Sometimes I want to run and hide to see who will follow and come looking for me. I think I already know the answer. It's not everyone but it doesn't have to be.
I'm scared and skittish. If I don't deem you safe, I will run and hide. Come looking for me, and I will duck my head and pretend to be invisible. I'm not trying to make anyone work hard to get near me. I'm not trying to be difficult. This isn't a game for me. I don't play games with people's feelings. I can't even fathom it.
I am so afraid of hurting again. I can't understand why I haven't stopped hurting yet. Yes, I can. But I feel pathetic that it's been nearly five months and there are days when it feels like it's been five minutes.
I don't think I'm worth the fight to get through all the crap I've built up around myself. I present myself as playful and flirty. It's easy, but I know it's an incomplete picture. I'm brooding and introverted. Sometimes, I fall so far down into my head, you better bring oxygen and a strong lantern to come find me.
Most people don't want to be bothered with that. And I don't blame them. Why work so hard just to get to know someone? For the record, I do have people willing to pull me out of my head. But it's too much to think that someone new will want to do it. And yet, when I start feeling skittish and scared, I wonder what would happen if I pulled in completely, like a turtle in her shell? Who would come looking for me?
I feel like a liar sometimes. I told him I would wait for him. I don't feel like I'm waiting - even though the thick walls around my heart probably beg to differ.
I know, I know - when I'm ready, someone unexpected will pop into my life. I get it, ok? I've given the advice, and I've heard the advice. I'm not worried about who that person is or when they'll arrive. Especially when my little side stomps her foot, pouts, clutches Teddy, and demands to have what she had before.
I'm concerned about who I am right now, in this moment. Am I a big, fat, fake flirt? Am I a tease? Am I more trouble than I'm worth? Does it matter? (The answer is that it shouldn't matter.)
I don't know. I know I'm skittish. If you show too much interest, be prepared for me to make the attempt to run and hide. If you don't follow, my feelings will only hurt for a moment, because really, I don't blame you if you move on.