I find it quite fitting, after several conversations John Brownstone and I have had recently, and a change or two we’ve allowed, that this week’s Wicked Wednesday post is about monogamy.
I’ve always considered myself a total monogamist. I don’t share. I don’t look elsewhere outside of my relationship. I’m a jealous bitch who can’t handle someone else touching or knowing what’s “mine.”
And, as with many things I’ve thought most of my life, I seem to be completely wrong.
I tease Daddy that if another woman looks at him, I’ll “cut a bitch.” And, I might. But probably not – especially if she’s looking at me, too.
But I’ve never said the same thing about a man looking at him. In fact, we both eye and ogle good-looking men together.
Standing in the checkout line at the grocery store, I’ll nudge him and nod. He looks, and we both smirk. Yeah, we’d do that guy…and we’d probably break him.
Daddy has certain tastes and desires that don’t fit within our relationship boundaries of a D/s, heterosexual couple. The more I explore, the more I find that I have my own tastes and desires, curiosities more than anything.
It leads to interesting conversations and special allowances. It leads to new and exciting adventures.
It can also lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings if we’re not careful.
Our rule, as we begin the exploration of our less than monogamous selves, is total, brutal honesty. If I can’t tell him about some encounter (sexual or not), I shouldn’t have the encounter. The same is true for him.
A man called my Daddy “Daddy” – in a teasing, playful way. And that’s when I learned that yes, I will “cut a bitch” even if he’s a man. There was my line that can’t be crossed (one of many I’m sure I’ll discover along the way). John Brownstone didn’t like it either, in case you wondered.
Some things are sacred, and they have little to do with sexual organs and kink. Our relationship, shared emotions, trust, communication – those are the things we hold dear.
I trust him down to my bones. I know that he loves me above all others. I can count on him to tell me anything and everything.
He knows I would do (and have done) anything for him. He trusts me to have his back and tell him like it is, even when it’s painful.
We can count on one another in a way neither of us have experienced before. Love, trust, honor – with that, anything is possible.
Right now, “anything” looks a lot like fantasies made real. It’s scary, heady stuff. We’re putting out feelers, having conversations with different people, and exploring on our own. But at the end of the day, we come back to one another.
I believe that if either of us steps over a line and allows even the smallest crack to form in the walls of our foundation, we’ll stop immediately. Our relationship is at the center of everything else we do. Everything, sexual or not. Nothing is allowed to damage us beyond the point of repair, not even tempting sexual deviants who make us crave something different.
So am I monogamist? I don’t think so. Would I be willing to explore a polyamorous life? I don’t know.
But that doesn’t mean we’re not willing to explore, together, the things that make us curious, the things that turn us on, and the people that we can’t stop thinking about. Every new person we meet, new thing we try, and new fantasy we test serves to bring us closer. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters.
I will so interested to see where this journey takes you – I have wondered about whether / how I can do this in a committed relationship. Look forward to reading more – sounds like an exciting stage.
We’re still in the very beginning of our exploration. I’m curious to see what happens as well. 🙂
I’ve always considered myself more on the monogamist side simply because I don’t know about juggling relationships (considering feelings, establishing ties, exploring sex). I tend to struggle with one person… But I know attraction is a strong thing that can expand beyond the boundaries of a single relationship if allowed. I’m definitely curious about how your explorations will go!
We both have agreed that people we allow in our lives should either be friends first or casual encounters simply to experience a moment (a one and done kind of thing). We don’t think we want to or are able to add a third to our own dynamic but I guess anything is possible. We don’t know how it will actually look in the end, as it’s all new to us, but we’re letting our curiosity reign for a little bit. 🙂
I love the idea that it is something to explore together. Something that could bring you even closer.
Will be watching with interest to see how the exploration goes. 🙂
🙂 Thank you. I think it’s easy for anyone in a relationship to forget there are always things to explore, big and small. Right now, we’re in the early stages with no idea of where it will take us but yes, it’s already bringing us closer together. 🙂
I love how you are exploring together, being honest, trusting each other, but that you too have your primary relationship as the most important thing.
Enjoy the exploring 🙂
Thanks. We will. 😀
Yes I do so agree . . . honesty and talking together about everything that excites and interests you is the “key”.
And I have found that the honesty, and talking, often leads to unexpected and wonderfully fulfilling adventures and experiences.
