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I’m not what you’d call a balanced person. Well, to put it better, I don’t seem to know what it means to have or find balance in life. Isn’t that the thing we’re all told we should be striving for?
I’m all or nothing. Either life is moving at 100 miles an hour, I’m barely sleeping, and I’m doing All The Things.
Or I come to a complete stop. Usually because someone or something forces me.
For a long time, it was my mental health that drove this clearly imbalanced back and forth. Go all out (mania). Dead stop (depression or anxiety).
This last full stop in mid-stride, damn my plans, was physical. The migraine ripped through my head and brain like fire. And still I continued. Grocery shopping? Check. Emails answered? Check. Rebuilding a goddamn website that makes me wonder why the hell I started this crazy project? Check. Twitter perused? Check.
Until I couldn’t take one step further – physically or metaphorically.
I clamped both hands over my eyes because the light from John Brownstone’s phone was too much. I wondered if I could ask him to breath more quietly because the noise ricocheted around my head too violently. My stomach roiled and rolled as wave after wave of nausea crashed through my body, threatening to suffocate me. He poured me into bed…twice.
The first time only took the edge off the pain, dulling the edges until the fire sat behind my right eye. This was a huge improvement from the night before. The second time, I think I finally hit a genuine deep sleep. The first in a few days. When I woke up, I thoughts hours had passed, maybe the entire day. I wasn’t refreshed – waking up after a migraine always makes me feel hungover – but I felt more human. Hell, I was hungry again which is always a good sign.
I stumbled from one room to the next. I collapsed on the recliner, phone in hand. I felt guilty for doing “so little” for the past 24 hours that I jumped online, made myself useful over at Loving BDSM, and then ignored everyone and everything else.
I don’t know how most people handle enforced rest. Me? I have to find ways to justify it to myself so the guilt doesn’t consume me.
I worked really hard this weekend.
I don’t feel good, and I’m no good to anyone like this.
No one expects me to work 24/7.
Breaks are okay. No, really, they are. Pretend you’ve found “balance.”
When I lay it all out like this, I sound pretty intense. In reality, I’m far worse. And I think my premise was wrong at the top. It’s all still mental. I’m fairly obsessive (diagnosably so). I’m compulsive about the things I consider important. My anxiety is frequently high, especially when the obsessive-compulsive part of my brain takes over. And those things will drive me until they paralyze me.
“I think this migraine was brought on by stress.” I’d buried myself under the blankets, and my voice was muffled, but he heard me.
Two words, dripping with sarcasm, were the realest things about my existence in that moment. I’m an expert in stating the obvious after everyone else has figured it out.
Am I capable of balance? I don’t know. Maybe not. Maybe it’s not how I’m wired. For whatever reason, I keep going until I hit a wall – real or otherwise. The thing I wish I could fix is the all-consuming guilt that comes from trying to find equilibrium again.
If I’m going to go full-tilt and at full-speed until I collapse, the last thing I need is to mentally beat myself up during my recovery. If I could figure out how to balance those two things, I’d be happy. As for the mythical “life/work balance,” well, let’s not get too carried away. I’m on a topsy-turvy seesaw that I need to learn how to ride.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! As you can see, nothing sexy around here. Now that I’m better from the migraine that kicked my ass for two days, maybe we can get back to the kinky fuckery. Until then, go check out the sexy offerings this week.
You have a tendency to fight balance babygirl. Even when I try to help you find it you fight it tooth and nail.
I know…because I have this thing in mind, and I just want to get to the goal. I always tell myself I can rest when I’m done, lol.
This is me! I have absolutely no idea how to relax, if I’m being forced to sit and just watch the TV for an hour I’m also reading or commenting on blog posts too. Having said that I’m in a depression at the moment, I just want to curl up and pretend the world isn’t happening. That also means I’m not getting what I need done so feel guilty about that too.
((((HUGS)))) I am so sorry. I know there’s nothing to say that makes you feel better, but I am sending you love, hugs, and positive thoughts. ((((HUGS))))
I’m not as obsessive as you, but I’ve struggled with the balance thing, too (who hasn’t?).
I’ve learned that it’s about self-love. About learning to tell myself that I HAVE to back off now, I HAVE to sit and read a book or take a bike ride or a walk or play hooky for the day/a few hours and be with my kids. And I HAVE to remind myself that a little down time now means I’m better later.
That’s the trade-off. Take time now in order to be better later. And it was hard at first, but the more I do it, the easier it gets.
Holler if you need any help. I believe you can do it, too.
When the obsessive-compulsive side of me isn’t in charge, I use the same tricks because they definitely work. It’s probably how I’ve managed to last this long between “episodes” – but remembering it when my brain goes off the rails is the new challenge.
This could be me too. I don’t think I can ever find a balance like other people. I never just sit and stare out in front of me. I cannot do that. I am ALWAYS busy, always have something going on. Just like Bee, when watching television, I have my laptop in front of me or my phone in my hand, doing something that needs to be done (in my opinion). When I sleep in over the weekend I keep on telling myself that I deserve it, that I have worked hard etc. but cannot wait to get to things that need to be done… I’m just never done with work.
I feel the same way. The one rule we have (well, that *I* have) is that if I sit down to watch TV with John Brownstone, I have to put everything else down – no phone or laptop. It’s one of the many ways he forces me to take a real break.
Ahhh work/life balance…. how does that work then? To be fair I recently rediscovered it on a beach in Greece and it made me realise I need to give award myself more time off on a regular basis and that as you so rightly say, no one expects me to work 24/7 (apart from me that is)
You *needed* that trip to Greece and I am so happy for you that you got it. Time off is good – if we could only remind ourselves that the to-do list and goals will still be there after our break. 🙂