I have been overwrought and overwhelmed today. I have cried and I have been angry. I have mentally stomped my feet and pouted.

Last night was more powerful than I could have anticipated. I think I am surviving some sort of bastardized non-sub drop. And I am alone.

I miss the woman who walked around with a secret smile. I miss the woman who watched men watching her. I miss the woman who was confident in the love of a good man.

In those darker moments, I wonder what’s wrong with me. Why is it so hard to be loved for more than a fleeting moment? I wonder if I am too much, if I need too much or if I offer too much.

And then I remember that I’m not in this situation because of me, but because of tragedies and stresses that have nothing to do with me. But then I become angry. Is my love so easy to attain and assured that when life gets hard, it’s easy to set my love to the side? Or do I just demand too much?

Then I worry again. Is he ok? Is he coping well? Is he sleeping? Does he eat enough? Does anyone ever tell him that they love him? That he’s a good man? That it won’t always be this way?

Then I crumble again. Because there was a time when someone worried for me and its gone.

Then I feel selfish. How dare I feel this way when it is so much worse on the other side?

I need and want something I can’t have. I question my own value. I want to cry but that solves nothing. I want to sleep but that’s not an option. I want answers to the unknown and that’s not possible.

I want what I had and in my lowest moments, I wonder if it was ever real or if I made it all up in my mind.

God, I hate dropping, sub or otherwise.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I should not click like, if there was an option I would click “hug” or “send love” or “make him call her”

    It’s a sad day, it feels, for many (myself included). Yes I should be happy. I am sending love your way, sweet loving woman. You deserve a wonderful man!

  • Kayla speaks for night owl, in so many ways. You say so many of the things that live in my mind that i don’t dare say for fear of making them concrete and then having to face them. The simple question of “what’s wrong with me that i am alone.

    Then i have to question that thought. Then i remember that i chose to be alone, that i could still be ensconced in the illusion that was my marriage, still closing my eyes in bed and pretending to be in someone else’s arms.

    I am not trying at all to be preachy. Just working through my own pain and loneliness. My mind forces me to say, “yeah, but….” even when i want to wallow in my “bah, humbug”. It has ever been so.

    • I understand completely. Tomorrow I will have my tough exterior back in place. I’m still reeling from an unexpected experience last night and I’m unable to contain my emotions.

      Tomorrow will be better…for both of us.

  • You speak everything I feel.you put into words everything I can’t explain myself.your banging around in my head I swear.

  • The previous post was very powerful. What you went through sounded very intense, physically and mentally. It is not really surprising to me that you feel an effect the day after; surprising if you did not. This is an unknown path for you, please tread slowly and be safe.
    You may feel alone, but all of us that follow you are on your side, hurting for you, hoping for you. Some have been there already.

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