I’m hiding in plain sight. I hide some part of myself in nearly every facet of my life.
Those of you who know me as Kayla Lords know the kinky submissive who writes reasonably decent erotica. Some of you know me as the open and honest woman who accepts everyone else’s kinks, even those I don’t understand. Fewer of you know me as someone who is willing to listen and offer advice or whatever words of wisdom I may have to offer in the moment. You know the curve of my ass. You know the dusky pink of my nipples. You know the curve of my breast. You know the most intimate parts of who I am.
But you don’t know my real name. You don’t know where I live. You don’t know my children. We could pass each other on the street and never know it. Some of you are as dear to me as my own family and yet, I’m ephemeral and hazy as a real life woman.
The vanillas in my life know me as daughter, mother, niece, friend, ex-wife, fellow professional, and more. They know that I’m Type A, OCD, with a need to be in control of my life. They know (sometimes) when I’m broker than broke without two pennies to rub together. They know when I’m frustrated and angry. They know my children and the details of some parts of my life intimately. They know I don’t judge. They know (from the prism of their own conservative views) that I’m a tree-hugging, hippy liberal. They know I don’t fit any molds, and that I don’t always care that I’m different than most people. They know I worry. They know I care deeply about the people I love. They know I have a drive and desire to succeed and excel that few possess.
But they don’t know that I call the man who owns my heart “Daddy.” They don’t know I write erotica – that I made my dream of writing a reality. They don’t know that I live a secret online life filled with kinky fuckery. They only know the image I present to them.
Sometimes, I wish I could let you know who I really am, that I could become solid and real. Sometimes, I wish I could share some of Kayla Lords with my vanilla friends and family. Sometimes.
I don’t regret hiding. I don’t plan to change a thing. But I would be a fool and a liar if I didn’t admit, at least to myself, that I am always hiding.
Welcome to Wicked Wednesday! This week’s prompt was to discuss what we think of when we see the word “hidden;” what’s hidden in our lives. Call me Captain Obvious, but this was the only thing that came to mind.
I am happy to be one to know all of the facets of your hidden life and call you friend.
I’m happy you are, too! ((HUGS))
I totally understand being hidden. It’s the way I have lived my life for so long I don’t even know who the real me is anymore. I am slowly trying to find a part of myself with someone I have come to trust, but the rest will always see the me that had been seen for the last 18 years.
It’s hard, but when you find the right one, so worth it. ((HUGS))
DMW is fascinated by this concept. He has told me that everyone is hiding something. It may not be a big bad secret, but he is convinced that everyone has something they keep only for their own enjoyment, whether it is a package of gummi bears purchased every time you stop at the convenience store and devour by yourself or a particular type of kink that you think no one would understand. After a while though, some of the things we hide get tiresome 🙂 Great thought for the day Kayla.
I think he’s right. Everyone has their thing. I’m the nosy-butt who always wants to know…even the innocent stuff, but that just makes the person that much more fascinating.
Only a very few of my true friends know about my kink and accept it. Generally speaking I don’t mind divulging. After all it is a part of who I am. There is also Princess too consider of course. She wants to keep a very low profile and I respect that very much.
Sometimes we tend to think accepting someone else in whom she/he is something reciprocal. It is not always the case. A few decades ago I fought for my sister trying desperately to help our mother accept my sis was gay and later she even married her girlfriend :-). I myself had no trouble whatsoever with that, happiness is what counts. When I sort of came out of the closet, a few years ago, just superficial talk about my kink, it was one of the prime things that estranged us as she started to think badly about me.
So there you have it. Keeping secrets or letting trusted people in is always like dancing on a cord. You never know what other people’s real opinions are.
Keen observation Sir, mutual acceptance is never a guarantee. I found this even at a local munch and I was very surprised.
I’m often surprised that there are unaccepting people in the kink community…but people are people, regardless of kinks, and some people just don’t accept what they don’t like. Unfortunately.
You’re right, we don’t. Which is why I don’t divulge this side of my life to anyone in the vanilla world. I think I know how they will react and it’s not something I want to deal with. I think if I was asked point-blank, I’d probably respond honestly. I don’t lie but I will refuse to answer or speak (a lie by omission, maybe?).
There are days when I want to tell the world that I call my husband Sir, and explain why. It’s just that this lifestyle has brought me happiness that is beyond anything any of my vanilla world friends and family can ever achieve.
And don’t you worry girl, you won’t get past me on the street, I know who I’m looking for! ;D and look forward to the day we can meet in RL.
