Masturbation Submissive

A Different State

I need a different state of mind, after last night's strange happenings and today's strange drop.

I'm lying in bed, laptop open, glass of wine in one hand, luxuriating in my own nakedness, contemplating what happens next. Who am I that I can make myself cum for two or more hours?

I am a highly sexual, sensual woman. I can make myself cum in so many ways - a flick of the clit, a stroke of the g-spot, the right words whispered in my ear, a strong pinch of a nipple. I can cum for hours upon hours, my own imagination driving my desire and my hand driving the sensations coursing through my body.

If you saw me on the street, you might never guess. Unless you happened to come across me in an unguarded moment when my mind has wandered. Watch my eyes as I daydream about being dragged by my hair across the room, forced face down upon the bed, and spanked until I scream out my safeword. Watch my body as I imagine spreading my legs wide so that my cunt can be used and pounded. Watch me in those moments when I slip into my head and imagine all the erotic, dirty things I want to have done to me. There she is, there is the sexual wanton lurking beneath me.

Seven months ago, I was afraid of my own clit, afraid of my own cum. I was ashamed that I squirted and gushed, scared that I wanted to taste myself. All these months later, I can force my own orgasms. I can make myself cum with or without toys. I know that I am a sexually submissive woman.

I feel like I should revel in my own sexuality more. I feel like I should focus on who I am as a sexual being instead of the broken heart. The broken heart will be resolved one way or another, and nothing but time will decide. I know how I feel. I hope he feels the same. Only time will tell.

In the meantime, I am capable of amazing things. I have a sexual appetite that most women and many men would be shocked by and jealous of. Instead of feeling sad for what's been lost, I can be hopeful for the future and delight in the present. I am in my sexual prime. I probably give off more pheromones than a bitch in heat. There is power in sexuality, and I simply need to find mine.

A different state of mind is what I need - one that is decidedly sexual and erotic.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am an erotic author, sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, and an opinionated marketer. I’m also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!

24 Comments

    • It’s so strange because I feel like I’ve been sexually repressed for years…that I did it to myself…I had to come to WordPress to find people who I could opening discuss sex with…I don’t have a lot of friends in RL, and it’s definitely not something we discuss very openly…if my thoughts can help someone else, that makes me happy…I’m just glad I’m figuring some of this stuff out now instead of later…

      • Well in the end its good to speak about sex because if one just stays cooped up they will never know. I know in a Sex Psychology class for a woman to feel okay with her body she has to know it. Know every inch and detail, before a man could. If a girl does not know what she likes then it is harder to reach the peek because she just wont relax.

        But yea the friend she is like that too…with us she use to be able to speak about it but after her dumb ass stupid EX two years ago really damaged her she just been…down in that department. We as her friends can tell…I am hoping it will.

        • I agree completely…I have become much more relaxed since I figured out my own orgasms…and everything else…

          It takes a little bit of courage to decide to be different than you’ve been…sometimes you just have to close your eyes and jump (er, stroke)…

          • Different meaning?

            I am a very different person yes…What people see is different then what is really beneath the layers. I have a bite yet I wanted a relationship where the guy had a bigger bite. Like I said in an older blog I had guy who was perfect. Would give me the world if I wanted…would agree with every word I said…perfect guy but I am not that perfect girl. I dont want to be agreed with, I dont want to be givin the world even though I would love that. I want to earn it…He was just not for me and I got bored and always went to the “bad boys” but even they were missing something.

