Nothing lasts. No one stays. I’m too much. I’m not enough.
I lost a friend today. A genuine, honest-to-God friend. Someone who befriended me at my lowest moment because he hated to see me so sad. He didn’t have to reach out. He didn’t have to care. He didn’t have to become a shoulder and a sympathetic ear. And he did. And he was the loveliest person I’ve met in a long time.
He’s gone.
It was all online and virtual. He lives on another continent. I was probably never going to meet him, although it was fun to dream about. I relied on his emails each day. My life got busy and I couldn’t keep up, but I tried. I tried so hard, because I never wanted to be that person who disappears on people I care about – and people who care about me. But he drifted away this week. I knew something was wrong, but he wouldn’t talk about it.
Until today.
He’s gone. I’m too D/s, he’s too vanilla, it was too hard for him. His feelings are his own and they are valid. This isn’t what he intended, but I only got one message from this:
Kayla, once again, you’re too much. Kayla, never forget, nothing lasts, especially not anything good.
He didn’t think he could compare to other people in my life. He didn’t think he could give me what I need.
He didn’t understand that in my own way I love him very much. He was one of my best good friends. And he’s gone. He’s gone to protect himself and his heart. Just like someone else….
It’s too much loss. Maybe for some people, it’s stupid. Maybe you’re thinking I should get over it. Maybe you’d like to tell me that there are worse things.
You’ll tell me not to internalize this. You’ll say that this isn’t about me, it’s about him.
Do you understand that doesn’t matter? Once again, I cared about someone who couldn’t handle it. They needed to walk away – from me. Why should I trust that anyone is going to come into my life to stay?
And before anyone jumps on the “he’s an asshole” bandwagon – stop. I didn’t like it when people did it to my Lion, I won’t like it now. Stupid me, I’m loyal forever, I guess.
I just don’t think I can take much more loss. I don’t think I can have one more person walk away from me. Maybe no one should walk towards me. Maybe that’s the safest thing for everyone. Clearly I’m too much of something…or not enough.
Sorry you’re hurting. But everything changes. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong. The good and the bad. Nothing is permanent except death and taxes. You have to find a way to love yourself. It’s hard. It’s sometimes a struggle for me too. But I know that there is goodness in everyone. Yourself included. 😉
Thank you.
I know I shouldn’t internalize it so much. This is the fourth time something like this has happened in the past couple of years…the fourth person who withdrew from me for his own reasons…when I look back on it, each had their own reasons for doing it, but I’m the only common denominator…after a while it stops being bad luck or a strange coincidence and becomes a pattern…
==I know this sounds weird but I want to ask you something about this,off record. I put my email in my blog of record, lookhere3–as the caption under the last sidebar picture (basement cat).. If you’re up for it, I won’t use your email for anything but this one thing. If not, no problem.==Tues 26th
Give me a moment to retrieve it, and I’ll email you. 🙂
Losing is the ultimate form of having: Something is not truly there until it is not there anymore, for what is there must eventually go away, and you must someday meet what is in the future, but what was will forever remain in the past, immortal and irrevocable.
You will always have him. He is immortal.
That’s beautiful…
Maybe tomorrow or the next day when I’m a little bit more removed from tonight’s grief I will be able to believe it…
Thank you for your words…
You will. In due time everything will be better.
Death is not the only thing we grieve in life. You will need to mourn this for a few days. Take this time to cry, sleep, reminisce, write, listen to music. Get it all out, and then come back from it resilient, knowing there is now room for someone or something new. Sending you virtual hugs doll 🙂 xxx
Thank you.
Tired of loss…very tired of it.
It seems we’re forever exchanging hugs. I wish I had something witty to say other than hang in there. Better will come. ((Hugs))
((hugs))
Please let the sunshine in….
Trying…
I can understand your loss very well. Losing a close friend … even the online variety can affect us very deeply.
Mike
It hurts. And I’m tired of hurting.
Kayla, my heart feels your pain. It is real,it hurts,i know this. i am so sorry for the emptiness you are feeling. Now more than ever, treat yourself , keep your head up, and know it is timing, and circumstance,not a reflection on you.
I try to believe that…I really do…it’s hard, though…
Kayla, Tears are streaming down my face reading your post and my heart goes out to you for I am in a similar situation. People come and go in our lives and we can’t predict or control how long we will have them. The life lessons we receive from our true friends, Doms, teachers, mentors, are to be cherished and kept in our hearts for that is what they would want. They are not to be wasted or thrown away, but celebrated and to be carried forward by us, it is our responsibility to do so in honor of them. We need not blame ourselves for this is life and as soon as we are on top of the mountain, we may fall again for there is always another one to climb. Because of them we climb that mountain again, this time faster and stronger then ever and when we get there we stand tall and we can’t let anyone take us down, ever. Cheers to the amazing good people who come in and out of our lives, for just maybe, they are to0 precious for us to keep and they were only ours for the moment and they cherish us as much as we cherished them for if we were not good as well they would have never found us.
You’re right…and I know you’re right…thank you…((hugs))
Wow–this happened to me too recently. . closer than close though far away, for almost a year, then poof- he’s suddenly gone.
Really sux bigtime huh?.
I tell myself a truth, everything changes, always. ., .as your friend said–nothing lasts. But we quarrel with the endings, don’t we. . .
On certain levels, I adapt and adjust to change almost effortlessly – certainly in my professional life. But in some things I absolutely hate change…hate it! And yet, I adjust and adapt to it all the same…
saddly some people do not understand the place they fill in our lives. We need Vanilla, and chololate and mint chip and sherbert and swirl. People come into our lives when we need them. Some stay when we wish they would go. Others leave far to soon for our hearts. But it is all part of the inevitable change. We learn, we love, we grow. I do not know if it is easier when they say good by or when they simply vanish from life. All i know is that it hurts, but it passes. Hugs.
((hugs))
My little girl stamps her feet and pouts…but the woman in me knows you’re right…/sigh…it sucks…