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Have I ever mentioned how much I love forced orgasms? Like…looooooove them. If I wasn’t married to John Brownstone, I’d marry forced orgasms.
Or maybe not.
But some orgasms can’t be forced. Not by him and not by me.
It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that sometimes neither the body nor the mind are willing. Sometimes, nothing about an orgasm sounds enticing.
Ugh, I’ll just get messy.
I really don’t want to smell like sex.
That sounds like effort.
I love you so much, please don’t touch me right now. (Sometimes I’m talking to him and sometimes I mean myself.)
In my experience, my desire or lack thereof for orgasms — forced or otherwise — is all about my mental state. Yes, of course, my physical well-being plays a part. If I’m in physical pain, an orgasm doesn’t sound very appealing but over time I’ve learned that’s less about the pain and more about the emotional energy lost when I hurt.
But it’s my mental health that dictates whether orgasms may be on the menu or not.
Anxiety kicking my ass? I’m like the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland, in a frenzy, terrified I’m late for something, completely unable to stop for even a moment. Certainly not to get myself off.
Depression? Well now I’m Eeyore and wanking requires too much energy and effort. I don’t care about anything and even the act of moving my hand between my legs and wiggling a couple of fingers is more than I can manage.
You’d think I’d squirt all over the place during a manic high (I’m bipolar.) Nope. Too much too do, too many plans, too many lists, and never enough time. This high won’t last forever, and I need to take advantage of the creative flow while I can! (I don’t have a book or Disney character to relate this too…sadly.)
Last week, I was in a rare in-between moment of mental clarity and my sexual energy flowed. Fuck, it practically poured from my cells.
Today? Not so much. I had to face pain over the weekend and anxiety today. And by “face” it, I mean admit that it was kicking my ass and that I couldn’t just ignore it.
What will tomorrow bring? Who the hell knows?
What I’ve learned in all of this is to appreciate my sexual and orgasmic energy when it arrives and give it space to burn through my body. And to worry a little less about the times when I can’t.
Welcome to Masturbation Monday! Unfortunately, there’s very little masturbation, orgasms, or sex right now, so…yeah, this is what I’ve got. But if you’re looking for something that makes you want to touch yourself, you know where to go!
I know that feeling when u so want to cum and you are turned on but either your mental or physical tiredness wont let it happen – and yes when one is in “the zone” – go go go 😉
Now I’m imagining my libido as air traffic control or a military operation. When arousal is detected, it’s “Go, go, go!” 😉
I love that you share so much of yourself. It definitely helps me share more of myself. Love you. XoXo
Awww, thank you. Sometimes I worry I’m oversharing and then I remember a few things…1) this is my space to overshare ALL the details; 2) someone will almost always related; and 3) someone will realize it’s okay if they overshare a bit more because I did it. 😀
Yes, cycles—and not just the menstrual one—are unavoidable waves women have to ride out to reach our sexual potential. Life, parenthood, work, health issues—they all vie for what remains of our energy reserves. Good for your for recognizing that the tide does come back in…eventually. Haha! Thanks for sharing.
Eventually is right, but as long as it keeps coming back in, I’m good. 🙂
Your honesty is refreshing, it’s brave and inspiring. Thank you for sharing. White rabbit and Eeyore are perfect descriptions!
Thank you!
I have a partner who is hypersexual when he’s manic — forget the White Rabbit’ing; bring on the Fuck-Like-Rabbits’ing. A former blog friend with bipolar is much the same. Interesting that your sexual energy is more active between stages.
Oh, and Eeyore? Yep, I’ve been on the receiving end of that particular characterization with my S.O. so I can relate! 🙂
I’ve heard about that kind of hypersexuality during mania…and while I don’t wish the manic/depressive swings on anyone, I might be a bit jealous. When I come out of my mania, all I’m left with are a bunch of to-do lists, and not a single orgasm or memory of kinky fuckery, lol.
I get you though, I can think myself out of an orgasm with ease. Or overthink it so much it’s impossible to come. That’s always been a problem for me.
I do hope you find a bit more balance, physically and emotionally
It’s a step by step, day by day (or orgasm by orgasm, lol) kind of thing. I’m in the ebb and hopefully I’ll soon be in the flow.