As some of you may recall, I had my heart shattered into a million pieces nearly seven months ago. Over time, I have glued myself back together – with a bit of help. Two months ago, I reflected on my memories – the ones that were slipping away. For this Wicked Wednesday, I’m re-posting it.
I can feel the sadness as I read my words. I’m no longer haunted by memories. I’m no longer haunted by sadness. I can only imagine that this is what healing looks and feels like. But, before there was healing, there were memories…
You’re slipping away from me.
Yes, you walked away months ago, but I thought could hold onto memories and moments, scents and remembered touches. All of those are starting to slip away. The hurt feels fresh each time I realize I’ve lost another piece of you.
I don’t remember the smell of your cologne anymore. I may remember the type until the day I die, but I can’t smell it when I close my eyes anymore.
I don’t remember the way your hands felt on my body. You were imprinted on me, on my flesh, in my soul at one time. I’m losing that part of us.
I remember the sparkle of your blue eyes. I remember how the sound of your voice made my body quiver. I remember so much, but you’re still slipping away.
I don’t remember every detail of your voice anymore. I remember your words, your favorite expressions, the accents you could do with ease. I remember the night of your Irish lilt and the way your voice made me cum. But I don’t remember the timbre anymore. I don’t remember the tone. You’re slipping away.
As each little detail leaves, I lose you all over again. The pain feels fresh each time. I feel myself trying to recreate the walls around me that are slowly weakening. I’m tired of hurting, but I hate losing you in this new way.
I know that time marches on. I know that this is inevitable. I feel like a traitor because I can’t seem to hold on. I worry that I’m weak because I’m willing to find small bits of happiness even though they don’t match what I had with you.
You were imprinted on my heart from the moment I met you and each time another piece pulls away, a wound opens back up. I bleed and staunch the wound so no one notices it. I feel like a traitor to the people who have grown to care for me. Why do I hang on to you so tightly when there are others who want to love me – or at least like me – a little?
You’re slipping away from all over again, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Original post – with original comments.
Oh Kayla, this is the first time I have read this and it has brought me to tears. Reminded me of a couple of things I had to go through a couple of months ago too. I know you are better now and the feeling of missing all the feels has somehow faded. Memories slip in mind sometimes but we are stronger now 😉
Much stronger now…and that’s all that matters… 🙂
Consider yourself hugged.
Can’t give you any true consellations here…just appreciate you being willing to share yourself openly and give me hope that my own version on roller coaster feelings will plateau!
Yes, it will plateau…and if you’re lucky (and I’m sure you will be) something or someone will come along to take you to new heights… 🙂
Oh the dreams and the wishes that occur!!! 🙂
So eloquent in making those feelings into a thing almost tangible. (Haven’t we all felt this way! ) It’s hard to understand why he allowed himself to slip away, to evaporate–perhaps partly because he knew he was not truly The One and would not deal with it any other way? One way of looking at it.. Maybe.the old cliche’ is true here–a window closes so the door may open – your new Sir and the joy you’ve found.
I believe in windows and doors. And I have better perspective on the whole thing now…if he was really the one for me, he never would have left…that’s not an indictment of him – simply a fact…
I believe that all we go through, whether good or bad, sad or happy, forms us to the people we are. We learn and get stronger and we first have to go through one thing to be able to handle something else that comes into our lives at a later stage. It’s good to be sad about something you have lost but also good to move on and be happy again. Happiness is waiting for you somewhere out there 🙂
Happiness may have found me…so all is well…I’m much better than I used to be…:)
Painful memories can be hard things to deal with but as we work through them they can bring positive rewards as well. I hope you find the happiness you deserve
I believe I’ve found happiness…different than before, but no less real and wonderful…
Revisiting heartache builds resilience – mainly from sensing the distance you now have but didn’t then from the trauma.
Thank you. 🙂
You are stronger than you were before.
You are loved.
Yes to all of that! ((hugs))
Hope you will feel better now!
I do… 🙂
Reflection can be so interesting can’t it? We look and and see where we were and then see how far we have come since then.
Wish you all the best with your new relationship.
Thank you. 🙂 Sometimes I’m still a little sad, but I’m in a much better place than I was back then…