Nothing lasts. No one stays. I’m too much. I’m not enough.
I lost a friend today. A genuine, honest-to-God friend. Someone who befriended me at my lowest moment because he hated to see me so sad. He didn’t have to reach out. He didn’t have to care. He didn’t have to become a shoulder and a sympathetic ear. And he did. And he was the loveliest person I’ve met in a long time.
It was all online and virtual. He lives on another continent. I was probably never going to meet him, although it was fun to dream about. I relied on his emails each day. My life got busy and I couldn’t keep up, but I tried. I tried so hard, because I never wanted to be that person who disappears on people I care about – and people who care about me. But he drifted away this week. I knew something was wrong, but he wouldn’t talk about it.
He’s gone. I’m too D/s, he’s too vanilla, it was too hard for him. His feelings are his own and they are valid. This isn’t what he intended, but I only got one message from this:
Kayla, once again, you’re too much. Kayla, never forget, nothing lasts, especially not anything good.
He didn’t think he could compare to other people in my life. He didn’t think he could give me what I need.
He didn’t understand that in my own way I love him very much. He was one of my best good friends. And he’s gone. He’s gone to protect himself and his heart. Just like someone else….
It’s too much loss. Maybe for some people, it’s stupid. Maybe you’re thinking I should get over it. Maybe you’d like to tell me that there are worse things.
You’ll tell me not to internalize this. You’ll say that this isn’t about me, it’s about him.
Do you understand that doesn’t matter? Once again, I cared about someone who couldn’t handle it. They needed to walk away – from me. Why should I trust that anyone is going to come into my life to stay?
And before anyone jumps on the “he’s an asshole” bandwagon – stop. I didn’t like it when people did it to my Lion, I won’t like it now. Stupid me, I’m loyal forever, I guess.
I just don’t think I can take much more loss. I don’t think I can have one more person walk away from me. Maybe no one should walk towards me. Maybe that’s the safest thing for everyone. Clearly I’m too much of something…or not enough.