I have been overwrought and overwhelmed today. I have cried and I have been angry. I have mentally stomped my feet and pouted.
Last night was more powerful than I could have anticipated. I think I am surviving some sort of bastardized non-sub drop. And I am alone.
I miss the woman who walked around with a secret smile. I miss the woman who watched men watching her. I miss the woman who was confident in the love of a good man.
In those darker moments, I wonder what’s wrong with me. Why is it so hard to be loved for more than a fleeting moment? I wonder if I am too much, if I need too much or if I offer too much.
And then I remember that I’m not in this situation because of me, but because of tragedies and stresses that have nothing to do with me. But then I become angry. Is my love so easy to attain and assured that when life gets hard, it’s easy to set my love to the side? Or do I just demand too much?
Then I worry again. Is he ok? Is he coping well? Is he sleeping? Does he eat enough? Does anyone ever tell him that they love him? That he’s a good man? That it won’t always be this way?
Then I crumble again. Because there was a time when someone worried for me and its gone.
Then I feel selfish. How dare I feel this way when it is so much worse on the other side?
I need and want something I can’t have. I question my own value. I want to cry but that solves nothing. I want to sleep but that’s not an option. I want answers to the unknown and that’s not possible.
I want what I had and in my lowest moments, I wonder if it was ever real or if I made it all up in my mind.
God, I hate dropping, sub or otherwise.