Sex Toy Reviews

Zumio Review: Brought to the Edge

picture of unboxed toy for zumio review

The Zumio (received in exchange for an honest review) sat on my dresser, silently judging me for several months. I received it just after Eroticon and am only now telling you about it which gives me all the guilty feelings.

Part of the reason, though, is because Zumio intimidated the fuck out of me. A teeny-tiny swirling (not vibrating) tip that packs a punch made my clit want to go into hiding. I was convinced there was no way this would work for me. But after speaking to a rep during Eroticon, who gave me tips on how to play with it, I was willing to try.

I charged it two days before I used it. Never before has a sex toy intimidated me quite this much. It’s beautiful but a little overwhelming, too.

When I finally got naked and decided this was the moment, I was tentative with myself. The tip is so small, the circular motion so powerful, and my clitoris so fucking sensitive. But I remembered the advice.

“Avoid direct stimulation. Touch other parts of your vulva. Stimulate your clitoral hood. Try other body parts like your nipples.”

So that’s what I did.

And I found the spot. Laying the long, thin edge (the part that connects the wildly swirling tip with the rest) against my clitoris and pressing down felt damn fucking good. My toes curled, and my cunt clenched.

This could…be…okay, so maybe this…would…be…okay this is the…maybe now…??

Multiple times I thought I was about to orgasm. A few times I felt strong muscle spasms through my body. But none of the relief of a climax. Whatever I felt might be the definition of anti-climactic. There was the build, the need seeping through every pore, the top of the crescendo just before the crash….

Then nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.


I tried again, from different angles, on different settings, in different spots.

Nope. It was over and not to be.

I’ve never been one to get emotionally attached to a sex toy review, but damn it. I really wanted this one to work for me. It’s PURPLE, for crying out loud. But no.

The Zumio built up a need but didn’t deliver. The ache between my thighs was unbearable.

I started grabbing other sex toys — the Pink B.O.B., my Queen Bee, even some cheap vibrators I hadn’t filed away (put in a box under the bed to be forgotten). Either they didn’t work (looking at you cheap vibes) or the batteries ran out just as things started getting good. Waaaaahhhhhh!

Thankfully, John Brownstone swooped in to save the day. A few quick touches and all of the heat he brings to every encounter, and I felt much better.

Zumio Review

Kayla holding the ZumioThe Zumio is an intriguing and extremely powerful sex toy. It’s not technically a vibrator, although there is definite buzzing going on. The tip is the stimulator, and it actually moves in quick circular motions. It looks small, but turn it on, and you can feel the power in your hand.

If you apply zero pressure when putting it against your body, it’s a very tingly, buzzy sensation. When you press down, it becomes a deeper vibration that sinks into your muscles. I enjoyed the latter more than the former, but was disappointed that it made me feel good but wasn’t enough to get me off. Yes, I know, an orgasm shouldn’t be a requirement, but if I’m using a sex toy, that’s my expectation.

We tried stimulating my nipples, his cock and balls, and other bits and pieces. Nothing felt right. I know other people love Zumio, so this is just one of those moments that proves not all toys work for everyone.

What you should know…

  • It’s purple!!!
  • Zumio is rechargeable and it sits in a base to charge. Frankly, from a distance, it looks a bit like a toothbrush without a head.
  • It feels good in my hand.
  • This baby is powerful. You’ll truly be shocked at how much buzz it produces.

It didn’t do anything for me, but that doesn’t mean you might not like it. Learn more about Zumio or find a retailer.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

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