This is exactly how I feel, Mynx. What I thought was a terrific marriage, is being blown out of the water now. MrHH commented on it this week himself. We just didn’t realize how we were hiding from each other and how it was eroding our relationship. Only a few months in and we already can see the changes and the deepening of our love for each other. It is mind boggling. Much more than I ever even imagined or bargained for.
It’s true Angel…. This lifestyle strips you down to bare your soul with your Dom/lover, so there is no crap or BS to foul up the relationship. The respect, devotion, and passion can blossom and grow! It’s actually spectacular, and those living in a vanilla world are clueless! Yet we are shamed to live this lifestyle in secret, to protect our jobs, family, and ourselves from judgement! It’s very sad!
I’m coming at this at a different angle, as Daddy and I meant knowing what the other was, but my mind sometimes finds it hard to grasp how good this relationship is – how its unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced (even with my first Sir). This is a real life, grown-up, relationship with unconditional love and full communication…oh yeah, and hot, kinky sex! Wow.
I can’t imagine having this from the beginning of our relationship and how much different we would be now, 22 years later. No crazy habits to overcome! I just love reading about your relationship with SSir. It always makes me smile at the love that just bursts through the words. Obviously, it has made a difference.
/blush. It seems so natural and easy to me that I can’t imagine what it must look like from the outside. I’m glad it’s noticeable. 🙂
I look forward to it, too! A kinky roadtrip may be in order…pick up all our pals and head south to Florida! 🙂
And I think you’re right. My desire, when it occurs, to tell the world stems from my pure happiness – happiness with the man I love, happiness at discovering who I really am, contentment in my life.
My mother has commented, frequently, that I seem happy, and of course, she attributes it to SSir (which is correct) but she may never know that it’s because I found myself and I get to be myself with someone who loves me unconditionally. It’s a powerful thing.
I think many of us have the same: two different lives. For me there are some vague lines, as my direct family and closest colleagues know I write erotica, but they have no idea what my pseudonym is. Sometimes I wish I can just be one person and do not have to hide certain aspects of who I am. But I guess, this is all just part of life, right…
You’re right, it’s just a part of life. Sometimes I think that if I’m ever a “successful” erotica author – not sure what my definition of successful will be – that I’ll tell my mother and aunt (as my only two close family members other than my boys). But, knowing me as Kayla Lords the author means they could (and probably will) learn about Kayla Lords the kinkster…and that’s the thing that makes me nervous.
But God, I’d love to share the fact that I made the writing dream come true with them.
…and then, with that desire realised, you discover that someone, hiding behind the anonymity of the ‘net feels that he/she needs to expose you to an extent far greater than you imagined, because, well who knows what crap lurks out there.
In the meantime, we’ll fill in the gaps, pretend to know you; and, what is reality anyway.
You’re very right, and I try to be very circumspect about who I allow to know the vanilla side of my life.
Those of you who read the blog probably know me better than any vanillas – at least, in an intimate way 😉
Profound post. Living a double life wearies the soul.
Sometimes it does. The freedom that can be found is tempered by the hiding of oneself in other ways.
Ah, the hiding. I have lived so much of my life in hiding, I scarcely know when I move from person to person. I am finding, however, that the more I slip into D/s with Mr. HH, the less I want to hide anymore. I have to carefully guard my words and actions. Much like what Mynx said, I am so much happier, I just want to tell everyone. But coming out would be disastrous, not only to my conservative religious family, but to my professional career. Sigh. I tire of hiding. I long to integrate. The more I hide from the others, the more I want to withdraw from them so I can be alone with Sir and be myself. Excellent thoughts, K!
I think that’s true too. The flipside to not being able to share where the happiness truly comes from is that I want to close myself off with him, just him, because I can be completely myself with SSir – and no one else.
I have felt the same way as Peeps DMW. No matter if you are lifestyle, vanilla, or something else people have something they hide away, their own version of a dirty little secret.
As far as the part of me that is hidden away in the lifestyle of TTWD I have at least found some solace in the local community. Attending munches and community social events brings people together of a like mind which has helped.
I to though at times find myself wanting to shout out about who I am and what I do. Often I think about telling my immediate family but I know that would go over like a lead balloon.
((HUGS)) I can’t wait to meet others in the local community with you. Maybe I’ll feel less hidden… 🙂
Hiding is often necessary – as long as you can be yourself with the one you love, life is pretty darn good 😉
I agree completely!
