I find that I’m in a strange place, unfamiliar but not unnerving.
I spend time on Tumblr staring at erotic images but none speak to me. I read blog posts that are highly erotic yet none arouse me.
I think about His hand on my face or on my arm, and my body trembles. I think about the sound of His voice, and I shiver. I think about His kiss when He’s unshaven and scruffy and how it feels against my skin, and my pussy tightens.
He allowed me the pleasure of five orgasms today, and my cunt ached afterwards. A pleasant ache that I knew was caused by Him, although I’m not sure how.
I’m not depressed or falling into my head. I miss Him, of course, but no more than usual. This is different. A sense of calm fills me. Maybe I have finally found serenity in my proper place. Maybe I’ve let go of old fears that weigh me down. Maybe today is simply Wednesday and it doesn’t matter, and Thursday will bring something different.
Nothing I feel is forced. My peace of mind did not come after hours of telling myself why I should have peace of mind. It simply is. My pleasure at hearing His voice over the phone for two minutes is not diminished by the lack of communication during the day. The two minute phone call enhances my pleasure. I know, instinctively, that I am loved, cherished, remembered, and missed. I don’t have to tell myself these things. I don’t have to wonder or worry.
I have never felt so sure and secure. It comes at a time when the world would understand if I felt the opposite. It has been more than two months since we were last together. Although there is an opportunity to see one another soon, I know it is unlikely to happen. While I miss Him and would do anything to be in His presence, the idea of not seeing Him does not scare me. I know that He will still love me, even if it’s from a great distance.
All that being said, regardless of my surety, regardless of my serenity, regardless of the calmness of my demeanor – internal and external, I cannot allow myself to think about the distance or the amount of time that has passed without tears. No great gulping sobs, no shuddering cries. Silent tears that simply mean, “I miss Him.”
I’m in a place I don’t understand, and for once, I don’t think I’ll try to figure it out. But, it is a strange place.
“Falling into my head”… what a good way to put that. It’s something I do on occasion. But hadn’t thought to put it in those terms. : )
It’s the only way I know to describe it…and unfortunately, it happens all the time…the last time, He admitted that if I continued it would eventually hurt our relationship…want to talk about a wake up call? That scared the hell out of me…
I understand how that could put the fear in you… but at the same time… sometimes falling in one’s head is such a pleasant place to be. I think that those who don’t do that don’t understand. It’s not always to shut others out… it’s just cozy in there. At least that’s how it can be for me.
When I fall in, it’s deep, dark, and depressing…maybe what I’m experiencing now is the lighter side of it…if so, I like it… 🙂
Good!
You will be fine Kayla. 2 months is a bit if time but in the grand scheme of things not so long, No worries. He cherishes you and you know that! Hugs & hang in there long distance stinks.
Thanks…I’m doing better than I might have in the past…I think that’s why it feels so strange…I almost feel like it should be worse than this…lol
That’s eerie. I’ve had five myself today. 2 this morning and 3 this afternoon. Alone. But pretty wonderful all the same. They can’t fill the one part of me though.
You’re right…they can’t…sometimes, they’re an ok substitute…sort of…
They’re a temporary scratch for an itch that never goes away.
Thank you, that is EXACTLY it…
Yeah. I know too well. I’ve been dealing with that aspect of it my whole life, not just the last year and a half when the light bulb finally went off
I’ve been fortunate, I guess…I’ve only been scratching that itch for a few months, and the lightbulb moment happened very shortly thereafter…now I really have no desire to scratch any itches without prior permission…
I know what you mean on the I miss you.
You and he have been through some really challenging times. While reading your posts over the last several weeks, I just wanted to give you a big sisterly hug.
At times stress can really have an effect on your sexual side. I take it as nature’s way of telling you to focus on the things that really require your attention.
I’m sure over time (a short time, I hope) your and his issues will be resolved and you can both focus on the wonderful connection you have.
That’s what I’m hoping, too…thank you… 🙂