Time is a strange thing. Sometimes it moves too slow. Sometimes it moves too fast. There’s never enough time, and then there’s too much time.
The majority of April crawled by slower than a snail. I thought the month would never end. Certain decisions took forever. Waiting to hear about this or that was maddening. What was taking so long? Would they ever call? Why did we have to wait???
The last week in April sped by. On Monday we learned we had an address. I blinked and it was Thursday. How did that happen?
From this moment, there’s a month until the move. That’s too long, too much time. The waiting is killing me.
And then, there’s not enough time.
Daddy and I discuss our futures as if there’s no end. We joke about kids in high school (the youngest is only 4). We tease about getting around with canes and walkers. No hesitation. The idea that we will be together until we’re old and gray is assumed. Daddy and I aren’t ready to talk about the formality of our relationship and what it will look like with collars or rings or both. It’s not time for that discussion yet. Knowing that we’ll be together for as long as we can is something that we feel deep in our bones, though.
And then, I think about our ages – his 52 to my 34 – and I worry there isn’t enough time. 30 or 40 years is barely a blip in the grand scheme of things, and it doesn’t feel like enough. I’m envious of the years that came before I met him. I want that time back. I want those years, too. I don’t want to blink and realize 20 years have passed by. I want to savor every second, every moment. I don’t want to waste a moment.
Maybe it’s the depth of my emotions for him, maybe it’s the time we’ve spent apart, maybe it’s a combination – but I don’t want to ever take a day for granted. I want to spend as much time with him as I can. That thought terrifies me. I remember my marriage. I remember desperately needing space and wanting alone time more than I wanted sleep. I assumed that was part of my personality. Maybe it had more to do with a lousy marriage. Will wanting time to myself when Daddy and I are together be an indication of a problem? Will it simply be a normal part of two people in a relationship? I don’t know.
I know time is my friend and my enemy. Every day that passes brings us closer to being together. I also know that every moment is one less that we’ll have together. I’m a greedy little girl. I want as much time as I can get. I want it all. I want forever.
Kayla,
Live every moment within that moment. You need to even cherish this month, this day, this moment, when you are missing the time you want to be with your Daddy.
Remember this moment to pull out and remind yourself of your desire when he forgets the toothpaste cap.
Remember today and your present feelings of longing, to pull out and remind yourself of your loneliness when you feel overwhelmed.
This month will appear insignificant when compared to the forever that is to come, with rings and a collar.
love you!
hugs,
-pp
You’re right. I tell myself that all the time. When real life intervenes and we get stressed out, I must remember this time when I couldn’t bear to be apart from him. 🙂
Thanks, friend. ((HUGS))
You’re correct, miss Kayla, time sucks! When it isn’t what we want, it seems agonizingly slow, and when it’s enjoyable, it’s gone in a second. Reminds me of the time you spent visiting with us in the big city, yes?!
The good news is that so much “fast time” is awaiting you and your Daddy, there will be so much “good” for you and your beautiful boys. Yes, cherish each second, every moment and live without regret and enjoy what you have before you. Don’t wait to do something, explore something, just let yourself go- you’re in very skilled, capable hands- bloglandia is cheering for you both, miss Kayla!
With love-
-Mynx’s Sir (Tom Wolf)
You’re right…the waiting slows time. The experiencing of a good life hastens time. Daddy pointed out last night that we are lot farther away from February and much closer to June. So despite my whinings and musings, time continues to move. 🙂
Kayla, one thing I have learned in my life is to relax and enjoy the moment. Not one of us can tell what the future holds, so enjoy the present. Wanting forever is what it means to be in love. You have been blessed with a special gift for you and your children. Love life to the fullest and never look back. I have been following your story and look forward to reading about your move, your relationship and hour happiness.
I’m still learning how to relax (at all) and enjoy moments. I’m getting better. 🙂
I’m becoming more and more excited with each day. Life is sweet now – and will be sweeter still in just a few weeks.
I recently read an excellent essay on seizing every moment. Guess what? You can’t. There will be moments, days even, that just plain suck. You’ll be grouchy and bitchy, you’ll want to chew someone’s ear off and spit it out. You may hate yourself afterward and resolve to do better next time. But those moments WILL come. They come to EVERYONE. Who really wants to cherish the moment when your kid just puked on you, you stepped on a Lego on your way to get cleaning supplies, and you bashed the back of your head on the cabinet door left open by your loving, albeit forgetful, partner?
Really.
Oddly enough, you may look back at those moments when you are calmer, saner, happier, and laugh, but in the moment, you will not laugh. You will swear and bitch and moan.
