I’ve been doing the stupidest shit – avoiding my own blog because I didn’t want to clog up the airwaves (you know what I mean) with my sob story bullshit. What?! This is my space. Those who aren’t interested and wish I would post something sexy will certainly find someone else’s erotica to get themselves off. I’m a fucking headcase right now, and this is my therapy.
I vacillate between calm, peaceful, acceptance of life and fear, pure fear. I laugh when I’m supposed to laugh. My sarcasm still cuts like a knife. I cry – sometimes I don’t know why; sometimes it’s because I heard some sad, stupid song on the radio; sometimes it’s because I’m envious of other people’s happiness.
I hate that I feel this way.
I have random conversations with people. Some want to dominate me. Some just want to fuck me. Some aren’t sure – or maybe they are, but they haven’t shared it with me yet. Almost all of them think they know me – because they’ve read my blog. I guess they’re right. This is me at my most open and raw. But very few know the other side: the grown woman who has to tell herself she’s not crazy simply because I recognize that I have a little girl side…if I name her maybe that will make me crazy, I don’t know; the grown woman who has to be strong and in control every single moment of every single goddamned day – too many people depend on me; the grown woman who wants to give in to her little girl side.
That little girl side wants a teddy bear and Disney movies. She loves fairies and the color pink. That little girl side would like to pretend that nothing bad ever happens, ever. She’d like to be silly and twirl in circles. My little girl side is so scared.
I think that’s where my negative emotions come from. The grown woman shrugs shit off and keeps moving forward, because there are no other options. The grown woman says, “Fuck you, if you walk away from me. I’m fucking awesome.” The grown woman is too busy raising two little boys and working her ass off for a company that thinks it would fall apart without her (it wouldn’t, but they don’t know that).
But the little girl is so scared. She keeps getting left behind. People come into her life and then they leave. Who will leave next? Why does she have to be alone? All she wants is someone who loves her and will keep her safe.
What’s fucking me over is that these two sides of me are at war. Within seconds, I move between wanting to have a cold attitude about it and then sobbing into my hands because I can’t take one more minute feeling like this. One moment I’m laughing at the absurdity of some elements in my life and in the next I’m terrified of being hurt again. I’m starting to feel crazy.
I know, I know. This is normal. I will work through it. I know all of the truisms. I’ve used them before. It doesn’t make it any easier.
Right now, I’d give anything to feel normal again.
You and me both. I volley back and forth between “Don’t fuck with me!” and being a complete head case.
It makes me feel crazy…
Someone once told me my blog was my space to say what I wanted. It’s important to say what you need to. I can definitely understand your feelings to a certain degree.
I have told others the same thing…but I fall into the same trap as everyone else, I suppose…
Normal… *posh* There is no such thing, only a fairy tale sold to us in romance novels and sitcoms. For me, sometimes it’s songs, but often commercials, that draw tears. There is this huggie diaper commercial they always so at Christmas with babies’ faces that plays Silent Night; shit, it makes me cry every single time I see it.
Kayla dear, you will find your Daddy, who will be an integral part of the man who will become your Sir; of that I have no doubt.
*hugs and kisses* and *pleasant wishes your way** ~LSAM
Aw, thank you dear LSAM…you have been missed in this space…what’s up with having a real life to tend to, anyway?? 🙂 ((HUGS))
I AM crazy. Join the club.
I’m in an entirely new boat. My best vanilla friends (who already know my crazy, and my kink) now know my blog address. How about that!
Truly, I’m not in any different a boat than you are although it looks different.
Every time a man comes into my life, what I want changes. It’s a bit schizophrenic or bipolar. I want to be part of a pair so badly, it blurs who I am and makes me stupid. I lose part of myself, willingly, then when the other half of me is gone, I’m broken in two.
There has to be a better way. I want a better way. I want something that hasn’t happened yet but I know is out there.
I think it’s the unknowing that kills me. I believe that better things exist for everyone but myself. How jacked up is that?!
I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m too afraid of getting hurt no matter how much I want to be with someone. I’d rather be alone than get hurt again.
If you’d rather be alone right now, embrace being alone.
