Someone asked me if I had someone I could physically lean on during this time so I’m not alone. The sad answer is no. My friends and family had only heard about Him. They’d never met Him, heard His voice, or learned for themselves how amazing He is. While they support me and care for me, they were reserving judgement until they could decide for themselves.
I don’t exactly have a good track record with men (Exhibit A – deadbeat ex-husband). I always get the feeling that they’re a little concerned that I picked another “winner” in that category. It drives me nuts, but I don’t worry too much about it, because I know once they meet Him, they’ll relax and understand. Since that hasn’t happened (yet?), the support is there, but it’s muted. They feel bad for me, but they don’t get it.
Now, add in the fact that none of them know about my D/s lifestyle with Him, nor could any of them fathom the amount of trust that has to go into a D/s relationship to make it work. If they knew, they’d be more concerned about abuse, brainwashing, or some other crazy idea. They’d forget to be supportive while they questioned whether I’m sane or not.
After my last post, I had a one step forward, two steps back moment. I feel lost and alone now that I’m back at home. There are so many moments during my day where I would normally send Him a quick text – to share some random thing my children said or did or some random thought that occurred to me. And I can’t do that. He was more than my Sir or my boyfriend. He was my friend. One who really gets me. Without that ability to connect, I feel lost. I didn’t handle it well this evening. I sobbed again, curled up on my bed, holding myself, trembling.
I couldn’t stop thinking that I’m a submissive without a Dominant. I’m no longer protected. I’m no longer cherished. I’m no longer needed or wanted. And the person I trust more than anyone in the world is the one person I can’t reach out to during all of this. The one person who could get me to focus with a simple word or two is the very person I need to back away from, for His sake.
I staggered downstairs to make sure my children weren’t hurting each other or the house, and I plopped down in front of the laptop – again. I remembered that I promised to proofread something for a friend, and I’d left her hanging for days. I opened up her story, and by page four, I was completely engrossed.
When I came up for air (and to put the boys to bed), I realized I felt better. She’s writing about D/s, and she’d managed to arouse me with her words. It’s nice to know I’m not completely dead inside. I thought about how much that helped me occupy my mind. I thought about how much everyone in this space has been so fucking supportive – more so than people who know me “in real life.”
I thought all sorts of things – stay busy and you’ll be ok; missing Him isn’t the end of the world, stay positive; you’ll cry a lot more before its over, and that’s ok. And then I thought this:
I don’t need just anybody to love, but I’m definitely getting by with a little help from my friends.