Sex Writing

In Defense of #MileyCyrus

I cannot believe I’m writing this, but yes, on a certain level, I feel compelled to defend Miley Cyrus and her twerking self. Let me make a few points clear, first:

  • I did not watch the MTV Video Music Awards – because I don’t have cable and I don’t care about the VMAs.
  • I didn’t know there was “controversy” until I saw it the next morning on my vanilla Facebook page.
  • I tried to watch the “incident” on YouTube, but it was too painful to watch so I stopped about a minute in.
  • Whoever advises Miley doesn’t appear to have her best interests at heart OR she didn’t listen to anyone advising her.
  • I don’t usually care much about pop culture because of the aforementioned lack of cable.

All that being said, after several days of watching the Miley Cyrus/twerking thing on social media, I’ve finally had enough and decided to add in my very unwanted, unasked for two cents.

In case you don’t know what I’m referring to, Miley Cyrus performed on the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards, part of which was a bit of twerking with Robin Thicke. From what little I was able to watch before my eyes started to bleed, Miley didn’t exactly perform well (for the record, she’s got a great voice – but it was very hard to WATCH the performance). I didn’t even know what twerking was until a couple of months ago. Apparently, I’m getting old because the only way I can describe it is “sex.” It’s a hip movement (and ONLY a hip movement) that looks like a sexual act to me. Whatever, it’s not something I’m going to do, but I don’t do the twist either (see how I threw that in for the older generations?). And who cares that I don’t twerk? Not a fucking soul – it’s not exactly aimed at my demographic.

Here’s the thing. I’m pretty ambivalent about stuff like this. Stuff like this meaning weird-things-popstars-do-to-get-attention. I don’t really care. I might not like it, but I have this great ability to ignore it. I turn off the TV; I change the radio station; I read something else. See how easy that is? Ta-da, done, no longer bothered by something I don’t care about. I also don’t look at every “shocking” thing someone does as a sign that the society is going to hell in a handbasket.

Now, why am I talking about this in a blog that focuses on BDSM, masturbation, and erotic fiction? Because today, I finally had enough. I read a blog post that hundreds of people applauded (from a blogger I actually like to read) – and it amounted to simple slut-shaming. Since finding my way to a kinky lifestyle – one I can’t exactly discuss with the majority of the world without the veil of anonymity – I’ve become much more relaxed about sex, sexuality, and the things other people do with sex. And I’ve noticed just how judgmental people are when it comes to sex.

So here’s the evolution of this specific blog post…

It started when a professional colleague of mine posted on Facebook about the Miley Cyrus performance and his opinion of what it meant about the younger generations and our culture. I chimed in that it didn’t seem much different than when people freaked out about Elvis shaking his hips on national television (who remembers Elvis the pelvis?) or when the Beatles came on the scene with their “long” hair and wild music. Every older generation thinks the younger generation has lost their mind, is ruining the country, or simply enjoys bad entertainment.

I had a few people who agreed with me in the Facebook thread, which made me feel a bit better. Sometimes when you’re the only one in a group with a specific opinion, it’s a bit like shouting into the wind. Of course, the majority came back with, “Well, you should have seen it. It was bad!”

The performance was bad – because it was performed badly. Painfully bad. Awkwardly bad. Shockingly bad. But at the end of the day, everyone was talking about Miley Cyrus (hello, four days later, and I’m blogging about her), and people were paying attention to her. So how bad could it have been (from her perspective, I mean)?

Let me interrupt myself to say that I think doing something “shocking” or just horrible for the sake of the publicity, while effective, is distasteful. Here’s where I seem to differ from most people who are voicing their opinion – I recognize that it’s my opinion. I don’t feel the need to condemn someone else, especially someone who is legally an adult, for their choices. Would I behave that way? Hell no! Will I attempt to teach my children not to behave that way? Fuck yeah. And, while I still have control over their TV habits, my children aren’t allowed to watch things like the MTV VMAs – because they’re little children, and that’s how I roll as a parent.

This leads me to my next point. The world frothed at the mouth because a former Disney child star was dancing provocatively with someone nearly 20 years older than her. Um, and? I’m a “little” in the Daddy Dom/little girl sexual dynamic – an older man/younger woman duo isn’t exactly shocking to me. Of course, sometimes I forget we live in some weird Puritanical society where everyone has sex, but no one wants to admit it, talk about it, or see it in a mainstream setting.

In the blog post that incited my post, she talked about how Miley’s actions were the de-evolution of the sexual revolution. I couldn’t disagree more. Miley’s actions (from my perspective) were that of a 20 year old young woman who wanted attention, wanted to prove she was no longer Hannah Montana, get people talking, and (possibly) show that she is a sexual creature, not a child.

People talk about women being able to own their sexuality, but when they do, they’re judged for it. If, and I say IF, her performance was an attempt to show the world that she’s a sexual woman and not a little girl, how is she different than any other 20 year old woman on the planet? I’m glad I didn’t have to be judged by my insane actions when I was 20. I had the luxury of privacy. She gets to grow up, experiment, try new things, figure herself out, and so much more in the public eye, surrounded by a team of “advisors” most of whom are probably only seeing dollar signs. We all made dumb decisions at her age (hell, I was engaged to the dumbass who would later become my ex-husband) – and many of us manage to survive them.

