probably too self-aware sometimes.
But thank you for the kind words.
We have just recently went through a similar quandary. You do not need to look, the right person will make himself known to you, he will listen to you, he will care about you and will make it possible for you to crawl out of the shadows and into the sunlight with him. Getting attached and hurting SUCKS! It may take a couple to find the right one, but as I’ve told my love, Is rather enjoy the love we share and all the experiences we enjoy together than not and live in the shadows, its hard to find the right one but there are many out there that can give us happiness and walk with us in the sunshine. You are a very bright woman and know a sincere one versus a player. Enjoy your sunshine, it comes from many and only helps us all grow. 🙂
Thank you so much. I think the two of you make a beautiful couple, and I am very happy for you both. 🙂
Just came across some restrain postings on your Facebook. Do something relax for the time being. Past is history. Don’t let it haunt you too much. Spring is coming, go to the garden to smell some roses,chase some butterflies, get yourself bath in sun light. You’ll feel better this way!
Thank you. I will try.
Take your time babe. Easy to say, sometimes hard to do. Your love (and your submission for that matter) are worthy of not just anyone, so it’s good that you just don’t hand it out. Someone who is worthy of YOU will come along. And then the risk will be worth it. *hugs and kisses* and always feel free to email me if you wanna talk. xoxo
((hugs and kisses)) right back. Thank you. You’re right, and I know it. Some days (or weeks) are harder than others.
The right one will sail easily across your safety hurdles…Just keep breathing, faking if need be and moving forward as this too shall pass. Ps your not a fake at all.
((hugs)) Thank you for saying I’m not. I’m harder on myself than anyone else could ever be.
Well sis you are not alone. Some of us are queens at SKITTISH. Hell we will even saboutage happiness because if frightens us. We dont think we are good enough or deserve it or??????
But there is magic in this world. And there is love beyond compare. And when those two meet nothing else in the world matters. Because you will feel love. He will be there with lantern and oxygen and shovel to dig you out of your cavern and into the sunlight.
The hardest part is that I thought I had that…so I’m not completely convinced lightning will strike twice…but we shall see. Thank you. ((hugs))
oh, you too, huh?. . ha. .( I hear ya.)
It sucks. ((hugs))
You are many things; a fake and a fraud you aren’t
/blush…thank you.