            Then I met my boss and it was so wrong yet it felt so right…maybe it was because he had authority that caught my attention…well he is no longer my boss but we are together still. I do for him and only him. And I have never felt that bored feeling with him. Maybe because his voice can send chills down my spine and my heart race. The way he towers over me because of our height. Or the fact that he can out debate me or the fact that he knows how to tolerate my sharp tongue. With one look that can drive me up the wall…Haha sry i so got off topic really bad because I am suppose to be sleeping while he wraps my christmas gift and because I dont wake up early. And I guess when I heard footsteps he came to my mind hahaha

          • LOL…I think everything happens the way it should…even falling for your boss…

            I have total control of every part of my life…in a relationship is the last place I need or want control…so I get it, in my own way…

            There is something about the look they can get in their eyes or the growly sound of their voice, isn’t there? I might tell someone else to kiss my ass, but I’ll get to my knees and say, “Yes Sir” to him. And it’s the most amazing feeling in the world to do it…

          • Haha well so do I but I know I was the talk of the town for a while.I am in college and a mother so I have to have control with a good bit of things. Do I wear the pants in the relationship hmmm I will lie to people and say yes I do.(because most of my girl friends wear the pants in their relationship) But he will tell you no I don’t but he is more to himself when it comes to our relationship unless he can trust that person.

            Well when I was pregnant I got everything I wanted. But I will not lie I am a spoiled rotten to him. But yea I agree some guys can have that look and tone of voice. He can make me speechless 99% of the time. That one percent is if we are talking about country music hahaha.

            Some how I ended up calling him Daddy I have no idea how. I think maybe because of our baby but idk. It just clicked. He use to call me Baby girl until he realized a few guys call me that. (Idk why they just do..that or Bambi..or barbie) well he has a nickname for me but thats a secret.

          • It’s good to have secrets…lol

            With my “him,” I never told anyone about the D/s aspect, of course, but I always described him as an alpha-male…and ultimately, for people who knew me well, it became clear I was happy to do whatever he wanted me to do…that I let him be in charge…that shocked the hell out of a few people, lol…

  • i am hoarding an orgasm that Sir S gave me this morning. After reading this and your post from 7 months ago, i am highly tempted to use it. 😉

  • hope you will get over with your sad love, glad to hear that you enjoy your own sexuality, keep it this way, give yourself the right to have and enjoy orgasm with and/or without someone else! orgasm is good for health!

  • You sound like a different woman! I am so pleased you can see outside the darkness you have carried for these past few months.
    “…many men would be shocked by and jealous of…”. Or just downright scared of you!
    You sound like you have flowered in the early winter sun and found yourself. Take it gently with these new powers, with this new woman.
    And tell us how good it is for you, highs and lows both.

    • I don’t want them to be scared of me, but I do..only the men who have the potential to be worthy of my affection won’t be scared…cautious maybe (which is never a bad thing) but not scared…

      I will tread lightly with this new me…it may be nothing more than a change in my state of mind…but if that helps me navigate this new world, I’m ok with that…

      I am addicted to sharing my innermost thoughts in this space…how can I not share the highs and lows?

  • life begins when we free ourselves from the rules of convention. When we accept ourselves for the sexual beings we are, and when we begin to revel in it. I shut down my desires for many years because of childhood trauma. But i have stopped that foolishness and taken a deep lush breath into the sensuality of my soul. True i have moments of self doubt. But i am a passionate woman who enjoys the arousal,, the deep plunge into sexual oblivion. The hit of my cervix by one hard well placed thrust. the tidal wave of explosions that happen at that moment of orgasm. And the ebb and flow of my creamy wetness that never seems to dry. I said from the beginning i had found my sister soul mate in you and with every page you write i know that i was not wrong. We great who we are with open arms even if there is no one there to share it with. Until our Masters return to clain our flesh as they have already claimed our souls.

    • Oh, and he does have my soul…but I cannot dwell on that…if I do, I sink down into the abyss again…

      I will revel in my burgeoning sexual powers, walking around with my secret, making observant people wonder about me, knowing that I can tap into my sexual self in seconds…simply because she’s always there with me, anyway…

      I see myself doing a lot of that alone…and while there will be times when it’s hard, I think if I concentrate on the lushness of it, the excitement of it, and the newness, I will be ok…

  • Honey I am with you. I know I am finally awake. It took me 44 years to get to this point in my life. I can’t regret where I’ve been. I can only move forward and know that I am a sexual being as you are. I will keep learning. Keep doing. Keep going.

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