Society (American society – because that’s all I know) spends way too much time worrying about the sexual habits and actions of everyone else around them. We worry if you’re gay. We worry if rough sex is abusive. We worry that BDSM is dangerous and possibly a mental condition – and we’re only now starting to realize that was wrong. We worry when a 20 year old gyrates against a man older than her on stage. We question the motives. We question what it means for our culture. We question why we let our children watch. We question, question, question – and in the end, we judge.

Bottom line – I wasn’t impressed with her performance, and I felt sorry for her. But she does not illustrate what’s “wrong” with our culture. She’s not setting women back 30 years. She’s not a bad example for all young girls everywhere – some may admire her, but others recognize awkward and painful things when they see it. She’s a young woman who’s trying to figure out her public persona, experimenting with different ideas, and, by the way, laughing all the way to the bank.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • Awesome post. I agree with you completely. People are far too judgemental and far to interested in shit. At the end of the day does it really matter. You hit the nail on the head with Miley wants to show she is no longer a child but a sexual creature. Brilliant read darling. Xx

  • I think people in the kink world would tend to be less judgmental of her, in the vanilla world they are less forgiving.
    The thing too is people sensationalize celebrities; the tabloid rags and shows like TMZ that bring the best of the worst right to ones door.
    Personally I don’t read the rags nor watch shows like that, my feeling all along is if people stop watching and buying those paper soon they will not have a job.

    • I agree completely. There’s a market for it because people watch which just makes people compelled to try and become even more sensationalist…ugh, it sucks…

      I like to think that the kink world is too busy fucking it’s brains out to care about something as silly as Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke twerking…

  • This was a great read and although, as you know, our opions dissent on this particular topic, I love intelligent counter-opinion because it’s important. And, while I definitely read more into the “performance”, I do completely understand your take on this as well. Thanks for reading. Thanks for responding in a way that encourages dialogue.

    • Ok, I’m having a moment over here…I feel like a celebrity has visited my blog…gimme a second…./squeeee!

      I’m better now. Because of the nature of my dissenting opinion, I didn’t think I should comment on your blog – considering your audience and all. It’s rare that I feel compelled to share my opinion on something like this. Your post was well-written and well thought out, which gave me something to think about. I like that. 🙂

      For the record, I follow you on Facebook and think you’re freaking hilarious…and every time you post something about parenting, I nod my head in complete understanding.

  • We were discussing this very thing at last nights munch, the performance and twerking in general. Other than the fact none of us could twerk, though I care more about how I move in actual sexual relations more than how I dance, we agreed with your assessment. I certainly am glad my coming of age antics weren’t filmed and shown to the world.

    • I’m glad mine weren’t either…and I hate the excuse people make that she has to be held to a different standard because she’s in the public eye…I find that to be a massive double standard…you’re famous, so I expect you to be better than me? Yeah, I don’t buy it…

      And I think if I tried to twerk, I’d hurt myself!

  • Just let her be. She’s just trying to gain some attention and she has succeeded tremendously. Yeah, when comes to sex, not only people are judgmental, a lot of them are just plain phony or hypocrite.

    Sex is neither virtue nor evil, just part of human activity in trying to survive.
    Just can’t stand people that tell me sex is dirty when all of us (except if you’re a test-tube baby) are just the outputs or results of sex.
    If sex is so dirty, we’re all dirty

  • I don’t know what twerking is, I’m not going to look up what twerking is, and I will not ever likely have a need to twerk in my life. What I (in my pop psycho-babble way of looking at things) see is a bunch of people to afraid/bored/terrorized to look at their own empty lives and their own sadnesses, so they deflect their psychic pain onto someone, anyone, else. It’s a weird form of co-dependency.

    I see it with my mom and her “Real Housewives”. I see it with anyone who gossips. I hate when I see it as sex shaming, having been a victim of that particular calumny most of my life. Even where I work, one of the most mental healthy places I’ve ever stepped foot in, it bubbles up from time to time.

    “I don’t like me, so I’m gonna badmouth you.” Plain and simple.
    Rant over.

    • I like your pop psycho-babble take on it. And if you need to be a bit shocked, click on my link for twerking…it’s hilarious if you refuse to take it seriously as a dance tutorial…just sayin’…

      • In the interest of cultural education and open-mindedness…….I went and found a How To lesson on twerking (not Miley’s video). I was laughing before I got a minute into it.

        Back in 2007, I traveled to France with a group of women, mostly quiltmakers. We were in Avignon, out for dinner in this medieval city, and had imbibed in a few too many white wine sangrias. My roommate is a practicing belly dancer and was teaching us this same move – in the dark cobbled streets, all of us well over the age of ‘you oughta know better’.

        We didn’t know we were twerking. 😉

        • You were ahead of your time! 🙂 Wow, France and white wine sangrias…I can imagine what that must have been like… 🙂

  • Many years ago this world found out that singer Johnny Ray was gay and this country was definitely going to hell. It didn’t.
    In a bedroom somewhere a woman takes her husband’s cock in her mouth and loves what she is doing. He will bury his face between her legs and it’s wonderful. The next day if they see the same thing on HBO it is something filthy.
    Go figure.

  • I have to admit, I’m sick and tired of hearing about Miley Cyrus. Especially since the VMAs were like a week ago. I could care less about her twerking her narrow behind and who she twerks it on, but out of curiosity I forced myself to read this post, and I’m glad did. Not only was it entertaining, you touched on some interesting and valid points. Thank you for writing this. 🙂

    • LOL…I agree! I was pretty sick and tired of it, too…which is why I was shocked when I decided to write about the whole stupid mess…

      And you’re welcome! Glad I could say something different from the noise on social media. 🙂

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