I’m trying to send an email to a friend, and in writing my response, I just had the most painful epiphany.
I was an option.
I was asked by another friend if there was anything in my life I could let go of in order to find some peace and calm in the middle of my stress. My reply was blogging and my friends and neither was something I was willing to let go of completely, because both help me stay centered.
In emailing my sweet friend, I said:
I feel like I’m falling…and there’s no one to catch me…and it makes me miss him, even though I now understand why he did what he did…I get it now…he couldn’t take one more thing, and I was the one thing that was an option…
I was an option. I was the person he could live without. He didn’t need me. I’m not needed.
I must now reconcile myself to this realization. For the record, this new pain is worse than the original.
I’m not angry at him. I just understand it now. I’m not going to grieve again – no one will have to suffer through that a second time, no worries.
I’m an option.
Please be angry. Please rage at the world. Please kick something, scream in your pillow, please don’t carry this thing and make it you. It is SO NOT YOU!
What’s to be angry about? There were never any guarantees in life that we were ever going to be forever…we hadn’t pledged to be together until we died…we were new in our relationship…I fell harder than he did…no, no, please know, I know he loved me…I believe that with my whole heart…but I loved him more…I always do that…I always love them more than they love me…
I won’t be angry…he did what was best for him, and he should have…I just never realized why or how…now I do…a piece of the puzzle is now in place…I get it now…that’s all…
Well, then, I will happily be PISSED OFF for you, if for no other reason than I can and it does me good. I’ll be a Real Housewife of Central Florida and get all UP IN IT!
You’re a sweet, sweet friend…
No matter the epiphany, I still love him…and I know he’s a good man…the best I’ve ever known…it just wasn’t meant to be…
Please don’t think that our separation didn’t hurt him…I know it did…he suffered, too…he may still be suffering…and even after all this time, that still bothers the hell out of me…
So many hugs…haven’t been following you long but promise you this…you are so much more
Thank you…((hugs))
I hope he finds the woman for him who won’t be an option, but a must-have…he deserves that as much as I deserve to not be an option…
You know* that’s* right (Imagine me waving my arm in the air and snapping like your best Sassy Gay Friend.) You are *not* an option, girlfriend.
(Back to being night owl) ((((hugs)))) I think you are perfect.
On Thu, Jan 31, 2013 at 9:58 PM, A Sexual Being wrote:
> ** > Kayla Lords commented: “Thank you…((hugs)) I hope he finds the woman > for him who won’t be an option, but a must-have…he deserves that as much > as I deserve to not be an option…” >
I hurt.
I know. How I know. I would take your pain if I could.
A wise woman, upon hearing of another’s heartbreak and sadness, said, “Isn’t it amazing to feel so deeply? To have loved so deeply and intensely that the pain is so sweet?” I don’t know if I agree with her, but I do try to sink into the pain and allow it to flow through me.
On Thu, Jan 31, 2013 at 10:18 PM, A Sexual Being wrote:
> ** > Kayla Lords commented: “I hurt.” Respond to this comment by replying > above this line > New comment on *A Sexual Being * > > > *Kayla Lords* commentedon > Epiphany . > > in response to *night owl*: > > You know* thats* right (Imagine me waving my arm in the air and snapping > like your best Sassy Gay Friend.) You are *not* an option, girlfriend. > (Back to being night owl) ((((hugs)))) I think you are perfect. On Thu, Jan > 31, 2013
Totally agree with you…have felt like an option before myself so congrats & good luck on everything *smiles*
Kayla you are NOT an option! You were a decision! The best decision that he made.. then he decided to be a DICK! I’m sorry, I know u still are loving him… But … May I ask was this man married or involved with someone else? (I don’t have the whole story…) I’m sending u strength! It will get easier… Maybe u need to go out find a decent nice guy and just go have fun this weekend. .. Feel desirable.. It will give you strength! Even if its just a friend … Flirt… Even enjoy one another no strings! I just feel your pain and want to make it better for you!
Hugs hugs hugs!!!!!
