10 Signs You’re Confused About How Submission Really Works

It’s easy to believe that the only people who are completely confused about how Dominance and submission (D/s) and BDSM work are the wannabe Dominants. It would be unfair of me to say that the only problem lies with those who want to be in charge. There are plenty of submissives out there who get it wrong, too. After my own recent experience with this and a few conversations with others who have gone through the same thing, I thought it might be time for a little tough love for people claiming to be submissive looking for a long-term relationship and seem to be getting it all wrong.

To be fair, I’m not referring to submissives who meet the wrong person or believe the lies. That happens with any type of relationship, vanilla or kinky – and it can happen to Dominants, too. No, today, let’s discuss how other types of submissives are getting it wrong.

1. Don’t offer your submission before you know their real name. I mean, really? I shouldn’t have to say this, but it seems necessary in a world of online-only kink and online profiles. You’re willing to let someone control your orgasms, the food you eat, and when you go to bed, but you don’t know their real name? Think about that for a second.
2. Don’t offer to submit through the comments of a blog, on a Facebook profile, or anything that involves some online public forum – as a replacement to an actual private conversation about it. Also, don’t randomly cast out a wide net of submission to see who bites. Note: This happened to me of all people, as a comment on a post I wrote about the tasks I have as a submissive. No, I didn’t approve that comment or respond but I did have a good belly laugh over it.
3. Think long and hard about why you only want to submit to married or otherwise unavailable Dominants. I have definite opinions on married people taking D/s partners without knowledge and consent from their spouses but that’s a post for another day. But if you seek out or seem to “attract” married Dominants who can never give you a full commitment, I challenge you to think about why that may be.
4. Build your relationship the same way you would in the vanilla world first. Get to know your potential Dominant. Let them get to know you. The D/s might be an inherent part of your personality, preferences, and physical, emotional, and mental well-being, but you’re both people first. You should know who they are, what they do, and hell, even their favorite color.
5. Don’t be surprised when you don’t always get your own way. If you’ve discussed, negotiated, and consented to a relationship where your Dominant has the power and control, you’re going to hear, “No” from time to time. This is part of the D/s package. Don’t cry foul when you don’t get your way. You don’t come across as a submissive when you do it – just a spoiled brat. Note: If you’ve got a real problem with something or it violates a hard limit, have a discussion with your Dominant – in a calm manner – and renegotiate. Also if being a brat is part of your power exchange, go for it!
6. Don’t assume anyone can read your mind. There is no “should know, should think, should anything” in D/s. If you want someone to know how you’re feeling, what you need, or what you hate, you have an obligation and a responsibility to speak up.
7. Don’t think this is all about you. I know many of us say that submissives have the real control because we can withdraw consent at any time. And I believe that. But don’t mistake that as an opportunity to think you don’t have to contribute to the relationship, too. The relationship isn’t all about you – just as it isn’t all about your Dominant. It’s a partnership and each side must give in order to receive.
8. Remember that your Dominant has a life outside of you. This kind of goes hand-in-hand with number seven. I’m talking to submissives who freak out when their Dominant doesn’t text back immediately, drop everything to talk to them, and give them attention every moment of the day. Dominants, like submissives, and like everyone else in the world, have responsibilities – to their children, to their families, to their job, to themselves. They shouldn’t ignore you for days on end, but a few hours without a return phone call is rarely a reason to combust.
9. Tell the truth, even if it’s painful. Don’t lie. Don’t lie. Don’t lie. We warn you about Dominants who lie, but I don’t think submissives hear this often enough. This includes everything from white lies to spare feelings to massive untruths to get out of trouble. If you didn’t do the task, own up to it. Yeah, you might have to face consequences for it, but that’s part of being a submissive.
10. Understand the difference between BDSM/kinky sex and D/s. If all you want is a rough tumble in bed or to be tied up and flogged, but you don’t want the responsibility of a relationship, you’re most likely just a bottom. And there’s nothing wrong with that. D/s is how you relate to one another in a relationship. Frankly, D/s requires a lot more work than any intricate Shibari scene or the negotiations for some kinky play in a dungeon with a stranger. If you don’t want that kind of work, no problem. No one’s judging you. But before you go around calling yourself a submissive, make sure you know what it is you’re looking for.

To be fair, some people like to play anonymously online as a “submissive” or “Dominant.” For them it’s pure fantasy. This post isn’t for those people. This list is to give a little tough love for anyone, man or woman, calling themselves a submissive, claiming to be looking for their forever Dominant, and who don’t seem to understand that submission requires work and time. If you’re not willing to put in the effort and just want some kinky play, own it, and be a bottom. But don’t get people’s hearts involved and then cause hurt and pain to people who don’t deserve it.

Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt was to write a “How to” post. Well, I went with a “how-not-to” post instead because this is something that’s been on my mind for a while. It’s not always about poser Dominants, ya know. Some “submissives” are just as clueless. Okay, with that, go forth and read other fun stuff shared for this week’s Wicked Wednesday!

Was this post meaningful and helpful? You might enjoy my website dedicated to BDSM and helping people have better D/s relationships – Loving BDSM – a blog and weekly podcast devoted to helping people find and enjoy healthier D/s relationships and kinky lives. Check it out at https://lovingbdsm.kaylalords.com.