I’m only writing about this because He became angry at the idea that I might not write at all. I’m consoling myself with my wine as tears stream down my face. I know that on the other end, 450 miles away, He is dealing with this in His own way.
What’s the saying? It’s not a break up, it’s just a break?
I don’t care what the fuck you call it, it hurts.
I don’t care that it makes sense, it hurts.
I don’t care that in the end everything may work out just like a fucking fairy tale, it motherfucking hurts.
He has to get His personal life in order. He has to work through things that only He can deal with. He feels like He’s a disappointment as a man and as my Sir because He can’t be what He feels He is supposed to be. And instead of giving me “less than I deserve” (His words, NOT mine), He’d rather step back a bit until He can be what I’m supposed to need.
I just need Him. That’s all, nothing else.
I don’t have to like it to respect it. I don’t have to like it to accept it.
For the record, I fucking hate it, even though I fucking saw it coming.
My heart’s in a million pieces right now. So is His. He loves me. I know He does because I felt the truth of it in His voice tonight. I don’t have enough faith in myself as a woman to believe that in a month, three months, whatever, He’ll still feel as strongly. However, I cannot imagine loving Him any less.
Theo, I know how you feel now, and I wish to God I didn’t. I wish I could sit in a stupor and lose myself somewhere until this passes…if this passes. What if this doesn’t pass?
The tears come in gulping sobs. I can’t breathe, I can’t see. I don’t care. I want the pain to stop. I want Him to be mine again. I want to be the ‘s’ to His ‘D,’ I want to be the love of His life. I want what I can’t have right now, and I have to reach down very deep and find some kernel of hope that it might be okay – one day.
I can’t imagine being worth someone waiting for. I anticipate the ties becoming looser, His memories of me losing focus, the feelings fading with time and distance. He’s an amazing man and any sane woman will recognize that and want that. Who could blame her? If she exists, I fucking hate her already. But I just want Him to be happy, and if during this non-break-up “break,” He finds happiness, that’s what He deserves.
I’m lost right now. I’m a submissive woman without her Sir. He’s there. He says He’ll be in touch. I believe Him. I believe He will try. I just don’t believe in myself enough, which upsets Him, I know. But there it is.
In the beginning, when we finally crossed the threshold from friends to flirtatious, I confessed to Him that I was used to being forgotten. It had happened many times over by people who claimed to care about me. Those insecurities faded because of Him. Most of my insecurities faded because of Him. I can feel them simmering beneath the surface. I won’t let the demons win, but the insecurities are stronger. There’s a lifetime of “proof” that gives them power.
I’m rudderless. What do I do with myself with Him guiding me as Sir? I’m supposed to be ‘pet’ and I don’t think I am anymore. I’m supposed to bend to His will. That’s how this works. I’m supposed to find freedom in submission. There are too many choices in this world. Without His guidance, I can’t focus. I can already feel it seeping in. I’m lost.
I’m probably incoherent right now. I’m certainly rambling. This is too fresh. It hurts too much. And I get to spend a few days with family pretending I’m fine. So does He. I’m not fine. And I don’t know when I will be again.
With the holiday and now this, I don’t know when I’ll post again. I don’t want to spend my time repeating over and over again how sad I am. And right now, I can’t even imagine having a sexual fantasy let alone sharing one. I’m here, and I love all of my readers, I really do. For a few days, at least, I need to curl inside myself and learn how to cope with the pain.
Right now, I’m shattered into a million pieces and alone. The worst part of this? So is He.