You Will Survive the Pain of Heartbreak #BDSM

I know it’s the season of love, but let’s be realistic. Some people are hating Valentine’s Day right now because their heart has been broken, torn to pieces, and stomped on. And, especially if it’s your first Dominance and submission (D/s) relationship, I know that you believe you’ll never recover because you’ve just exploded into a million little pieces.

So where is all this cheer and happiness coming from today? (I’m a ball of sunshine, aren’t I?) Well, I know of a few people who have recently gone through or are going through what feels like the worst heartbreak of their lives. They’re pretty sure they’ll never love again, never function again, and maybe they should get out of the lifestyle.

I tell them that in time they’ll recover. When they scoff (because everyone scoffs), I tell them, “No really, you will. I’m living proof.”

The First D/s Relationship

To clarify, I’m speaking of people who enter a D/s relationship as a single. I can’t speak from the perspective of finding the BDSM lifestyle while married and dealing with the good or bad of that. But as a single submissive, I have some experience here. First of all, there’s the idea of sub frenzy which I wouldn’t have considered as a thing until I read Peep’s reblog of it several months ago, and it hit the nail on the head. Whoa, do we newbies – married or single – go through that? Hell yeah.

First, let’s realize – and it may take the second or third relationship to see this – that the first D/s relationship could be the result of this submissive frenzy. We’re so eager to submit that when someone says the right words or does all the “right” things, we fall all over ourselves in a rush to love them. Now, I will not diminish your feelings  – or even my past feelings. I have no doubt what you felt was love – love as you knew it at the time or know it now.  But the trend I’m noticing is that the first relationship for BDSM singles new to the lifestyle doesn’t last. (If you break that mold, I am SO happy for you – please share in the comments below!) We have that first (or second or third) relationship attributing god-like status to a Dominant and when they reveal they can’t love us in the same way, we’ll accept less (so much less) if they’ll just stay. The shitty ones keep you hanging. The relatively decent ones cut you free (and no really, this is a good thing).

The Break-Up

My theory is the power of the frenzy makes for poor first relationships. I’m not going to judge whether your Dominant was a good, real one who simply realized it wouldn’t work. Or if you had a wannabe, poser, or fake Dom that dropped you like a hot potato and the only way you found out was because they ignored you for six weeks. In my own situation, Lion (wow it feels weird to even mention him anymore) had some major family issues, and he didn’t want or need the responsibility of a long distance D/s relationship. Was it bullshit? I don’t think so. I choose to believe him. I choose to believe that my gut was right about him and that he was a decent guy.

Sometimes it’s their own issues. Sometimes, if you read my friend Vile’s blog, it’s because they’re married and they can’t handle the pressure or stress of all that cheating and lying. Whatever the reason, the relationship ends, and you’re devastated. I get it. I promise you, I get it. It’s the most soul-crushing, painful feeling imaginable. And you have every right to tell people who try to diminish your pain to “fuck off.”

After my break-up, I lost 15 pounds because I didn’t eat for three weeks. I’d never lost my appetite over a relationship before – ever. I could only drink sweet tea and eat crackers otherwise I wanted to vomit. One of my vanilla besties was so worried for me that she spent every single day with me for a month – thank Gawd. When I bled all over the blog – and believe me, I bled – my online friends rallied around me, supporting me, lifting me up, and encouraging me.

The Aftermath

So here you are. Your heart is in shattered pieces, and you think the pain will never stop. You’re grieving, and I think you should grieve. No matter how short or long the relationship, you need to deal with its death. Mourn the loss. Eat chocolate. Cry. Whatever it is you do, do that. But before you get destructive (or sadly, after you realize you are), reach out to people who love you, care about, or are just randomly nice to you on the internet. Surround yourself with people who don’t view you as The Person Who Got Dumped. (Little secret, none of the best people think that about you.)

For me, I reached out to all kinds of people. I blogged more. Read more. Commented more. I had an I-don’t-give-a-shit-attitude. It made me fearless. I flirted, even though it made my stomach hurt sometimes. I interacted. Of course, I also convinced myself that I was done with relationships for I-didn’t-know-how-long and so it didn’t matter if I talked to four men at the same time (true story) because none of them would get my heart.

But one did. One little email to say thanks for making me laugh turned into multiple emails about random life stuff (I even emailed him on Christmas Eve to celebrate the assemblage of a tricycle – one day after making contact). Those emails turned into text messages and phone calls. And now I live with John Brownstone as his submissive and babygirl.

I don’t tell you all that to give you the platitude that give it a few months and you’ll find someone new. You might. Or you might not. I found him and didn’t realize it. It took weeks and months of convincing for me to meet him. And even then, even after we slow danced in my living room, made kinky love in my bed, and walked on the beach for hours, I still wasn’t sure. I was so afraid of getting hurt again.

That man is the most patient, loving soul I’ve ever known, and he gave me the time and space I needed to come to my own conclusions about us. Now I realize what real love feels like, and I realize why my first D/s relationship could never have lasted. It was a real thing with real feelings, but it wasn’t long-lasting. Unfortunately, there’s no way to see that until you find the real thing.

If I have any wisdom to impart it’s this…

• This isn’t your only shot at a D/s relationship. Love is still out there – whether it’s vanilla or kinky.
• The pain really does recede, and you will recover.
• It’s okay to grieve, to hurt, and to question the next person who seems interested.
• Take your time getting back into the swing of things. Please, God, don’t rush anything, or you’ll probably be back in this state again.
• The right one for you won’t let any reasons or excuses keep them from you. They will work just as hard as you do.

If this is a shitty Valentine’s Day for you, whether you’re D/s or not, know that you are loved, even if it doesn’t feel like it now. You’re stronger than you realize, and you will recover eventually. ((HUGS))