I’m only writing about this because He became angry at the idea that I might not write at all. I’m consoling myself with my wine as tears stream down my face. I know that on the other end, 450 miles away, He is dealing with this in His own way.
What’s the saying? It’s not a break up, it’s just a break?
I don’t care what the fuck you call it, it hurts.
I don’t care that it makes sense, it hurts.
I don’t care that in the end everything may work out just like a fucking fairy tale, it motherfucking hurts.
He has to get His personal life in order. He has to work through things that only He can deal with. He feels like He’s a disappointment as a man and as my Sir because He can’t be what He feels He is supposed to be. And instead of giving me “less than I deserve” (His words, NOT mine), He’d rather step back a bit until He can be what I’m supposed to need.
I just need Him. That’s all, nothing else.
I don’t have to like it to respect it. I don’t have to like it to accept it.
For the record, I fucking hate it, even though I fucking saw it coming.
My heart’s in a million pieces right now. So is His. He loves me. I know He does because I felt the truth of it in His voice tonight. I don’t have enough faith in myself as a woman to believe that in a month, three months, whatever, He’ll still feel as strongly. However, I cannot imagine loving Him any less.
Theo, I know how you feel now, and I wish to God I didn’t. I wish I could sit in a stupor and lose myself somewhere until this passes…if this passes. What if this doesn’t pass?
The tears come in gulping sobs. I can’t breathe, I can’t see. I don’t care. I want the pain to stop. I want Him to be mine again. I want to be the ‘s’ to His ‘D,’ I want to be the love of His life. I want what I can’t have right now, and I have to reach down very deep and find some kernel of hope that it might be okay – one day.
I meant it when I said this and this and everything else I’ve ever said about how I feel. I have no doubt about how I feel, how I will continue to feel.
I can’t imagine being worth someone waiting for. I anticipate the ties becoming looser, His memories of me losing focus, the feelings fading with time and distance. He’s an amazing man and any sane woman will recognize that and want that. Who could blame her? If she exists, I fucking hate her already. But I just want Him to be happy, and if during this non-break-up “break,” He finds happiness, that’s what He deserves.
I’m lost right now. I’m a submissive woman without her Sir. He’s there. He says He’ll be in touch. I believe Him. I believe He will try. I just don’t believe in myself enough, which upsets Him, I know. But there it is.
In the beginning, when we finally crossed the threshold from friends to flirtatious, I confessed to Him that I was used to being forgotten. It had happened many times over by people who claimed to care about me. Those insecurities faded because of Him. Most of my insecurities faded because of Him. I can feel them simmering beneath the surface. I won’t let the demons win, but the insecurities are stronger. There’s a lifetime of “proof” that gives them power.
I’m rudderless. What do I do with myself with Him guiding me as Sir? I’m supposed to be ‘pet’ and I don’t think I am anymore. I’m supposed to bend to His will. That’s how this works. I’m supposed to find freedom in submission. There are too many choices in this world. Without His guidance, I can’t focus. I can already feel it seeping in. I’m lost.
I’m probably incoherent right now. I’m certainly rambling. This is too fresh. It hurts too much. And I get to spend a few days with family pretending I’m fine. So does He. I’m not fine. And I don’t know when I will be again.
With the holiday and now this, I don’t know when I’ll post again. I don’t want to spend my time repeating over and over again how sad I am. And right now, I can’t even imagine having a sexual fantasy let alone sharing one. I’m here, and I love all of my readers, I really do. For a few days, at least, I need to curl inside myself and learn how to cope with the pain.
Right now, I’m shattered into a million pieces and alone. The worst part of this? So is He.
Kayla Lords! If I were there with you right now, I don’t know if I’d hug you or smack you! Babe, you so underestimate yourself. “Where do I go without him guiding me as my Sir?” Believe me, I understand what a good D can do, but honey, you need to do it for you! Because YOU are worth it! Because you want to be the best you that you can be.
And if he hasn’t taught you that, well, I’ll smack him too!
*hugs and kisses*
I’d take either if it meant I wasn’t sitting in my living room crying by myself…every time I cried harder, He reminded me how amazing I am, that I was amazing before I met Him…but I never felt whole until I found submission…and the fact that it was with Him made it a BDSM fairy tale…I just hurt so much right now…
I’m going to email you. Give me a minute. xoxo
You are amazing!!! Hugs
Thank you. That’s what He said, too…
Yes, you were amazing before you met him. You brought more to the table than you realize. Half of that relationship was you, you know, and that half can’t go anywhere. If it is just a “break,” try to use the time to learn how valuable you are, to give yourself the love and respect you deserve, regardless of who may be in your life at the moment. If it’s a “break-up”, then I’d have the same advice — give all the love you have to give, but don’t rely on anyone else to make you feel beautiful,valuable, and awesome. (I know that’s easier said than done, but it is the truth, anyway.) –big hugs, honey.
Thank you. I’m ever hopeful…because I don’t know any other way to be…
Kayla I don’t know you that well much less him but I do hope that what LS&M and Theo have said to you helps. You can’t love anyone if you don’t love yourself first or think that you worthy. Theo said it best…
After the initial shock lessens I do hope you can see what Theo said and try to see how valuable and awesome you are… he doesn’t make you awesome or amazing…you are that on your own.
Kayla, I can’t imagine what you are going through right now, the pain of it all is heavy to bear. I wish there was something I could say,but what I do know is that all submissive woman have an incredible strength deep inside and you have that as well. It may be hard to see at the moment, but you do. I know you can find it.
I’m finding it…slowly…
I feel your pain. Your rawness. And you have me thinking. I’m not sure what is worse… a clean break where you know you will eventually have to move on, or a break that may or may not have the happy ending you want. Either way you are suffering and I’m so so so sorry. I wrote this for Hy a while back when she was in a dark period. I’m linking to it here in the hopes it can give you some comfort too.
Thank you. You write beautifully. A selfish part of me doesn’t want to recover from my grief because it might mean that I’ve moved on, and I don’t want to move on.
That makes perfect sense.
Kayla, I know how you feel. I went through something similar with my, Sir. The only difference is I never thought I would talk to Him again because our relationship was not his primary one and He had to try to focus on that and make it work. I always respected His primary relationship and wanted Him to try to make it work. When it didn’t, I was actually sad for Him, but I am glad I could be there to support Him during His most difficult time.
Things happen for a reason and I know this doesn’t help the hurt, but if it’s meant to be, it will happen for you. The advice given here is right on and I can’t agree more. Believe in yourself and love yourself…you are amazing!
Thank you. And intellectually, I know, you’re right. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. My heart hurts too much right now to care, though…
I get it…I totally do.
Guess what –been there,. . but you have the solid factor that he loves you. . I read your next post and with the sheer force of your will & love on your side, I sense things will Be Better. Hang in!. ♥
(My exDom told me he had a recurrence of cancer — terminal–, ‘Needed Space’ to be with his son. Later learned it was a f— lie!. . While I cried myself sick over his pending death, he was out fucking whatever sub he could use for a night. –a fact, not a guess. So although a different situation, it was the same pain.
I just sense that for you, the ‘I Need Space’ does not automatically translate into- “I’m dumping you but can’t just say it like a man. .’. .
Thank you. And I’m sorry that happened to you. I can’t imagine that level of betrayal.
No, this is genuine space that He needs. And I’ve just got to get myself to a place where I can function while I wait.
I have been offline a few days in the boonies. But I wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.
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