I'm trying to send an email to a friend, and in writing my response, I just had the most painful epiphany.
I was an option.
I was asked by another friend if there was anything in my life I could let go of in order to find some peace and calm in the middle of my stress. My reply was blogging and my friends and neither was something I was willing to let go of completely, because both help me stay centered.
In emailing my sweet friend, I said:
I feel like I'm falling...and there's no one to catch me...and it makes me miss him, even though I now understand why he did what he did...I get it now...he couldn't take one more thing, and I was the one thing that was an option...
I was an option. I was the person he could live without. He didn't need me. I'm not needed.
I must now reconcile myself to this realization. For the record, this new pain is worse than the original.
I'm not angry at him. I just understand it now. I'm not going to grieve again - no one will have to suffer through that a second time, no worries.
I'm an option.