I had a long drive today. Too much time to think. I thought of all the things I wish I could say to him. I thought of so many little memories of our time together. I don’t want him to have to reject me by ignoring an email – I like to think it makes him feel bad. I don’t think he reads my posts, so I feel like it’s safe to air it here and get it out of my head. I need to function, and if it stays in my head, I’ll dwell.
Do you remember our first tentative conversations? Does that memory make you smile? Do you remember our first misunderstanding? I won’t ask if it makes you smile, but in retrospect, I smile, knowing that, as always, we were victims of poor circumstances only.
Do you remember our first kiss? We were so hungry for one another. I couldn’t tell you one detail about the room, the location. But I remember the feel of you under my hands, on my lips, and the taste of you in my mouth. Do you remember? Do you remember how frantic we were? Do you remember how I grabbed you, forgetting for half a second that you were in charge? Do you smile or does the memory hurt?
When I slept next to you and you decided how to take me in the middle of the night – mouth or cunt – did you think of your love for me or your need or both? Did you think about what I meant to you? Did you ever feel lucky to have me there with all of my willingness, all of my submission? Did you plan what might happen next? Did you watch me sleeping, thinking that I looked peaceful?
Do you ever think of my hands on your back, rubbing and kneading as many cares away as I could? Do you miss it? Did you crave my touch? Did you ever dream about the next time you thought you’d feel me? Did you wish for a time when we could be together like that in the future? Did you have any idea how happy it made me to serve you in such a simple capacity?
Do you remember my punishments? Did I make you proud for being honest and taking my punishment well? Did I just disappoint you?
Did you know that I feel beautiful, now, all these weeks later, simply because you made me believe it? Did you know that I embrace my curves, my imperfections, my very being because you did first? Do you know how much you gave me? The confidence to stand up for myself, the belief that I am lovable and wanted, even though I still have my doubts. Did you know that you did that for me?
Did you ever know that my submission means giving you what you want no matter how much it hurts? That’s why I didn’t fight you harder all those weeks ago. I would give you anything that you asked for, even if it ripped me apart. When I gave you my submission, I submitted so completely that it never occurred to me to fight back and insist you were wrong. Do you think it would have mattered?
Do you know that if you told me tomorrow to never email you again, never blog about you again, never go on Tumblr again, it would rip me apart, but I would do it if that’s what you needed? Do you know how afraid I am that will happen?
Do you remember our time together and smile? Do you remember my little quirks? Do you remember the time you made me talk about my feelings instead of using my keyboard and email? Do you have any idea how hard that was? I was so afraid of misspeaking and not making myself clear. Do you remember how you prodded me, gently but firmly, not letting me wriggle out of your command? Do you remember all those times I talked too much, running over you in my eagerness to get my thought out? Did I annoy you or was it endearing to you? Do you think about it now with any fondness?
Do you still think I put you on a pedestal? You were wrong, you know. I knew your flaws – I loved you in spite of them, despite them, and because of them. They made you who you are. I’m certainly not perfect; I never expected you to be. I loved you anyway. Did you love me the way I love you? That’s probably not a fair question. No one loves the way I do, right?
Do you know you spoiled me for other men? You thought I was crazy when I said I would wait for you. Did you understand why? We are different sides of the same cloth, you and I, did you know that? Where you’re dark, I’m light. Where I’m dark, you’re light. We’re not perfect – there are some rips, tears, and stains that life handed us, but we fit together. Do you have any idea how rare and special a man you are? You do what you think is right even when it’s hard. I tell myself that’s what this was – you doing what you thought was right. I think you were wrong. I think you needed me, but you disagreed. You wanted to spare me something, didn’t you?
Did you know you had my heart the day you said, “My word is my bond.”? I have waited my whole life for a man who said it, meant it, and lived it. Do you know how hard it is to live under that when the bond you’ve made with yourself hurts both of us?
Did you really think that I would turn around and find someone else? Did you really think you were so easily replaced? Do you have any idea how wrong you were? Did you think you were sparing me future pain? Were you trying to spare yourself? Did it work? Are you happy? God, I hope you are.
Do you know what I envision when I think of your life right now? You wake up too early; you work too hard; you come home late and keep working or you stay late and work; you go to bed a second before you collapse from exhaustion. Every once in a while, you see your babies. Even rarer, you see your family. I don’t envision a lot of laughter, a lot of smiles. Do you know how wrong I hope I am?
Do you know I remember the time you told me that because of me your co-workers stopped thinking of you as Eeyore? Do you remember that? I felt so proud, like I finally brought something to our relationship instead of just taking. Do you think I helped you remember to be your lovable, goofy, silly self again? Do you still act silly? Do you still make other people laugh?
Do you bury your feelings in order to cope? Did they melt away as if they never were? Do you remember the day you told me you loved me? Do you remember how scared I was? I remember the way I stopped breathing, knowing I felt the same and terrified it would hurt someday. Do you know that sometimes I don’t like being right?
Do you know I would give anything to know you’re happy and smiling, that life is treating you well, even if I’m not the cause? Do you know that even if some poor man convinces me he’s worthy, I will always love you? Do you know that I want to scream and rage at the idea that I may have to love someone else one day because I’m not the one you want or need? Do you know how much I long to comfort you when you’re sad or angry? Do you know how quickly I would kneel at your feet, in front of everyone, anyone, if that’s what you wanted?
Do you know I would do anything you asked? Do you know I wish I was still your silly ass? Do you know that I’m coping, surviving, and even smiling sometimes? Do you know that I hope you find happiness, because it’s what you deserve? Do you know that I love you? Does it make you happy or does it hurt?
Do you still love me despite all of emotions, all of my grief, all of my silly ways, all of my flaws?