I'm almost always in a weird funk when I come home from a business trip. Exhaustion mixed with a bit of sadness that the experience is over, add in a dash of dread at going back to the old grind.
I've had an overwhelming sense of loneliness all day that I don't understand. Is it because its two days from what would have been my 11th wedding anniversary? It doesn't make sense to me because I certainly don't mourn the divorce or the loss of my ex from my life. Is it because its been nearly six months since my heart shattered? Not sure why it would effect me like this now.
I stepped off the plane this afternoon and watched as a man's wife and children greeted him at the airport. I have no idea how long he was gone, but his family reacted as if they hadn't seen him in a very long time. The look on his face as he hugged his little girls and looked at his wife was beautiful. I wasn't envious of him - just the opposite, actually. I couldn't help but smile. I also couldn't help but notice that there are no moments like that in my past or my immediate future.
I talked with someone today about being alone and lonely. I admitted that I am both, and sometimes I'm both at the same time.
Ok, I hear some people now - just be patient, someone will show up when i least expect it. And others will say it doesn't matter, that I'm strong and capable and shouldn't worry about such things. Would you believe me if I said I know, and as far as I can tell, my strange melancholy isn't really about that?
I continue to find myself in impossible situations. I care for people that I have no future with. I think that's been my pattern all along, but I led myself to believe differently with the ones who came before. I see all too clearly now that what I had with my lion wouldn't have lasted. Not because the feelings weren't real but because of circumstances in our lives.
I believe that relationships require work, hard work sometimes. But I don't really think every single moment should be a constant struggle, either. I refuse to let my heart get too involved with people because I can see the struggle looming horizon and I just don't think I have the strength to go through the highs and lows and then the ultimate demise that is the standard for these types of impossible situations.
How's that for cryptic?
I want to love and be loved, desperately. I want to feel like I have someone in my corner, always. I want what I keep reading in the stupid erotic, romance novels. I don't know if I believe in that kind of all-consuming love and passion - rather, I should say that I don't know if I believe it can last.
I have part of the equation. But I see the difficulties coming. I've seen it too many times before. There is nothing in my experience to make me believe this time will somehow, miraculously, be different.
Instead of being truly brave and deciding to either call it off and let him go or throw caution to the wind and embrace what I feel, I'm the coward who clings to the little I allow, the little I'm willing to accept, desperate for more.
I'm clinging to what I have, craving something more, terrified of hurting yet again. I'm unsure of my feelings, not willing to trust myself - I've been so wrong so many times before. So maybe it's not a strange melancholy after all. Maybe I'm scared and lonely and tired of being alone.