I’m hiding in plain sight. I hide some part of myself in nearly every facet of my life.
Those of you who know me as Kayla Lords know the kinky submissive who writes reasonably decent erotica. Some of you know me as the open and honest woman who accepts everyone else’s kinks, even those I don’t understand. Fewer of you know me as someone who is willing to listen and offer advice or whatever words of wisdom I may have to offer in the moment. You know the curve of my ass. You know the dusky pink of my nipples. You know the curve of my breast. You know the most intimate parts of who I am.
But you don’t know my real name. You don’t know where I live. You don’t know my children. We could pass each other on the street and never know it. Some of you are as dear to me as my own family and yet, I’m ephemeral and hazy as a real life woman.
The vanillas in my life know me as daughter, mother, niece, friend, ex-wife, fellow professional, and more. They know that I’m Type A, OCD, with a need to be in control of my life. They know (sometimes) when I’m broker than broke without two pennies to rub together. They know when I’m frustrated and angry. They know my children and the details of some parts of my life intimately. They know I don’t judge. They know (from the prism of their own conservative views) that I’m a tree-hugging, hippy liberal. They know I don’t fit any molds, and that I don’t always care that I’m different than most people. They know I worry. They know I care deeply about the people I love. They know I have a drive and desire to succeed and excel that few possess.
But they don’t know that I call the man who owns my heart “Daddy.” They don’t know I write erotica – that I made my dream of writing a reality. They don’t know that I live a secret online life filled with kinky fuckery. They only know the image I present to them.
Sometimes, I wish I could let you know who I really am, that I could become solid and real. Sometimes, I wish I could share some of Kayla Lords with my vanilla friends and family. Sometimes.
I don’t regret hiding. I don’t plan to change a thing. But I would be a fool and a liar if I didn’t admit, at least to myself, that I am always hiding.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt was to discuss what we think of when we see the word “hidden;” what’s hidden in our lives. Call me Captain Obvious, but this was the only thing that came to mind.