And it will be perfect, because that’s the life you choose, and even when it sucks, you still choose it. Even when you want to run away to Fiji by yourself, you still choose the life you have.
And if you DIDN’T want and crave time by yourself (as will he), I would worry about your mental health, both of yours. Introverts absolutely NEED time alone. Make sure you get it.
And you’re so right. I’ve always rolled my eyes at the sanctimonious people who become offended when a parent complains about the parts of childhood that SUCK. Puke in my hair? I wasn’t cherishing that moment then – and I still shiver when I think about it now.
Yes, some parts of life suck…it’s the promise of the times that don’t suck that I’m counting on. And that was the problem with my marriage. The crap far, FAR outweighed the good times.
It makes me feel better that you say introverts need time alone…we’ll have the excitement of being together (at last) to carry us through for a while, but I’m sure there will come a time when we just want to be alone with our thoughts for a few moments.
Thank you. ((HUGS))
I have these same thoughts but in a different way. I have a 24 year old son who is grown and engaged. I also have a 22 year old nephew we raised who is grown and living his life. Then I have this wonderful miracle of a 13 year old son. The baby. The gift. And just last night I told Mr. HH I wanted life to stand still. I don’t want to miss a second with him. I know exactly how little time I have left because I’ve done this twice before. However, there are days when I feel driven crazy by the need to be alone, away from man-boys and their ridiculousness. It doesn’t lessen my love for him but it does make me feel guilty when I contemplate those minutes later as lost time with him. I know I’ll never be able to capture that moment again and that all too soon, he will follow the older boys into the world.
I also find myself late at night wrapping my body up against my love and worrying that he will die of someone thing terrible and leave me. We’ve had 22 years together. We’ve lived through a terminal cancer scare. I’m never completely at ease that it’s gone. In those moments I think we’ve not had enough time to love enough. I know I could never find another I love this much. I squeeze him. My heart constricts.
So, I’m with you, I worry about forever, and I fret about time, even as it marches forward unrelenting. I look at my baby and I know the future. So this gift is one I cherish every day. Some days I cherish better than others. I look at Mr. HH and I am thankful for the years that have passed since his first tumor and I celebrate the days and moments. And internally, I rage at the ticking clock and just try to cram as many memories into our days a I can. We all have an expiration date. We just may not know when it is.
Hoping you can find moments of pure joy to savor as sweet memories soon. Life is so beautiful when you decide to live it as if today was your last.
((((BIG ASS HUGS))))
I’ve never been a live in the moment kind of girl. I’ve always been the one worrying about what might happen, when is something going to happen, and what if it happens. I’m always thinking 10 steps ahead – which means I’m often missing what’s in front of me.
And I know that’s not the right way to live. I want to live in the moment – I just want the moment I want right now. Guess that’s my little side coming out.
Thank you for the reminder, though. ((HUGS))
Hugging you back. There will be so many everyday moments to capture soon. Grap them from the air and wrap them up tightly. Save evey one. Those boys will be gone in a second and these Legos forgotten. You and SSir will wake up one day and realize they are teens and you are on a new journey. Every step from now forward is an opportunity to live fully. I love getting to see it unfold.
Xoxo
So much wisdom here already, nothing that I could say would add to it. Most of us here have time we want back, time we thought was wasted, the chance to do something different if given that gift. The truth is, you might not have ended up here, on the cusp of having your dreams come true, without the knowledge gained by your experiences. They have shaped you, as they have the rest of us, into what we are right now.
Ok, so, yeah, I did have something to add, LOL
Yes you did.
And I agree completely. I’m not who I am today with the experiences of yesterday. I remind Daddy of that about himself too. 🙂
Kayla…. You suddenly will find that time alone to yourself is unimportant to you. When your with your soulmate time apart is something you don’t require or crave. You will probably find that you crave time in his presence all the time. I know I’m happiest when my Sir works from home… At least I know he’s here with me, and I can be busy doing other things, but he is within reaching distance.
Never look to your failed marriage for a comparison, because it will only make you realize the wasted years you can’t get back. Probably the only good that came from it was two wonderful children that you love & adore! Your life with Southern Sir will be such an adventure, and so fulfilling that you will want to freeze time…. Trust me!
This last month will probably fly for you, as you will have so much to get done for your move. We all are sooooooo very excited and happy for you both. You deserve to finally be together, and begin your forever journey!
Much love and Hugs friend! Miss you!
Mynx
((HUGS)) Thank you.
I have to admit when he’s been here before, I’ve hated it when he went to bed before me or when I was downstairs while he was upstairs. That may subside over time, but it was a strange feeling to always want to be in someone’s presence. I like it, though.
I’m definitely ready for the forever journey. 🙂