I sense that of the new people I’ve met at the submissives support group, that doing ‘scenes’ without any kind of commitment feels more right for them than having to have a Dom and all the complications of a relationship. Maybe you might like that.
Get through your worklife hell first and then figure out what Kayla wants and needs. I’m not sure work and family would even let you be with someone right now. As young and vibrant as you are, you HAVE to have down time, too, time to figure out what YOU want. That’s hard to do when you’re putting in 60 hours a week and raising two precious souls.
And yet, I hate being alone. You can see my problem, right? Typical woman – I can’t be satisfied. I want it all…and I’m scared shitless. /sigh
Why does your “big” and “little” side have to be at war or you feel they do. Why can’t you allow you “little” side some time maybe re-center yourself. I know real-life issues can’t always allow it. Family can also be an issue as can friends.
You don’t have to call it your “little time” but use another name like “duvet day”, use that time/day re-center both your sides. Allow your little side to cry and have her fears faced, cuddle your teddy, watch Disney type movies and/or colouring in. Then in time allow yourself become big again.
When I need little time I have found it can take a good couple of days, I watch a lot of different types of movies, cuddle my teddy, snuggle under duvet, there is times where I need chocolate and ice-cream. My little side can be take a day to work itself out, then the next day I slowly work on getting back to my big side again.
It is not always easy for me to get this time, I have two kids at home one of which I am his main carer for. I am single mum and carer, but I learned a long time I have to honour this process or I become physically ill. I have had to do this a couple of times over the couple years where I have to allow my little side out. My ex-Sir couldn’t understand my need to do this. My relationships since do understand.
*Hugs & kisses* for your struggles and I hope you can resolve them all soon.
I haven’t figured out how to give my little space. I’ve spent my entire adult life being a grown woman, even when I was younger…so the little side is very foreign to me. Thus, we’re at war with one another.
Foxy asked a good question: Why do they need to be at war within you? I believe that the different facets of a person are ways your subconscious communicates your needs. When Grown Woman is the one whose voice you hear the loudest, search behind the voice for the need that is not being met. When it is Little Girl, there is a different part of you trying to communicate with you. Being open to hearing the messages and being able to find them is not easy, but I think you have the intelligence and intuitiveness to figure it out. Sometimes you may hear both, as you do now, and maybe that is because there are multiple needs that are clamoring for satisfaction. So take a quiet moment and have a conversation with them. Ask them what they are missing and see if you can find some ways in your life to give them what they need, even if that doesn’t involve finding that Special Someone. You have the ability to fulfill both the Grown Woman and the Little Girl entirely within yourself. Don’t be afraid to talk to them and be willing to open your heart to the messages they are trying to give you. 🙂 Hang in there. It can be a loud, crazy place when your multiple facets are shouting at you. But if you focus and listen to each of them, you will find it gets calmer. And no, babe, you are NOT crazy. No more or less than anyone else out there.
Sending you hugs.
((hugs))
What you and Foxy say makes sense. It’s just hard to put into action. I’m workin’ on it, though.
Baby, there is NO such thing as normal. We ARE the new normal. We need to embrace the little girl and the bad girl. We are worthy of love. We are worthy of life. We are worthy of, everything. Everything.
((hugs))
My dear we all are this way to one extent or another. I have said my entire life that being born a Gemini i suffered from multiple personality disorder. And now more than ever. I roll from moment to moment between wanting to save a 23 yr marriage, and wanting my freedom. Of knowing that my happiness lives out there in the arms of tall dashing pirate. And of being so afraid to let go of a life i know. We all want, we all need. We all long for that happpiness and stability and magic. We so rarely just jump.
I have jumped. And I have survived. And no matter how my knees knock, I know I can do it again. I guess I want the one who knows that same feeling. The one who thinks happiness is worth it, that I’m worth it. I don’t care anymore that most people don’t. I want the one who does – because for a brief shining moment in life, I had a man like that.
I identify with this so much…the only problem is with my situation, the little girl is a bratty beast and is taking over my life.
I worry about my little girl side doing that…I keep her at bay, a lot.