Masturbation Monday

The First Time #MasturbationMonday

In honor of Masturbation Month (yeah, who knew?), I’ve decided to dip back into the archives of my masturbation posts. This is the first post that I ever wrote for my website – when I was still a WordPress site! I think I’ve come (hehehe) a long way since then…

I can’t come.

That’s not completely accurate.  I can’t let go enough to come.  I can’t let the sensations overtake me.  It’s more that I won’t come.  I have control issues.

How does a woman with two children not learn until the age of 32 that she can’t come?  Clearly I’ve had mediocre sex.  I don’t have an answer.  In the past several months, I finally found the man who could keep me satisfied. He said the worst words ever to me one day.

“You can’t let go of your control. It’s a turn off when you pull away,” he said a few days after our last night together.

Mortified, crushed, sad – those emotions hit me like a truck.  I love him with my whole heart.  Sex with him is a life-changing experience – every time.  I could not continue to allow any part of who I am be a turn off to him.

Two days after his revelation, I made up my mind.  I would make myself come.  For the first time in more than 12 years, I would masturbate.

The last time (all those years ago) that I tried to masturbate, I felt nothing…nothing.  Lack of experience with my own body and discomfort with my own natural juices and musky scent contributed to it.

In a few short months, he helped me remember that I am a sexual woman with cravings and needs.  I just needed to get in touch with her.

To say I was nervous was an understatement.

That night, I climbed into bed and pulled the covers up to my chin.

“You can do this, you know,” I thought to myself.  “Just remember, you never want to turn him off again.”

My hand tentatively reached down to touch my panty-clad pussy.  I felt damp heat emanating from my core.  I stroked myself, hesitantly.  My panties rubbed against my clit, and my back arched.

“Yes!” I hissed.

I pushed my panties to the side to expose my pussy.  I was wet.  The moisture excited me.  I lifted my hips and pulled down my wet panties.  I threw the panties to the floor and the covers to the side.

My hand found my wet pussy and began exploring. Fingers stroked lips.  I reveled in my own softness – silky, smooth, slick.  One finger cautiously sank deeper. My hips writhed, legs twisted.  I melted into my hand.

I pulled my finger out and searched for my clit.  My own fluids made the hood slick and decadently soft.  My hips began rocking rhythmically against my middle finger, gliding back and forth.  As the heat began to build, my hips moved faster and faster, creating more and more friction.  My inner thighs ached and trembled.  My free hand clenched the sheets and mattress. My hips and fingers worked faster and faster.  A sheen of sweat covered my body.  My legs opened wider exposing my clit more easily to my curious hand. The overwhelming sensations climbed to an unbearable level – previously my stopping point.

“Keep going, don’t stop,” I whispered through gritted teeth, as need and desire washed over me.

My clit was on fire.  When I thought I couldn’t take anymore, my hips bucked and convulsed.  I shook uncontrollably.  I felt my hot core open and flower.  My fingers were soaked.  Several moments passed before the shaking and bucking stopped.

A quiet calm washed over me.  My scent filled the room.  I smiled as I rolled over and fell into a deep sleep.

May is Masturbation Month

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • Oh my, I can relate on so many levels. I never even had an orgasm until I was 33. It didn’t occur to me it might be an important part of the equation in a relationship, especially with my husband. His mission was to bring me pleasure, yet I held on to some thread of control and maybe even distress at feeling unworthy. Then, not long ago, as I began to submit and let go of control, my mind and body began to connect. There ws no more compartmentalization – I trusted him with my body and just felt him. And the craziest things began to happen with my body. My responses to him reached a a level I hadn’t imagined possible. It just keeps getting better, too.

    Wonderful post, thank you.

    • I understand that very well. Looking back, I think there were too few men in my life who were worthy of my orgasms, but it’s kind of sad that I couldn’t even do it for myself for a long time.

      Now? Ha! No problems at all! 🙂

      I’m glad you found peace and release, too. ((HUGS))

  • As good a post now as it was then!

    The feminist in me is resentful that, in the poster, there is only a representation of the male sexual organ and not the female.

    Unless the green grass is supposed to represent us?

    • I had the same problem with it only being about cock, too, but it was the best I could find at the moment. 🙂

      Green grass to represent feminine sexuality? I was an English minor and a Psych major in college, but even I don’t have enough bullshit in me to come up with that kind of connection. LOL

  • Sigh… don’t hate me if I tell you my first was at maybe 14 or 15? It became a hobby for me 🙂 (surprise!) I’m so, so sorry for you that you had to wait until you were in your 30’s, but wow, so brave of you to blog about it! Now, your Daddy will make sure you have TONS orgasms…. (((HUGS)))

  • My favorite line was “he helped me remember that I am a sexual woman with cravings and needs. I just needed to get in touch with her! ”

    I think that would probably apply to many women that are now in the lifestyle that have come from a once vanilla sex life. I know I was not in touch with my sexual side at all, and often found orgasms to be elusive! But now…. Oh brother watch out! ;D I’m still not into masturbation that much, as I prefer to have the build of anticipation of waiting for my Sirs touch, and also just prefer his sexy hands demanding from me, rather than my boney digits. But oh the O’s do flow now, and it’s all because of an awakening of my inner sexual being!

    Love and Hugs friend….. Mynx

    • ((HUGS))

      In the beginning, masturbation was all I had. But the longer Daddy and I have been together, the less interested I am – unless I just get a craving for release. I’d much prefer him and sadistic mind to give me what I need.

      But being in touch with my sexuality makes me feel sorry for people who aren’t – I think that’s why I blog…to maybe help someone find their way. Does that sound weird?

  • I remember the first time you posted this, I read it and had to touch myself. Reading it again, I want to do the same thing. Oh Kayla, I love your writing. I always will.

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