But What About My Needs? #podcast


We don’t get into this D/s thing purely as a selfless act of love or lust. Sure, there might be some of that when you convince your very vanilla partner to smack your ass or pull your hair or tell you to “bend over baby” or whatever. But we keep doing it because we have needs and they’re being met (or we hope they will be).

But what happens when those needs aren’t being met anymore? What do you do? How do you handle it?

After two separate questions were posed about needs – on the opposite ends of the spectrum – I knew this needed to be talked about in detail. Sometimes, your partner can’t give you what you need because life is shitting all over them (I’m thinking of last summer when John Brownstone’s sister died – no, he couldn’t be the same Daddy Dom I needed for a while). Sometimes, your partner refuses, even after much discussion and promises they’ll try, to give you more of what you need. Either way, it can quickly become an issue.

Hopefully our (more than an hour long) discussion on the topic will shed some light for you and give you a few ideas on how to handle it.

And (sigh) no transcript this week. I think once we get the new mic, I might have a good (and FREE!) solution for creating transcripts when we’re both together on the show.

From the show:

  • Shout-outs to Zander and Ruth Kay for their support of the podcast and the high-quality mic fund. More shout-outs coming next week. Yes, you can still pledge your support. We’re about halfway to what we need to make it a reality. Woohoo!
  • This week’s episode is inspired by two different questions from submissives about their needs.
  • How to handle it when a partner, specifically your Dominant, can’t give you what you want because of major stress in their life.
  • What to do when your partner won’t fulfill your needs – or make an attempt – because they don’t want to.
  • There are no easy answers, but they all begin with communication.
  • When life stress gets in the way of your D/s relationship, holding onto the structure you already have will help you.
  • As a submissive, sometimes serving comes in the form of supporting our Dominant through tough times, taking care of things for them when they can’t, and simply being patient.
  • Tough situations can happen to you as a couple. Understand that it’s normal for the D/s side of things to slip, but if you can maintain the basic structure of your power exchange, you may be able to cling to that when things get really tough.
  • Sometimes it’s not stress that gets in the way. Sometimes your partner doesn’t want to fulfill your needs for any number of reasons.
  • First talk. Then watch their reaction. Next decide what to do.
  • It’s okay if your desires, wants, and needs don’t match up perfectly with your partner. There are ways around it. Sometimes you don’t have to align perfectly to have a good relationship.

Follow the show:

Subscribe by RSS

Listen on iTunes (and leave a review if you love what you hear!)

Listen on Stitcher

Or click the button below…

Loving BDSM podcast

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • whew I finished it. 😉
    Great advice about dealing with life because unfortunately we still have to deal with the bad stuff.

    Googled the nail video and I’m dying.

    • It was a long episode! Yay for finishing! And I still need to Google it because I know I should know the reference but I cannot remember it at all. Clearly, I need more sleep, lol.

  • A wonderful podcast. Your points about communication, sharing and discussing your needs, really listening and watching the other’s response, and allowing the other person time to heal and deal, are so applicable to any relationship, regardless of sexual orientation. I’ve just written a paranormal story featuring a submissive couple who don’t know they’re subs, or anything about the Lifestyle other than a bit of pop culture. Now that the initial passion has worn off, they’re not happy. Cue a Dominant Norse deity who steps in to help them understand their nature and encourage communication. For those of us missing a supernatural counselor, 😎 I love your suggestion to write down what you’re having trouble articulating. Thanks for a funny, entertaining, touching, eye-opening hour.

    • I’m glad you liked it! I’m always surprised at people who think finding a D/s relationship is so different from any other type of relationship. It’s about getting to know people and paying attention – regardless of what flavor we like our sex. 🙂

Leave a Comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.