I was called a "sweet little girl" today. A part of me liked it - a lot. A part of me started thinking - as usual.
Am I a sweet little girl?
I'm not sure. I think I want to be, very much so. I can't wrap my mind around the term "Daddy" because my father was my daddy, but I think there are elements of DD/lg that speak to me.
Being protected and cherished and nurtured. Receiving the care and assistance to be better. Yes, good D/s relationships should all be that way and to a certain extent, they are. But I find that it's more about the way it's done, the method used.
My lion (and yes, he will always be my lion) was strict and stern about my behavior, about the rules. He could be indulgent when he felt it was warranted, but when we were in that space together, I would never have considered myself a little girl in anyway. I was deeply (and still am) submissive - and very happy. But there was very little that was, well, little me. I can't help but wonder if he would have enjoyed this side of me. And then I tell myself it doesn't matter. That's a closed chapter of my life. I've learned to accept that.
I read Gabriel's Inferno by Sylvain Reynard while I traveled the past few days. I thought it was a D/s book so I avoided it for a long time. And in some ways, it was but it was very subtle. It was actually about a very strong love. Once he realized his feelings, all Gabriel wanted in life was to protect, care for, cherish, and lavish love and attention on Julia.
I realized reading it that I want that. I want to love and be loved that deeply. I am well aware and very proud of the fact that I can take care of myself. But to submit to a man who wants to take care of me and can take care of me in every way? It may simply be fantasy found only in fiction, but it's a fantasy I adore and would like to believe in.
The submissive in me craves pleasing her Dominant (whoever he may be). The little girl wants to be shielded and protected from the world, taken in hand and guided, showered with love and affection. I don't take good care of myself because I'm busy doing other things. I find it hard to do nice things for myself because there are other people in my life who need to be taken care of first.
All that being said, I find it very hard to allow anyone to get close to me, close enough for me allow them to give me what I know I need. I've become a person who can compartmentalize the people and the tasks in my life, which makes me sad. I was never that way before. I devoted myself to one person, one thing, one whatever, and they became a fluid part of my day, my life, my thinking. Now, I find I can shut my feelings down like flipping a switch. I don't think I like that about myself.
So am I a sweet little girl? I think I'm capable of it. When I wear my Pink Batman panties, I think I am. When I watch Disney movies, I think I am. When I cry and feel genuine pain for the suffering of others, I think I am. When I am honestly delighted at someone else's good fortune, I think I am. Maybe there are other moments, maybe not.
I know that I've got a strong little side. Woe to the man who's brave enough to take that on. I hope he can handle me sleeping with him and Teddy.