I think that be it a “vanilla” or “Life-Style” of choice, you could feel and perhaps assume a hidden and solaced flavor, outside of your true and closest friends and family members… and that is surely a lonely place to be at times and yet it is so compelling to just imagine how another’s presented personality is perceived…
The hidden, secret agenda’s and trait’s, shared with a few though can be so intimate and embracing to celebrate and live with each other…
A wonderful, thought provoking post Kayla…
Thank you, Joseph.
And you’re right. Letting someone in on the “secret” is extremely intimate.
I’ve always been a straightforward, simple kind of woman. What you see is what you get. With this, I am – in this space…but it’s strange because I know I’m walking around the “regular” world, not being transparent about a big part of myself. That being said, the world doesn’t necessarily need to know about that part of who I am…only my intimates do. 🙂
I think the thing to remember is that we are all hiding things. How often do we find that the righteous conservatives or spouting politicians are the ones who indulge freely in the “immorality” they rant against. The Victorians, incorrectly remembered as “prudish”: as a society they weren’t, they produced TONS of erotica and pornography!
So yes, I am (more) open about my secrets than most, but I am under no illusions that the same conservative who may criticise me is likely to be enjoying the same sort of pleasures. Only, I can admit it pseudo-semi-anonymously on my blog; they won’t admit it at all.
I agree completely. Now that I have my own hidden secret, I look at people differently now, wondering with (usually) amused curiosity what they may be hiding.
And I am MUCH less tolerant (not that I was ever truly tolerant) of the hypocrites who tell the world how we should live our lives, but are in the background living it up in kinky fuckery.
I feel very lucky that I can fairly out about who I am and what I do. The one area that I tend to keep more private is the parents of my kids friends and some extended family but I am fairly sure they all know who I am but I don’t push it in their face and so they are able to ‘ignore’ it.
I think that’s the level I’d like to be at. Know it’s there, but not push it on anyone so it can be ignored if that’s what makes them more comfortable.
I love your blog I’ve just discovered, and what you show of your life with SouthernSir (so romantic !). I just write this word to THANK you. You seem to be a very beautiful person, in all ways. Respect and admiration.
Concerning ‘Always hidding’, there are fashions (50 shades of grey), and periods favourable to understanding and acceptance ; and then for some reason or other, the public opinion turns its back to you and condemns you : for example, this is what happens to gay people, wherever the law authorizes marriage between persons of the same sex. I know this is not very encouraging, but… caution (sorry for my poor English)
Thank you for visiting and your comment!
I’m not sure the world is so understanding even now after 50 Shades, but I know what you’re talking about. 🙂
I’ve read here and there that 50SG was not well seen in the community which lives ‘the lifestyle’. But as s.o. from the vanilla world, i have difficulties to see why. For me, reading this book was a revelation. I’m going to sound very banal, but like many other women (I suppose), I’ve often had fantasies of submission, being tied, etc., but thought that was abnormal and vicious. When in everyday life my husband required to be in command, to be obeyed, the feminist in me revolted, and there often was a fight between us.Now I understand that it’s his way to handle situations and to care for us, and that our roles in the couple don’t have to be the same, and that sometimes it’s good to let it go : all things that you explain in your writings. I’ve discovered that my husband is a dominant, in life, if not in bed. I think that’s a great progress for both of us.
I wish you a sweet week-end !
From the perspective of the lifestyle, it’s not a good depiction. Some women, because of 50 shades, have found themselves in VERY bad relationships because they thought what they read in the book was how it’s supposed to be.
That being said, I acknowledge that many vanillas have opened up to more kink in their lives because of that book – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
There is strength in submission, and I definitely consider myself a feminist – so there’s definitely room for both. 🙂
Understanding each other better is ALWAYS good progress. I wish you luck and happiness!
We all hide in some way or another from someone or something. It is part of being human and surviving. Just know why you do what you do and as long as it is not detrimental or damaging I say it is ok
That’s how I feel too. I’m not going to change what I’m doing…but I will admit that I’m hiding. 🙂
My kink is totally hidden, except from all my erotic blogging friends and readers – and also my gorgeous partner of course!! It is kind of hard to live a double life but for both of us it is safer that way so it is the way it has to be. We find our way as do many others irrespective of how “out” they are or not!!
I agree – it is definitely safer. When SSir and I are together, I’m going to be active in the local community, as he is, but that’s probably as “out” as we’ll ever get…except online where we can enjoy our kinky fuckery, of course. 🙂