I’m still trying to wrap my mind around my most recent loss. I keep waiting for someone to tell me that it’s a really cruel joke. I know it’s not, but my mind finds it all hard to accept.
Needless to say, I’ve been in a sad state the past few days. This loss makes me think of other losses – the loss of friendship, the loss of love. Two of the people I would have reached out to during a time like this are the two people who don’t want me. Thankfully, there are others I can lean on.
The thought that goes through my mind is that the death of my friend was a loss without a choice. He didn’t walk away; he was taken from me. When I compare that to being left behind – no matter how valid the reason – I think I’m supposed to be angry about it, righteously indignant. Instead, I’m just sad.
I’m afraid – of being forgotten, of being left behind, of not being enough. The same fears I’ve had all along, I thought I’d beaten them back. In some weird way, this week has brought them all back to the surface.
It makes me want to withdraw into myself. I want to hide away and tell everyone to leave me alone. If I did that, who would follow me and who would comply with my demand? I’m afraid to find out. I may find myself completely alone.
I know I’ve allowed people into my life that I wouldn’t have under different circumstances. Some drifted in out of mutual curiosity; some out of genuine affection from casual interactions; some because they thought I was fuckable. They’ve stayed around – I don’t know if their reasons have changed or if they’re just lonely and bored. I often wonder when they’ll drift back out and if they’ll tell me good bye or if they’ll just disappear.
I don’t believe any of them are permanent (as permanent as anything can be in life). Why should I? I thought I had love beyond compare and I lost that. Why would I think anyone else is here to stay? Or that they even want to stay?
I know, I know, this sounds like I’m down on myself. I don’t feel that way. I think I’m being more pragmatic about it all – people walk away from me more often than not so it makes sense to expect it from others. If someone sticks around, it becomes a happy surprise, right?
All I want is to be someone’s good girl, their special girl. I want to be wanted, loved, needed, all of it. I want to fully submit to a man I deem worthy. I want the emotional connection that I see in others’ relationships. I want it all.
I want someone who takes risks for me. I want someone who makes grand gestures. I want someone who does mildly stupid things for me. I want the fucking fairy tale.
But I’m more realistic than that.
I know those things don’t happen for most people. I know most people are scared and hold back. They’re afraid of rejection. They’re afraid of appearing foolish. They’re afraid to wear their heart on their sleeve. They’re afraid to be fearless.
Maybe that’s what I’m waiting for – the one who’s fearless.
You have to rebuild your social network with friends, relatives. Lesson is not to build your world around any particular person. Get a dog if you love animals. Dog can cheer you up. Dogs are faithful, they won’t fail people, are human beings best friend!
My kids would be so happy if I got a dog…alas, the landlord says no…and I can’t handle one more creature to be responsible for…
Time. You have suffered such loss lately, in my opinion (for what it is worth) you are coping well,and will continue to move forward. A scorned woman is a path to be reckoned with. One day at a time, rebuild. Thinking of you.
Thank you…it does seem overwhelming when I think about all of it together…one foot in front of the other is all I can do…
Sounds so much like how I feel *huggies* & wishing so much good luck & good thoughts for you.
First…Hugz!! Second you have had several setbacks of late its perfectly normal to feel the way that you do…Keep moving forward, breathe, take strength where you can and no your not alone but at times i know that bone chilling fear that you might be all alone…
I’m sorry fro your loss…Hugz again xxxoo’s
Thanks…one day at a time, right? That’s all anyone can do…
fearless is hard. we all can manage it in small doses when the risk is not so great. But when it is an all or nothing proposition most of us cower in the corner and wait for something to happen. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Your loss has rattled you to the core. So just sit… breath,, and take some time… Hugs
Hang in there Kayla. There is a poem I have sung at many family funerals that may comfort you, thought you may like it.
“Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep” by Mary Elizabeth Frye
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
That’s beautiful. Thank you.
I want someone to think I’m worth a risk, any risk…so far no one in my life has…
Sitting and breathing…it’s all I can do sometimes…
I understand your desire. To find that one who isn’t afraid to take the risk, or at least, whose desire to be with you supersedes their need to protect themselves or hide their feelings. To find that one person who looks at you and can’t fathom a day without seeing your face or hearing your voice. I think fearlessness is a rare quality. But that doesn’t stop us from searching. Just keep breathing, Kayla.
That’s what I’m doing…breathing.
I found that man. It took five years (of very uninspiring domming). I understand all of what you say, deeply. Don’t give up. I looked fearlessly, and in the end had to wait and almost die to hang on, but it came, it came….. I am loved the way you describe, from little girl to grown-up and everything in between. It’s not perfect by any means, we both have much “stuff” to deal with, but it’s real… it’s real. Don’t give up on your quest.
You give me hope. Thank you.