Xxx – K
We’re looking forward to a few adventures, but we’re also good if nothing happens past the initial looking and conversations. Either way, it’s still a fun ride. 🙂
Am so glad that you can talk to each other about your feelings and “kinks” for want of a better word. I have 2 or 3 Doms that I have played with – no penetrative sex but a bit of oral by me on them and them on me. They all know about each other and know that I play with them. Would I be interested in a monogamous relationship there is one that I would consider such a relationship unfortunately circumstances dictate that it is not likely to ever happen. There is another new Dom around that I haven’t played with yet that I would also consider for a monogamous relationship but again circumstances and distance between us will probably prevent that happening as due to work commitments neither of us could relocate. I am ever hopeful that that “special” someone will come along. Having been married I am not sure I would go down that route again though as I have lived on my own for too long but who knows.
You never know what could happen, but it sounds like you’re enjoying yourself in the moment. The best part about all that you said was “they all know about each other” and I think that’s the key. A lot of people play with multiple partners but is everyone honest with one another? Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem so. Who knows what the future will bring for you but keep having fun and getting what you need while it works for you. ((HUGS))
Amazing what you open your minds to when there is trust and honesty! Proceeding slowly is the key. Let friendships develop, the intimacy will be so much more rewarding. Poly is so much more than just sex, just as D/s is so much more than just BDSM. Enjoy!
I agree completely. And like BDSM and D/s, I would imagine poly is whatever you make of it and whatever works best for all parties involved. 🙂
As long as we manage to communicate our feelings and what is going on inside we will be fine. It is just another way of exploring and pushing some boundaries.
I agree. And I’ll keep nudging you to write about your own experiences and thoughts, too. 😀
I loved this reflection, Kayla. It’s fantastic you can talk about it, but also not a bad thing that you don’t quite know where you fall on the matter. I think sometimes that boundary setting/exploration and thought process is in itself incredibly satisfying in that it’s a journey (and life is all about the journey, right?)…even though it’s sometimes scary. 🙂 Great post!
Thanks, Jade. Like everyone else, I’m a complicated person. I need so much from a person in order to be truly intimate and it’s a lot to ask of someone. I know that wherever we take this (if anywhere) it won’t happen over night and it won’t be easy. But if anything comes of it, I’d like to think it will be worth it.
On the other hand, watching SSir explore and experience things that fulfill him is rewarding – and a bit tittilating, as well.
As long as we’re together, I think the process will be better than the end result. 🙂
I think it’s probably easier if you both like the same thing. This won’t ever be an option for us because we’re both very much straight, much to his dismay. There will be no oggling ladies together. Even if I weren’t demisexual and monogamous, I’m not into the lady bits and he wants no part of another male involved with me or him.
As a fellow demisexual, I feel you. It’s what makes this so hard for me – in order to get from the thinking to the potential action, a lot has to happen (internally and externally) – and it all takes time. But we’re discussing and thinking and looking. We may come out of this with very different needs fulfilled or we may realize that we’d rather it be just the two of us. Either way, it’s a fun ride. 🙂
Kayla, you and I spent some time together a little over a year ago, and I remember telling you of my upcoming plans with my dear friend Peep. I was scared, and unsure. Sir was supportive and wanted me to explore. I have not for a single second ever regretted that time exploring that side of myself. The love I have for her is real, and it’s solid. Trust me an open mind, and an open heart can be filled with much joy and happiness.
You and Peep inspire me…and make me want something of my own, different but similar. I believe the heart has plenty of room for love and I’d like to fill mine up a little more. 🙂
I will read with interest as this develops . I love it’s an exploration that is for both and that allowing the step outside can be seen to bring more to the relationship.
I don’t think either of us would be able to move forward down this path if we weren’t both interested in it. And whatever happens, I think it will help us grow stronger. 🙂
I can’t see myself being poly, other than not having the time for another relationship I’m a jealous bitch which I really hate. Right now we’re enjoying exploring with each other but who knows what changes will happen as our relationship matures.
I think that’s the best way to look at it. You never know what might happen over the course of your relationship – and that’s part of the fun. 🙂
It’s a great journey to travel together. The few times I’ve traveled down non-monogamy, communication and trust have always been crucial in my relationships, even if it’s painful.
That’s it…”even if it’s painful” – and unfortunately, sometimes it is, but it’s better than staying silent.