This week’s Loving BDSM podcast was taken straight out of real life. Okay, so when don’t I do that? Rarely, I know. John Brownstone and I have practiced a certain amount of financial control ever since we moved in together last year. He pays the bills and gets final say-so over all major financial decisions.
But I’ve wanted more than that, and as someone who can’t find any balance – even with her money (hello, I’ll either binge shop – rarely, but it’s happened in the past – or I never spend a penny on myself, keeping things until they fall apart) – I needed him to take a different kind of control. And finally it happened.
I’m on a weekly allowance, and I. Love. It! Okay, so maybe I won’t love it when I run out of cash and I want something sparkly, and it’s on sale, and I have a coupon that’s about to expire but I have to wait three days to get paid. Yeah, that might suck.
Financial control isn’t for every D/s relationship. It definitely requires trust – from all sides. And before anyone clutches their pearls and starts lecturing, I still have full access to every dime – I simply choose not to do anything with it unless I need to. Ya know, gas, groceries, when he hands me the check at the restaurant, stuff like that.
Anyway, the change in how we handle money – and how I feel about it – spawned a podcast episode (as usual). If you’ve been considering financial control or if you’re just morbidly curious how it works for us, here’s just one perspective on it.
From the show…
- Kayla got her first allowance and squeed like the babygirl she is.
- After 18 months, this step in financial control was a good thing.
- John Brownstone has had financial control in their relationship from the beginning.
- Kayla still has access to their joint accounts and maintains her own separate accounts.
- John Brownstone pays the bills, makes the financial decisions (with her input), and controls the money.
- From a paranoia born from a bad marriage, Kayla was afraid to be a financial burden so never spent a penny without full permission.
- This self-imposed restriction lead to resentment, fear, and envy.
- The situation came to a head over Chinese food and cigars.
- The weekly allowance was born.
- The structure of an allowance gives Kayla a sense of freedom.
- Anyone considering financial control should proceed carefully and slowly. Communication and trust are absolute musts.
Have you ever noticed that all my bullet points are in the third person? Weird, right? No, I don’t think I’m the queen of anything – it’s just that this goes out to so many places who may never come to the Kayla Lords site so…there I am, talking about myself like I’m royalty. Freaky.
Oh! Don’t forget, if you go to the episode page (click the button at the end), you can access a full transcript – in case you can’t listen but still want the info.
Listen to the show…
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I like the thought of an allowance. Yet I handle all of the bills still. I have done it our entire marriage and he is finally taking interest in knowing what is going on but he still has no desire to take it over. In the beginning of this it was the one thing that really gave me panic at the thought of handing over. Now it is something i hope maybe one day he will. I don’t want to overwhelm him and I don’t do it to be done with responsibility but I long more and more to feel his oversight in everything.
If he’s willing, maybe you can make a gradual transition. None of the big changes SSir and I make happen over night. They have all taken a lot of time but that’s a good thing. It means we haven’t been hasty or rash.