I’m Okay

I feel compelled to tell everyone that I’m okay. I wasn’t okay last night, clearly, but I promise I am today.

I need to tell you all how grateful I am to everyone who vehemently protested my reaction. It was a gut reaction with almost no thought involved. I took no time to collect my thoughts, go deep into my head, and sit there until I solved the problem. My reaction exploded out of me and onto my blog. I don’t regret it, but I feel like I need to explain myself.

I was optional in his life. That is a fact. That does not make him a bad man or a bad Dominant. He made a choice in his life and I, to this day, respect his choice. I don’t have to like something to respect it.

He loved me. I know he did. I loved him more. In his place, I could never have made the same decision. Neither of us is right or wrong. We came to our relationship from different places. Our feelings were similar but with clear differences. Differences I couldn’t see until now.

I’ve spent the past nine weeks trying to understand how this could happen. I watched other people lose relationships and in retrospect there were clear signs. That’s not what happened with us. Life happened to us. My brain and heart have been on overdrive, because for me, there must be a reason for everything (one of those things that drove him a little crazy about me). I get it now.

It shocked my system because until that moment it never occurred to me that the depth of his feelings might have been different than mine. I’m not saying they were vastly different, but definitely not the same. I know that now.

I don’t have a lot of confidence about love. I am always afraid to love because I’ve only ever seen it end in pain for me. Typically, I’m the one leaving, after being let down one too many times. This doesn’t mean I’m some picky bitch who can never be satisfied. It means that I tend to give much more than I receive, and eventually, I can’t take the let-down anymore.

This time, he showed me, for a brief moment in time, that it was okay to love. It was okay to wear my heart on my sleeve. I didn’t have to be afraid to say, “I love you.” I didn’t have to be afraid to need someone. For a beautiful moment in my life, I had a rock. I’ve never had that. I’m afraid that I’ll never have that again.

Last night was a reaction to realizing that once again, I loved more than I was loved. It was hard to take. I wonder if it will always be like this.

Am I too much for men? I’m not one of those gushy, up-your-ass-every-minute kind of women. I tend to hold back a bit, stay reserved, think too much. But once I decide that I love someone, I give everything that I am. It’s part of what makes me a natural submissive – in my opinion. It also means that I tend to get hurt.

I am afraid that I will never feel for anyone the way I felt (feel) for him. And if that’s the case, I will live half a life for the rest of my life. I’m afraid that whatever it is about me that causes men to never approach me in real life (the virtual world is different) will mean that I’m alone forever. I’m afraid there aren’t enough strong Dominant men in the world to go around for all of us; maybe my one shot at what I need to be complete has slipped away from me. I’m afraid that I will always love more than I am loved, and I’m in some sort of perpetual cycle that can never be broken. I am forever afraid that I’m not enough or that I’m too much, pick one. Those are real fears that I carry with me. No amount of telling me that it won’t be like that makes those fears go away.

I will always think of him as my Lion. I will probably always love him. He made me feel beautiful in a way that no man ever has. He made me believe things about myself that I couldn’t before, and without him, I still doubt. I will never be okay with anyone harshly criticizing him. I understand how he felt (feels) more than I did before even if I would have made a different choice. I respect what he did. I still think of him as one of the best men I’ve ever known.

All of that being said, I need you all to know that I’m okay. I cried last night, sobs wracked my body. The tears and cries were of my heart breaking in a way I could never anticipate. I had put a band-aid over an open wound and then ripped it off.  It didn’t help that I was in a bad place yesterday, either. Last night, the pain was excruciating but in no way did I ever blame him. Ever.

But, at the end of it all, I’m okay…I promise.

Now, I’d like to get back to writing sexy things…if everyone’s okay with that, of course. 😉