I have been teased in the past for being ever hopeful. I’m not unrealistic about life. I recognize that the things I hope for aren’t the reality. It doesn’t stop me from hoping for them – peace in the Middle East, sanity and reason in American politics, being reunited with a great love – but I’m not holding my breath that it’s ever going to happen either.
I’m the same way with life being fair and people doing what’s right. I think it’s the little girl in me that hopes, seeks fairness, and tries to do what’s right – and wishes the world would do the same.
I remember, as a child, saying, “That’s not fair!” and hearing, “No one said life was fair.” My response? Well, if something isn’t fair, shouldn’t we make it fair? As a child, I didn’t have some grandiose goal – I just wanted what I wanted, and it was unfair that I couldn’t have it. As an adult, I’m a bit more sophisticated. I just want the playing field leveled. I don’t want anyone to be given an unfair advantage other than the inherent traits they were born with or the skills they developed in themselves. (Societally, that’s often an unfair advantage because if you come from a more affluent area you have access to more opportunities than if you come from a poorer area.)
Wow, I digressed into my libbie politics there, didn’t I? Ok, back to my real point…
Fairness is a big deal to me. The world can’t always be fair, but I have a huge need to be fair as often as possible. This affects my relationships with people in major ways. It affects how I parent. Sometimes I have to step back and knowingly be “unfair” in the eyes of two small children because, well, sometimes life is unfair. Yes, I understand the irony of that. Parenting is filled with ironies.
At the same time, I have a strong sense of right and wrong. Most people’s sense of right and wrong is very personal to them. What may be wrong to me could be right to someone else. This isn’t about what I think is right or wrong. But, I have a very big belief in doing what’s right, even if and especially when, it’s hard.
Sometimes, what’s right isn’t fair. Sometimes, what’s fair isn’t right. And my sense of fair and right won’t match up with the next person’s belief. Both things are fairly subjective and yet most people feel pretty strongly about both. I know I do.
Over the past few months, I developed an amazing friendship with a Dominant I know. He shall remain nameless. (I learned a lesson before, and I will do a better job of protecting other people’s privacy.) He has helped me through the last few months in a way I didn’t realize I needed until he was in the middle of doing it. He’s a good man. A great man, actually.
To my sorrow, he has developed feelings for me that I can’t reciprocate. I value his friendship more than any friendship I’ve had in a long time. He’s intertwined himself in my life in ways I didn’t think possible. I need him. But my feelings aren’t the same.
It doesn’t feel fair for someone to care for me in a way I can’t return. It feels like I have an advantage that I didn’t earn, an advantage the other person doesn’t have. It feels like I’m using that person. They will make decisions based on their feelings for me that I won’t make because I don’t share those feelings. They can get hurt in a way that I can’t, because their feelings are involved. It’s not fair that they feel something that they can’t receive in return. It’s simply not fair.
At the same time, I need to do what’s right. But what’s right? Is it right to hold onto a friendship because the idea of losing it hurts too much? Is it right to continue to be honest about my feelings, knowing that the other person could eventually get hurt and is probably being hurt now? Is it right to hold on to something that you know in your heart of hearts is going to end eventually? Someone will get hurt, probably both someone’s. What’s fair and what’s right? I wish I knew.
I am quite interested in talking with you about how you think of the world. Your self description in the first paragraph, or at least how you think encourages me to think you might be able to help me with some quandries I have on ‘how we think’.
This is more of a science project than a friendship offer or anything similar. Privacy to be maintained and all that. Basically I’d like to send you a series of questions and have you answer them in any way you wish except for short answers. Essays would be the ultimate way to answer each.
Would you be willing to do this? You can get a taste of the direction by reading my four post series on free will. Sorry, it is a long read.
you can email me at myatheistlife at gmail dot com if you are interested.
Predicting hurt means in a way it’s already too late to prevent it. Because thoughts are usually in motion long before we act on them; his wants are on the loose. Sounds like you do not need this. I think, if your concerned, the time to let go is now. It’s hard isn’t it. You like him, just not the way he wants you to.
However, maybe on the other hand…(?) sorry. 🙂 I would go on…better not.
We’re working through it. I have a lot of issues. And as a dear friend of mine pointed out to me, I am a professional wall builder.
I’m a firm believer in hanging on to true friendships. I don’t know what the future holds. I have a sneaking suspicion on how this will end, but I’m really bad about worrying about things that haven’t happened yet.
It is MOST important that you be honest. If he truly cars for you and gives you things that you need, he can only do that well knowing.
I can’t function properly with honesty and communication. This shall be interesting, to say the least.
Better to feel “something” than nothing at all. You have grown close to him and respect him and his advice and believe him to be of true heart, as a friend. Many of the same qualities that we all need in a relationship whether it be a friend, Dominant, or Submissive. However, the gift cannot be freely given if not felt in your heart and soul and he probably knows this, I am sure he respects your honesty because it is the foundation of any relationship. You two are on “different” teams and that is just where your at right now and your heart already told you both the answer, and no its not fair.
You’re right and I agree completely. We’ve talked. I’m trying not to worry about the future so much. I think he and I have a story together, just not the fairy-tale ending kind. I firmly believe I’m supposed to know him at this specific time in his life. There will come a day when that might not be the case. Hopefully, our friendship is as strong as I think it is.
I’m a big proponent for a level playing field and how that may necessitate helping someone out, or at least treating people equally. A lack of fairness bothers me and I tend to become jaded pretty quickly if I feel things/polices/discipline isn’t executed in a fair manner. I think most people want fairness, but when it comes to what they want, their needs trump (if that makes sense).
As for you, I’m not much of an advice giver. Does he know your feelings aren’t similar? And out of curiosity, is it your previous love that is blocking you from seeing this as a possibility? Just curious as to why there couldn’t be something more. But I’d find it difficult to give up a solid friendship if both parties knew the nature of the relationship. My guess is he’d rather have you around as a friend and deal with unrequited feelings than lose you.
A lot of it is my heartbreak, and I know that plays a part. Yes, I have been completely open and honest with him about my feelings – it would be unfair otherwise, I think.
We’re figuring this out and I’m trying hard not to worry too much about a future that I can’t control anyway. He’s very dear to me and has helped me so much in the past few months. I won’t let go of him easily, regardless of what happens and how we end up.
What’s fair AND right might be as simple as sharing with him your conundrum. Neither of those things means painless, however. Good luck, honey. xx Hy
I’ve talked to him – before I even wrote this. We’re working on it, and I’m trying not to worry.
You said it sometimes doing the right thing is not fair… It’s just life.
Truth and honesty is always the right thing to do, albeit not an easy thing to do.
I understand your dilemma and I hope by now you’ve talked with him.
Tell him him you feel and let him decide. Don’t choose for him.
I was in a similar situation. We just clicked and developed something unique – a special bond — but I wasn’t attracted to him in that way. We talked and he made his decision.
Anyway, this isn’t about me but I wanted to show that it can be done and after you talk with him he might be able to stay friends with you.
I hope so… A special and unique friendship is worth fightijng for…
Good luck, Kayla.
We’ve talked extensively. And I did exactly that – I laid it all out and I let him choose. We chose our weird, strange friendship. We shall see what happens from here.
I am glad you both talked.. Yay for that. 🙂
It’s so hard when the both of you are bloggers but it’s nice to see you both kept things and handle your entries in an adult way.
Hope for the best and things will sort themselves out on their own.
Lots of love,
Thank you. 🙂