I decided to start something new on the blog. I’m not sure how regular it will become – I guess that depends on the people who read it. Every so often, I’m asked questions in private about D/s. More often than not, I see questions on social media pertaining to BDSM and the Dominance and submission lifestyle. I answer every direct question I receive – even when the answer is “I don’t know but here’s who might.” I have had to stop answering questions on social media because I somehow get caught in this loop of never-ending notifications and updates. I ain’t got time for that!
But I also figure if one person is asking a question, then someone else will have a similar question. I don’t claim to have all the answers, and my voice is simply one perspective. If I can give someone reassurance or help them find the right answer, then I call that a good day’s work.
Without any further ado, welcome to my new feature “Asked and Answered.”
Question: My Dom tied me up in a sexual position and left the room to take a shower. Is this safe?
Answer: Some people would say “hell no” – which is how the question came to me, lol. I can’t give a concrete answer of yes or no. My answer?
It depends. Could your Dominant hear you if you called out? Were you in a position to call out or make some noise if you became distressed? How far away were they? Did the position cause the bad kind of pain? Were you truly scared – not just the mindfucked?
Here’s my take on it. If this is a committed partner that you’ve had scenes with for a long time, someone you trust, and they were close by, this is probably safe. As long as they could hear you if you called out or made some noise of distress.
For a brand new partner who hasn’t established trust with you, I’d call this iffy. The same things apply though. You should be able to call out and expect immediate attention. Just be careful. If you have even a small, niggling amount of doubt in your mind, wait for this kind of play until your partner has proven that they can play safe.
Question: I’m going from online to real life in my relationship with my Dominant. We’re going to meet, and he’s coming to visit. Is it safe for him to stay in my home?
Answer: You’re gonna hate me when I say this, because I know what the strict rule-makers and rule-followers of BDSM would say, but again, it depends.
A little confession…I met Lion (my first Dominant) in a hotel room. Granted, that hotel room was as part of a professional conference I was attending, and I could have reached out to any number of people if there had been problems, but it was still a lone hotel room. I met John Brownstone in my home…by myself. Yes, both situations broke all the rules that many submissives are taught about meeting a new Dominant in a public place.
My answer comes with more questions. How long have you known one another? Are there any signs that have made you nervous about the person at any point? If you’re unsure, stay with a public place. If this person is brand new to you and is still learning the basics about you beyond your name, meet in a public place.
I believe in listening to your gut. That comes with caveats. If you believe your gut has lead you wrong in the past, go with the rules of safety first. If you feel pressured to meet in a private location, stay safe and stick with public locations. But if, like me, choose to break all the rules, just let someone know. Ask someone to be your safe call – the person who knows where you are, who you’re with, and will be checking in at a specific time to make sure all is okay. And if your new Dominant doesn’t like it, my recommendation is don’t meet with the asshole at all, but if you do, stick with a public place.
Question: My Daddy, Dominant, Master, pick a title calls me names, makes me feel bad about myself, and yells at me when he/she is mad. Is this okay?
Answer: Unless humiliation is a kink of yours, the answer is HELL NO.
Dominants are human, even though we, as submissives, give them god-like attributions in our minds. They might have a bad day and say something they don’t mean. Maybe. Most good Dominants I know are very measured when they speak to their submissive, even when they’re angry because they understand words have meaning.
I will cut a newer Dominant a little bit of slack and say that maybe they’re still learning the importance of self-control. But even that ends when their behavior becomes a pattern. Name-calling, yelling, and making you feel bad about yourself is a sign of emotional abuse and shouldn’t be tolerated – by anyone, kinky or vanilla.
Question: I think my Dominant is sleeping with other people but they’re lying about it. Does this mean we’re in an open relationship?
Answer: If your Dominant is sleeping with anyone other than you, not telling you about it, and not admitting it, you’re in a relationship with an asshole and a cheater. I’d also question his “Dominant” status, too.
An open relationship, like any other kinky part of life, is about consent. All parties have to know about it and consent to it. If you don’t know about it or consent to it, it’s not an open relationship, and my recommendation is to become single again – and soon.
And, please, PLEASE, do not think you have consent to an open relationship you don’t want simply to make the other person happy. A good, solid relationship is based on what you both want. If you’re not into it, you deserve someone who will respect that.
I guess by making these questions and answers public, I’m saying that I’m open to questions. If you ask me a question, I will answer you directly. If I use your question here on my blog, I will protect your privacy and anonymity. I think we all have something to learn from one another, and this is simply a part of that. Feel free to leave your own perspective on these questions in the comments below – just play nice in the sandbox, y’all.
If you want to ask a question, use that handy-dandy “Contact” button in the menu above.
Great answers, very smart and emotionally sensitive. I would happily refer my curious classmates in Sexuality class to your website.
Also, now that I FINALLY get to see it…..LOVE the purple!
Thank you on both accounts!
Giving “advice” if that’s what I should call it is both easy and hard for me. Easy because I always have an opinion, lol. Hard because I see very little in black and white and a lot of my thoughts are actually just more questions.
That’s a sign that you’d make a brilliant therapist! We live in shades of gray.
I went to school and studied psychology because I’m fascinated by how people’s minds and emotions work, what makes them tick, all that. But I stopped after my BA because I hated the idea of actually working with people I didn’t know.
I care desperately about the people in my life. I’m fascinated by strangers from a distance. And I don’t mind talking to people over the ‘net (where it’s “safe”) but the face to face thing was too much to contemplate. Ah well, I put it to good use in other ways, I guess. 🙂