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Masturbation Monday Sex Writing

I Thought About Quitting

the word quit spelled out on a keyboard making me thinking about quitting my sex blog

Very little here will be smutty today. If you only read for the kinky fuckery, try this post instead.

It’s been a while since I was both real and unsexy. I’m always real here, even if it’s a fantasy, because I’m not very good at fiction. And I try to be sexy about everything, especially since time and life only allow one blog post a week — and hopefully you’ve noticed which day I never miss.

But real and decidedly unsexy? It always feels the most authentic and leaves me feeling the most vulnerable at the same time. Like all my sensitive spots on are display, stinging from the contact with air and sunlight. It’s terrifying and necessary, all at once.

I almost quit blogging last week. Podcasting, too. Done. Over. Move on. Walk away. Can’t do this anymore.

The question has come to mind before — do I give up on the sex-blogging-as-a-career dream and focus on what actually makes me money? It’s something I consider every so often. Normally, the thought of quitting is rejected before I can fully form the thought. A visceral rejection, unfathomable.

For the first time, it was a viable option to be weighed and measured. But I still didn’t want to give it light and sunshine, in case it grew and became reality. So instead, as these things do, I let it fester in my head, looming larger, becoming scarier by the second.

I shut down, keeping everyone out. Even John Brownstone.

To say the thoughts out loud would give them power and meaning, make them real. Somehow I convinced myself if I talked about it, I would act on it, and I didn’t really want to — at least I think I didn’t or I didn’t want to want it. Even though it held an allure that I can’t pretend to ignore.

No more agonizing over every word.

No more feeling like a failure for all the things I don’t do —ย the content not published, the conversations not had, the general “stuff” not done that feels important in the moment.

I’d no longer feel like I couldn’t keep up, like I’ll never actually meet this goal, and like it’s a fantasy I’ve built in my head. The self-imposed pressure would be gone.

But so, too, would the connection. Knowing words can change the world — my words. The utter delight with the right turn of phrase. Controlling my life (as much as any of us has control), knowing that whatever success I find along the way comes at my own effort.

The striving and hoping, the planning and dreaming, the struggling and the triumphs — there would be no more of that if I walked away.

Talking to people, sharing, existing in the world in a way that I can’t (don’t want to) do in my vanilla life.

Of course I didn’t realize any of this until John Brownstone got me to talk about it. The first few words were a struggle, as they often are, and then they poured out. Every fear. Every worry. And all my hopes and dreams.

Once I said it, there was nothing left to fear. Saying it didn’t make it so, and admitting that I’d hit a brick wall didn’t negate everything I’ve done or everything I want to do.

But I am exhausted and overwhelmed. And yet, also hopeful and (as always) filled with ideas and plans. But today’s plans are more about how to better navigate this weird life I’m trying to build and less about all the things I haven’t done yet.

P.S. Yes, I know everyone goes through this and yes, I know, I’ll be fine.

Welcome to Masturbation Monday. I’m genuinely sorry this wasn’t smutty. We had sex this weekend, in a haze of cough medicine and prescription-strength Flonase so still not very sexy but still sex-ish. For the actual sexy stuff, you know where to go.

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About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, an opinionated marketer, and speaker. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

16 Comments

  • So glad you and John talked about it and worked things out for you!! It would be a sad sad day you call it quits! No can do woman! ๐Ÿ˜‰
    You would be missed waayyyy too much. You are amazing and so great!
    Love you! ๐Ÿ™‚ ((HUGS))
    Kat xx

    • Like I told JB, I would probably quit just long enough to get fully rested and then the ideas would hit me — as they always do. So it’s probably not possible for me to ever completely quit, lol.

  • Anything any of us say you already know. You have a right to feel your feelings. I’m proud of you for finally talking about them and thankful you have someone you trust enough with your fears that you can face them. I will say this… I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you. I wouldn’t have followed the dream I have had. I wouldn’t have survived my break up with out either of you, answering my questions and checking on me and promising me I would be ok. You give hope and inspiration. I appreciate you and John Brownstown very much. Whatever time you need, whatever any of us can do we are here. And if you decide to scale back that’s ok too. You take care of you in all ways necessary. Love ya!

    • Thank you, and I am so glad that I could help in any way. Funnily enough, the scaling back isn’t in the creative process (although I’m still not allowed to implement any new ideas, lol). But there is scaling. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • I was actually thinking about you today. Thinking about how thin you spread yourself for the sake of … what? I dont want you to take this wrong in any sense of the word, but… yep theres that BUT… I love your writings the glimpses into your world with JB., but its lacking everywhere. When I first started reading your blog, I looked so forward to it every day. It was that everyday in June? I think. And it was very good and so telling and insightful. Then you started expanding to other ventures, still writing books, Patreon, the blogs, podcasts, recordings and so on. And everything suffered. I missed your writings. I missed that intimacy with you as a blogger. Now this. Don’t quit Kayla. But you do need to reign it in a bit. Maybe just do your blog really well, every other day. Do your weekly podcasts, love that with you and JB, every other week perhaps. Always continue writing of course, we are writers it’s just in you. But do that stuff WELL, thoroughly and drop the other stuff because right now there is so much you’re doing and you’re overwhelming yourself and … everything is suffering. Pick a couple of things and do them well. You cant do it all, no matter how you try. You are only one person with only 24 hours a day, just like the rest of us. There is only so much you can accomplish. You have a family a life and outside interests as well as your writings. You owe it to all of those areas to slow down a bit, I know its hard for you, you can do it. Have you asked John what he would like you to do?
    Just some thoughts
    ShaunaMarie

