I emoted all over the place earlier – without a detailed explanation. And within moments of posting, I heard from Him. He was not happy – not at all. Neither was I, but for different reasons.
I did what I’ve always done when upset – I ran to my head. I just happen to use my blog as a place to think sometimes.
What I failed to do, here and with Him, was explain myself clearly.
Why was I so upset that I wished for discipline when none was warranted? Why did I take to the blogosphere instead of talking to Him? Why did I emote first, think second? Because old habits die hard.
What He did not know until today, what I hoped I would never have to admit because of how pathetic it makes me feel, is that the little gift that He gave me, that broke today – that was the first gift I’d been given by a man in years, if not ever. Yes, that’s right. I chose to have relationships with men who never gave me gifts – birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day, anniversary, you name it. Ridiculous, right?
Now here’s a man who loves me, cherishes me, respects me, commands me, makes me wet, and gives me little gifts. To Him, it was a small thing, nothing much, a toy. To me, it was everything. And when I found it broken and currently unrepairable (yes, I probably made that word up), I died inside. If I can’t keep such a small thing from breaking how will I ever manage to keep something like a relationship together?
I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who not only thinks I’m worthy of good things but wants to make sure I have them. He believes I deserve the best, that I’m worthy. That’s new for me. And I respond to Him as if He was like any other man I’ve known. Big mistake.
We talked, I cried. We’re better. The moment I actually communicated with Him, He understood. I promised to talk to Him and not run to my head or my blog as a first reaction.
As he so aptly put it later, “Pull your head up and smile, silly butt…I still love you and old habits die hard. But I’ll kick their ass when they pop up.”