“Sometimes I wish I was a selfish bitch. I think their lives must be easier,” I said to Him during my few precious moments on the phone.
“You know, if I called you up, told you this, and you went selfish bitch on me, I’d be out the door, right?” He asked.
“Of course!” I gasped. “And you would have every right to do that! I don’t really want to be a selfish bitch, I promise.”
I don’t know how to be selfish. When I went through my divorce last year, the part that left me in agony was the guilt I felt because I made (in my mind at the time) a selfish decision. I don’t really want to be a selfish bitch. What I want is to have things fall into place the way I’d like them to. But who wouldn’t, right?
I’m doing everything in my power not to be a burden or a stressor, to fit into the cracks of His life when and where He has time. That’s what He needs from me right now, and it’s what I want to give Him. It doesn’t mean that it’s easy though. I have felt forgotten at times. I have felt unimportant. I have felt unnecessary.
That’s not because He has made me feel that way. It’s because I still carry around a little bit of baggage (ok, a lot) from my previous relationship. I know He gives me all that He can. For fuck’s sake, He texts me at 5:00 a.m. almost every morning! Not a lot of people would do that. He calls me on the way home from work and sits in parking lots to talk to me and focus on me instead of ending the phone call and going inside – I know most people don’t do that. He’s answered my call before, admitted He was in the middle of something, and still given me 20 minutes of His time.
I don’t talk often about my little girl feelings with Him for two reasons. One, because He doesn’t need the pressure, and two, because I know He already knows I have them. He knows me like the back of His hand. He learned me early on, and He knows I do everything I can to suppress the bullshit. And He knows sometimes I fail.
But, the little girl part of me wishes for a selfish bitch moment sometimes. The ability to say, “Hey, pay attention to me, let me be the most important part of your life!” Except, I’m not wired that way. The moment the thought enters my mind, I reject it because of how I feel about Him, and His life is more important than how I feel right now. I have it relatively easy in comparison.
And like I told Him today, I’m maintaining faith that it won’t always be like this.
So while I might have an errant thought about becoming a selfish bitch, I won’t and I can’t. I care too deeply for Him, His feelings, what He needs. I’ll allow myself a moment every now and then to feel sorry for myself, and then I’ll push it to the side and give Him everything I can, I’ll try to be a bright spot in His crazy, stressful life because regardless of the little girl feelings, that’s what I truly care about.
The little girl in me is clingy too. I am not clingy. I push away needs and emotions. She is a damn ankle biter. She isn’t selfish, just so freaking needy. It’s embarrassing some days.
It IS embarrassing! Today, she was downright whiny in my head…and every so often, I fall in to the trap of believing her bs…it pisses me off! My little girl side is only fun when she’s happy…any other time, I wish she’d fuck off…
Yeah. Ditto. I am feeling your pain on that one. Whereas I can maintain control of myself, she cannot.
I feel bad for the Dominants having to deal with both sides of us.
Poor guys…sometimes I think He finds is amusing…and sometimes, not so much…
I’m sure. That is one problem with distance. When you are in someone’s presence, a look is enough to shut me up. Sometimes tone does not come across in text or even on the phone, especially when they are keeping their own emotions under control. And that little bitch in me just goes crazy having her way.
Although, they do have their own alter egos. I suppose it is a give and take.
We try never to have a potentially serious or emotional discussion via text because of that problem…when we’re together, I’m so happy that my little girl behaves, so we haven’t gotten to the point of just needing a look…but over the phone, I can tell from His tone very easily…and it sucks…stupid little girl goes and hides while the very obedient submissive (me) is feeling like shit…I wonder what it says about me that I can talk about my different personas like this…hmmmmm….
Ummm, talking about two different personas…that’s me through and through, so I am not an objective opinion. Unfortunately, I don’t know when to shut up sometimes, so ‘a look’ is helpful. I do know how to take directions.
I am selfish and needy at times and always want more but it’s up to Him to manage me and make me see when I am heading on the wrong direction.
your Sir, with all respect, him saying “You know, if I called you up, told you this, and you went selfish bitch on me, I’d be out the door, right?”
to me this his statement is not right and very hurtful… dare I say mean.
Not right at all. I would die if my Sir said those words to me.
I am sorry but really? He will give up on you and just walk out the door with out him trying to manage your feelings? *shakes head*
Maybe it’s the way I am reading it but someone that could just walk away from a relationship because you want want to be a selfish bitch is not a way for a Dom to behave.
What happened to him communicating his displeasure and talking things through. You should always be free to speak your mind, doesn’t mean he has to do as your wish but hearing you out and then telling you what his decision is going to be is better than just simply walking out the door because he doesn’t like how you are behaving.
God I am sorry I went on a rant. 🙁
It’s ok. Knowing the whole story makes it seem more understandable…and I’m about to tell the whole story.