When Hope Fades

When hope fades, I sleep. At least that’s what happened today.

Sir teases me all the time for being idealistic and hopeful. To be fair, I have my cynical moments, but when they said, “Hope springs eternal” they were talking about me. I have been hopeful for days that at some point before I need to be at a national convention seven hours away from home, He would come home, and I would be able to visit Him. Today, I finally had to admit to myself that it wasn’t going to happen.

On Thursday, I thought maybe I could leave on Saturday as planned. By that afternoon and Friday morning, I hoped for a Sunday departure. By Saturday, I wished for a Monday departure. Yesterday, I thought maybe Tuesday. Today, I forced myself to face reality – not this time. I thought I resigned myself to this possibility days ago. I was wrong.

In an effort not to allow myself to feel sad, because it makes Him sad and stressed and other negative emotions He does not need right now, I buried it deep. When that failed, I slept. But my dreams were vivid and focused only on Him. I didn’t want to wake up – I didn’t want to let go of Him even in my sleep. I could sleep right now except for the hope (there’s that word again) that He might call tonight because He said He would try. Even if I don’t get that phone call, I love Him for thinking of it.

I admit that I cried a bit, felt sorry for myself, moped a little. But staying in that place isn’t an option. Life goes on, and because I just can’t help myself, I hope (there I go again) that maybe I can see Him before I come back home next weekend. It’s a small shimmering  hope that I am only just now admitting to myself. And I won’t get my hopes up (yeah, right) that it will happen. But, if the opportunity presents itself, I will take a few precious hours with Him. It’s not what I originally wanted, but it’s better than nothing.

I have to believe that we won’t always be this way. I have to believe that one day the distance part of our relationship will disappear. I have to believe that I will see Him sooner rather than later. If I don’t hold on to those hopes and dreams, I may sleep my life away.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


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