Shifting Beneath Me

I’ve only had one true panic attack in my life – several years ago in a moment of very real, very strange claustrophobia. Too many people too close to me in a crowded space. It was very scary.

Tonight, on my way to pick up my boys, I came very close to a second panic attack.

In every facet of my life, the ground keeps shifting. I can’t find purchase anywhere. Every time I think I’ve figured it out, found a balance point, and stabilized the few things I do have control over, something else shifts again.

I’ve talked about the potential new jobs heading my way – although the cosmos are testing my patience, as always. There’s always a reason to want a new job. Mine has almost everything to do with my current job. Today, yet another shift in the sand in an unstable work environment. The inmates run the asylum, and I watch bad decisions being made and am powerless to stop them. It’s my job to know the answers to questions and offer my professional opinion to prevent bad decisions, and I am continuously ignored. That shouldn’t matter much except that every bad decision made by an ineffective leadership brings more potential harm in some way to my coworkers and myself.

Today, a coworker lost his job two weeks before Christmas due to leadership politics. He probably shouldn’t have been in his position, but mostly because he had never been properly trained. Because I am intimately knowledgeable about way too much shit, I saw the politics of it, and I can see how this will potentially affect the rest of us.

It was too much. There’s nothing stable and solid in my life, there’s nothing I can count on. I got into my car tonight and almost hyperventilated. For the record, I’m not the kind of person who panics or has anxiety.

I have to be a rock at work – too many people seem to look to me for that, and it’s a role I fill well.

I have to be a rock for my children – it’s my job. They aren’t allowed to take care of me until I’m about 80 or so, and then I’ll still probably think they’re too young or don’t know what they’re doing.

I have to be a rock for myself – because the alternative is too much to contemplate.

And I have no anchor to keep me steady. The ground keeps shifting. Changes occur that don’t make sense (at least in the short term), that are too traumatic, that hurt too much. There’s nothing I can do to stop them, and it’s not my place to stop it. But what do I cling to when I feel like I’m falling? What is there to keep me grounded?

I think the answer is supposed to be me. But I’m part of the shifting ground. My emotions are on a roller coaster. From one day to the next, I don’t know where I stand. The things I would like to be able to count on, I can’t.

These are the moments I feel lost and small. I feel like the world is spinning too fast and I can’t catch up. The ground keeps shifting and there’s nothing to anchor me.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


    • Thank you…some days I don’t feel very strong…this would be one of them…or maybe its that I’m tired of being strong…either way…it’s a struggle sometimes but I’ll get through…

  • I have often thought there should be a compassion button next to the like on these blogs. Hope things begin to look up for you in your future. The Holiday season often bring up a whole host of issues and orients that can cause affect in our lives and the workplace. Know that many who read your words here are listening……

    • I could use a button like that for the blogs I read, as well…I remind myself that nothing stays the same forever – good or bad – and that this will pass…some moments are just harder than others…

      Thank you for being a kind listener…it helps more than you know…

  • I think you’re much more anchored than you realize. My guess is that in the moment things appear unstable, but hindsight will probably give you a different view. Stay grounded my friend 🙂

  • Lots of things in your life are very fluid at the present time. It is no surprise that you have a wobble sometimes, especially when you are tired or are surprised by the stupidity of others that influence your life and fortune. Make sure you fix on the areas that are stable in your life, like the kids, and those you can influence or change. Work outwards from there. Fixating on the world spinning around will leave you doing the same.

    • The advice is sound…the boys, and their ever-changing moods and stages in life are contributing a bit to the shifting…ah well, I will push through and preservere…no other option…

  • Sounds like there has been some excellent thoughts shared…I would hit “like” next to all of them….just remember the feelings are temporary..your strength, beauty, and awesomness however is not! :0

  • anchor my ASS. life if less painful when we learn to shift with the sands. Things change, life changes, we change. And that thing of building on unmovable rock only is there to keep one stagnant. Embrace the madness. Like Alice in Wonderland you find that all of the best people are those who are A LITTLE MAD. Roller coasters have highs and lows. It is the fall from a high place that makes your stomach leap, kicks in the adrenaline and gives your heart a rush. it is all a change of perspective. I for one roll with the tides, shift with the sand and am the girl in the front seat of the rollercoaster.

    • There’s shifting and there’s SHIFTING…and as someone who hates roller coasters, I have to disagree a bit…I’ve weathered all sorts of changenin the past few years but very little that made me feel this way…

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