When hope fades, I sleep. At least that’s what happened today.
Sir teases me all the time for being idealistic and hopeful. To be fair, I have my cynical moments, but when they said, “Hope springs eternal” they were talking about me. I have been hopeful for days that at some point before I need to be at a national convention seven hours away from home, He would come home, and I would be able to visit Him. Today, I finally had to admit to myself that it wasn’t going to happen.
On Thursday, I thought maybe I could leave on Saturday as planned. By that afternoon and Friday morning, I hoped for a Sunday departure. By Saturday, I wished for a Monday departure. Yesterday, I thought maybe Tuesday. Today, I forced myself to face reality – not this time. I thought I resigned myself to this possibility days ago. I was wrong.
In an effort not to allow myself to feel sad, because it makes Him sad and stressed and other negative emotions He does not need right now, I buried it deep. When that failed, I slept. But my dreams were vivid and focused only on Him. I didn’t want to wake up – I didn’t want to let go of Him even in my sleep. I could sleep right now except for the hope (there’s that word again) that He might call tonight because He said He would try. Even if I don’t get that phone call, I love Him for thinking of it.
I admit that I cried a bit, felt sorry for myself, moped a little. But staying in that place isn’t an option. Life goes on, and because I just can’t help myself, I hope (there I go again) that maybe I can see Him before I come back home next weekend. It’s a small shimmering hope that I am only just now admitting to myself. And I won’t get my hopes up (yeah, right) that it will happen. But, if the opportunity presents itself, I will take a few precious hours with Him. It’s not what I originally wanted, but it’s better than nothing.
I have to believe that we won’t always be this way. I have to believe that one day the distance part of our relationship will disappear. I have to believe that I will see Him sooner rather than later. If I don’t hold on to those hopes and dreams, I may sleep my life away.