    • So…I know this comment came from a kind place, and an an honest one. And as someone who worries about living in a bubble or not seeing the forest for the trees, I hesitated at my initial reaction, wondering if you’re right.

      But I think you’re missing very important pieces of the puzzle.

      Loving BDSM has existed since 2015. Masturbation Monday since 2013. Smutlancer since 2017. The June blog posts from this year were a fun little thing I did this year, to see if I could. (And yes, it’s my absolute favorite kind of writing.) Yes, the other projects/sites have morphed and changed over the years, grown as my goals have grown. And yes, they take up a lot of time and energy, but I’ve also tried to be responsible, and lean on my relationship (especially since he’s the one in charge). So while you might not realize it, scaling back HAS occurred. That’s why there are only weekly blog posts on this particular site, so I can give my focus and attention to the other things I do. And in those places, I hope I’m creating connections and building an audience. I recognize that this site has suffered for it, and I wish I could give it more time because it’s my baby. But in full recognition of the scale of what I’m trying to do, this was the sacrifice I chose to make. Knowing that I’ll come back here again, when I can, that it will be here no matter what else happens, (hopefully) once I reach my personal goals — which go far beyond this particular site.

      I hope I don’t come across as upset, because I’m not. But the suggestions you’ve made — talking to JB and getting his opinion, scaling back, etc — already done. He supports me in this, and as the one person on the planet I trust to save me from myself (and someone needs to), if he’s okay, then I must be okay.

      So while I recognize that the intimate blog content in this space has suffered, I truly hope that I’m slowly accomplishing the goal of building a voice and an audience in different ways in different spaces.

      And believe me, I know I can’t do it all. I’m not even trying…because frankly, if you could see all the things I *want* to do, you’d wonder about my sanity.

      Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I truly appreciate it.

  • aww big hugs. In so many ways this resonates. Although my only option other than writing is fighting to get on disability. I’m maybe 200-ish words from the day’s par for Nanowrimo, but I can’t bring myself to write. Our roommate continues to make my every day difficult with his very presence- with his complete incomprehension of boundaries, he triggers my c-PTSD and makes me feel unsafe. But I’m fresh from my own blog, reading comments, and Posy Churchgate managed another wonderful, affirming comment; heh, I almost think I should add some of her comments for my daily affirmations sound file ๐Ÿ˜€ . I’m glad you were able to open up to John Brownstone; sadly for Shaman, His stress is so much that there’s little left for me and roommate’s money still means more than my feelings of safety ๐Ÿ™

  • I was floundering for something to say here. Iโ€™ve been with you for a long time and have seen where youโ€™ve come from. To see you go would be hard. I get your feelings though and Iโ€™m glad you were able to talk it out with JB. Iโ€™m glad you have him to keep you grounded. Hugs to you.

    • ((HUGS)) I don’t think I’d ever go very far if I did quit. But that little blip helped me think long and hard (hehe) about what I want in life. And I know that I’d regret it forever if I didn’t push forward to do whatever it is that I’m trying to do.

  • Bless you Kayla, I 100% identify with this post and I only do about 1% of what you do, but I completely understand how you can get to this place. I actually have a ‘what if’ plan in place for if I decided to quit the blog and podcast, not because I think it’s in my future to do so, but because not doing them would leave odd holes in my life and I need to know that I can exist without them, but that I choose to exist with them because they mean so much to me and not because I’m in a cycle of HAVING to do them, if that makes sense.

    You create fabulous and valuable content Kayla, and you are an inspiration to me as both a fellow content creator and a wonderful human being. As such I’m happy to support and share your ongoing endeavours, but equally, I’d still be in your corner if you decided enough was enough, BUT I am very glad that this isn’t the day for that xxx

    • That is a brilliant idea. This was the first time I ever really let myself imagine what it might be like to NOT do these things, and you’re right, there would be big holes left behind. And it’s definitely important to know this difference between choosing to do this and having to do it. I think that’s where my head got messed up. It started feeling like a “have to” instead of a “choose to” but I think I’m back on track. ๐Ÿ™‚

      And thank you for your words and your support. It matters more than you know. ((HUGS))

  • I have too Kayla, and I only โ€˜dabbleโ€™ really compared to the really inspirational commitment from others in the blogging community, including yourself. I value what you write and how encouraging and welcoming you have always been to me as a new blogger. I hope you can strike a balance and keep moving in the direction that works for you, or as much of you as possible.

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