Sad State

I’m still trying to wrap my mind around my most recent loss. I keep waiting for someone to tell me that it’s a really cruel joke. I know it’s not, but my mind finds it all hard to accept.

Needless to say, I’ve been in a sad state the past few days. This loss makes me think of other losses – the loss of friendship, the loss of love. Two of the people I would have reached out to during a time like this are the two people who don’t want me. Thankfully, there are others I can lean on.

The thought that goes through my mind is that the death of my friend was a loss without a choice. He didn’t walk away; he was taken from me. When I compare that to being left behind – no matter how valid the reason – I think I’m supposed to be angry about it, righteously indignant. Instead, I’m just sad.

I’m afraid – of being forgotten, of being left behind, of not being enough. The same fears I’ve had all along, I thought I’d beaten them back. In some weird way, this week has brought them all back to the surface.

It makes me want to withdraw into myself. I want to hide away and tell everyone to leave me alone. If I did that, who would follow me and who would comply with my demand? I’m afraid to find out. I may find myself completely alone.

I know I’ve allowed people into my life that I wouldn’t have under different circumstances. Some drifted in out of mutual curiosity; some out of genuine affection from casual interactions; some because they thought I was fuckable. They’ve stayed around – I don’t know if their reasons have changed or if they’re just lonely and bored. I often wonder when they’ll drift back out and if they’ll tell me good bye or if they’ll just disappear.

I don’t believe any of them are permanent (as permanent as anything can be in life). Why should I? I thought I had love beyond compare and I lost that. Why would I think anyone else is here to stay? Or that they even want to stay?

I know, I know, this sounds like I’m down on myself. I don’t feel that way. I think I’m being more pragmatic about it all – people walk away from me more often than not so it makes sense to expect it from others. If someone sticks around, it becomes a happy surprise, right?

All I want is to be someone’s good girl, their special girl. I want to be wanted, loved, needed, all of it. I want to fully submit to a man I deem worthy. I want the emotional connection that I see in others’ relationships. I want it all.

I want someone who takes risks for me. I want someone who makes grand gestures. I want someone who does mildly stupid things for me. I want the fucking fairy tale.

But I’m more realistic than that.

I know those things don’t happen for most people. I know most people are scared and hold back. They’re afraid of rejection. They’re afraid of appearing foolish. They’re afraid to wear their heart on their sleeve. They’re afraid to be fearless.

Maybe that’s what I’m waiting for – the one who’s fearless.