Adapting

One of the amazing things about humanity is that we adapt and adjust to our circumstances. Not everyone adjusts and adapts in a healthy way. Not everyone turns a negative into a positive. Not everyone learns as they adapt. But we all adapt. Adapt or die is how biology would explain it.

My heart hurts. It’s not a secret. I love someone I can’t have – surely that isn’t news to anyone. But I’ve adjusted to my new reality. I’ve connected with people. I’ve carved out a little bit of happiness for myself. I hope I’ve touched people as much as they’ve touched me. I’ve been my quintessential self, even as I’ve been guarded and unsure.

I’ve allowed myself to explore my submissive side in different ways with different people. I’ve grown to care for different people. I have found that some people are necessary in my life, and I won’t let go without a fight.

And yet…

There’s a hole inside of me that I’m waiting to fill. I really believe, deep down, that my heart will know it when I find it. I sometimes worry that I might be missing something right in front of me because I’m too busy wishing for the stars. But I learned the hard way to follow my intuition, my instinct, my GUT. My gut says that there is something out there, someone. Maybe I already know him. Maybe I don’t.

I keep imagining that when I come across him, my heart will know instantly, and my head will rebel. It’s happened before. Like a wild animal, I’ll have to be coaxed and handled with care. Not that much different than now, actually.

It’s hard, though. Life is lonely. I get tired of sleeping alone. I want to feel someone’s warmth pressing up against me. I want to lean, physically and emotionally. On days like today, I wish I had someone to help me with my children. Being alone doesn’t bother me. Being lonely sucks.

I try not to imagine who or what he’ll be, other than a Dominant man, an alpha male, a strong person who knows what he wants and goes after it. I always worry that if I focus on details that I’ll create a picture in my mind that reality can’t match.

In the meantime, I’m trying to enjoy what I’ve created for myself, this new reality I’m adapting to. There have been bumps along the way, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and impatience. There will be more, I’m sure.

I just want to be happy again. Even I know I can’t sit around and wait for it to happen to me. I’ve got to create it for myself. I’m trying, I promise I am.

But tonight, I would kill for a warm body to snuggle up with, strong arms wrapped around me, and the sound of a calm heart beat to lull me to sleep.