No, we were a normal long distance couple…no secret wives or secret girlfriends…I wasn’t someone on the side…his life went crazy…and he had choices to make…something had to give…I’m a sub, giving’s what I do, right? Ok, bad joke…
He’s a good man…he made the best decision for him…my epiphany (as painful as it is) simply means that I have to face the reality that there’s no “us”…there was an “us” but I have to put my little girl hopes and fantasies to the side and realize that while he loved me, it wasn’t the way I loved him…
I will defend him vigorously…he’s the standard that the next man has to try to match…I’m still not sure anyone can even reach it…but I wasn’t the one for him…I know that now…
Well I stand by my advise.. Do you have someone to go out with this weekend and do something with… Forget the hurt …even if its only a few hours. You’re strong… Don’t stay in the past too long…. My heart hurts for you… Wishing you a bigger better Dom… Sorry Honey! ❤❤❤❤
Thank you…
Unfortunately no, I don’t. I’ll go into work again this weekend…stuff to do with the little ones…and no babysitter right now…
I’ll be fine…((hugs))
I wish you lived closer. I’d babysit. When you weren’t slammed at work, we could go to a munch together. I’m still SO curious.
So am I, dear friend, so am I…
Ok here’s an idea! Go to the grocery get ice cream and brownie mix… Make tons of soft chewy brownies with your little ones!
Add icecream…..
Pig out!!!
I gained a lot of weight in the past several weeks while I grieved…but I’ll find something…thank you, though…
I also have not followed you for a long time but I must say you are not an option! They say divorce can make someone’s life crazy and you add children to the mix..yea it will but what I think is the person should never accidentally bring someone into the mix if their not fully ready (Only remember some of his old blogs been a while so idk) . A long distant relationship is hard already, different states can put a strain. Some people are made for it while others are not, but the main thing is this. A relationship is 50/50 on both the girl and man. No matter what type of relationship you have your role and the guy has his. But yall both must meet in the middle to make it 100%…You cant go 60% while he goes only 40…it is not fair. And vise versa. The blame should never go to just you, yea as girls we tend to blame ourselves and our friends will turn the blame on the guy. Its in our nature, because the girl inside me is saying fuck him he did wrong. But the small side of me is saying its not just his blame and its not just yours. (Which I dont see anything you did wrong. Maybe it was rushed. I have been their and it was because of a rushed relationship. I fell hard over a guy but he didnt feel the same and I hit my face first on the floor. But in time you will heal fully, its always a climb but you will make it, and friends are always guiding you but its your choice to take those steps.) but whatever it was its not just one person. Submissive, Slave, Vanillia, Strawberry, Ranch whatever…You are a woman, a human but not an Option! (I am craving ranch right now so it just had to go in their lol) It is good your not angry shows self controlled and that your acting like an adult (better than I would be to be honest) lots of hugs my darling!!!
Xoxoxox-Barbie
It’s easy to act like an adult when I still love him, regardless of my epiphany…and I disagree a little bit with your assessment…it’s not ok for one side to give more in a relationship as a rule…but when bad things happen, when stress happens, yes, I think the other side should give a bit more…just until the stress passes…
And now I’m craving ranch too…thanks a lot! LOL
I do have to agree with you here. Rarely is a relationship 50/50 at any given moment. At times, it’s full out 100/0. And yet we persist in trying to find one that works.
I love the optimism of the human spirit.
You may have been an option for him, but that just leaves room for the one who will love you more than anything,
I almost want to tell you to stop saying that. It becomes insidious, the terrible ways we allow the world to define us. Don’t make yourself less for any reason.
All I can think about is opening a wound wider and wider with this thinking until you bleed to death. I like you too much as a person to see you do this to yourself. Maybe because I do this too, have thought this, but one of use needs to cut away the lie that squeezes the life out of us. Let it be you. I mean, because you’re worth more than you give yourself credit for and the way people respond to you has no bearing on that. You are valuable. Period.
