I’ve been doing the stupidest shit – avoiding my own blog because I didn’t want to clog up the airwaves (you know what I mean) with my sob story bullshit. What?! This is my space. Those who aren’t interested and wish I would post something sexy will certainly find someone else’s erotica to get themselves off. I’m a fucking headcase right now, and this is my therapy.
I vacillate between calm, peaceful, acceptance of life and fear, pure fear. I laugh when I’m supposed to laugh. My sarcasm still cuts like a knife. I cry – sometimes I don’t know why; sometimes it’s because I heard some sad, stupid song on the radio; sometimes it’s because I’m envious of other people’s happiness.
I hate that I feel this way.
I have random conversations with people. Some want to dominate me. Some just want to fuck me. Some aren’t sure – or maybe they are, but they haven’t shared it with me yet. Almost all of them think they know me – because they’ve read my blog. I guess they’re right. This is me at my most open and raw. But very few know the other side: the grown woman who has to tell herself she’s not crazy simply because I recognize that I have a little girl side…if I name her maybe that will make me crazy, I don’t know; the grown woman who has to be strong and in control every single moment of every single goddamned day – too many people depend on me; the grown woman who wants to give in to her little girl side.
That little girl side wants a teddy bear and Disney movies. She loves fairies and the color pink. That little girl side would like to pretend that nothing bad ever happens, ever. She’d like to be silly and twirl in circles. My little girl side is so scared.
I think that’s where my negative emotions come from. The grown woman shrugs shit off and keeps moving forward, because there are no other options. The grown woman says, “Fuck you, if you walk away from me. I’m fucking awesome.” The grown woman is too busy raising two little boys and working her ass off for a company that thinks it would fall apart without her (it wouldn’t, but they don’t know that).
But the little girl is so scared. She keeps getting left behind. People come into her life and then they leave. Who will leave next? Why does she have to be alone? All she wants is someone who loves her and will keep her safe.
What’s fucking me over is that these two sides of me are at war. Within seconds, I move between wanting to have a cold attitude about it and then sobbing into my hands because I can’t take one more minute feeling like this. One moment I’m laughing at the absurdity of some elements in my life and in the next I’m terrified of being hurt again. I’m starting to feel crazy.
I know, I know. This is normal. I will work through it. I know all of the truisms. I’ve used them before. It doesn’t make it any easier.
Right now, I’d give anything to feel normal again.