And that’s all I guess I have to say about that… <3
One day maybe I’ll have the confidence to believe that for myself…thank you…:)
((hugs))
Thank you. I know that, I promise, I do. Last night was me scraping a barely healed scab off of a gaping, hemorrhaging wound…I’ve got my bearings back…
I’ll never be confident about believing love is out there for me…I shy away from any amount of real affection from men because in my experience it’s always ended in pain…but a few men have coaxed it out of me…I guess I just need to believe that lightning will strike twice…
The man who conquers me, who captures me…whoever he is…that man will have to be an extremely determined man…there aren’t a lot of those out there…but with the amount of people in the world, surely, I’ll come across him some day…
I understand you completely. While our experiences aren’t the same, our emotions and thoughts very much are. And it’s okay to say what you did. Xoxo
You are not an option! He clearly did not make wise choices. You deserve a wonderful Sir who will know and understand what that means and will be ready to guide you and draw you into his life. I’m a big believer in things happening for a reason, you are on this path and walking towards you, on his own path, is he Sir for you. Hugs
He made the best decision for him…and I will never fault him for that…
But yes, I believe that everything happens for a reason, too…((hugs))
Thank you…:)
Ultimately, we are all an option. Like the guy who fell while out climbing and got stuck by a boulder. After a couple of days he cut off his own arm to escape and survive. Like this guy, you will never be the same again. But, like him, you are a survivor.
All this stuff ‘what does not kill you makes you stronger’ is bullshit. I’d rather not have the possibility of dying, thank you, and have a few more good people around. But, it is true that you learn from these things, are better able to avoid problems or help others, as do so many of the great people who comment so strongly here. Comment for you.
You have, over the few months, been through hell. That he had to sacrifice his relationship with you has been painful in the extreme. It is not that you were optional, it was just the wrong time. Sometimes, that is all that was wrong.
I do hope that this is the last twist and that things become easier for you, that the tears dry and people seem to smile more and frown less.
((hugs))
Have I mentioned that I adore you, Nick? ((Hugs))
I don’t agree completely, but I appreciate the sentiments.
Adored:-) Sigh…
Mwah!
i wish we did not have to feel this way. But awareness is the first step. The other day i was watching tv when the actress made the statement.
I WANT TO BE SOMEONES FIRST CHOICE.. it hit home with me.
I need to be the first thing he thinks of when he wakes, the last thought in his mind as he falls asleep. and the woman wrapped in his arms when he dreams. Not just the matress warmer on the other side of the bed or the person he shares a meal with. we both deserve so much more. And now we both can see that. We have been the option, the second choice. And now we can move forward. Hugs my sweet friend.
I agree 100% with lonelyheart. That particular quality is on my wish list and is a deal breaker. I’ve never had that from a man I love and I’m 52, which is sad, but not inevitable. I still have great hope.
((hugs)) I think the thing I forget is that in order to find him, we have to actually go looking…that’s the hardest part for me…maybe because I’m submissive, maybe because I’m an introvert…maybe because I have a debilitating fear of rejection…maybe all of the above…but if we go looking, in our own way, we’ll find whoever they are…
Thank you…((hugs))
Kayla, I know what it feels like to be an option…and it sucks. I don;t use that word much and it only begins to describe it. But I will say this….after the blinding pain started to fade and I had enough distance to look at things without just seeing how much I had cared…..I realized that as much as it hurt, it was better than the long term pain of having someone who sees you as an option do their dance of keeping you in their life just enough so that you are there when they want you.
I have about a billion flaws, but I still deserve someone who wants all of me and will give me all of Him. And so do you. I know you don;t think so now; stuff like this makes us think we are inherently….not enough. But you do. And in the end, the ones who were only open and whole enough to have “options” in their lives will see what they had in us.
I second that! Really insightful! Applaus….
Beautifully said. I wish I’d said it myself.
Sending many hugs…
I love this quote from sex and the city…
“Some love stories aren’t epic novels, some are short stories; but that doesn’t make them any less filled with love.” — Carrie
I think this applies to you both… no?
I think that is very accurate…it was short but hot, fiery, passionate, and loving…he made me realize what it means to be truly loved and I will never settle for less again…