Give and Take in #Dominance and #Submission

There’s a lot of talk about give and take in the world of dominance and submission (D/s), a yin and yang of sexual pleasures. In a strong pairing of Dominant and submissive, the two complement each other – sometimes naturally with little effort and sometimes after a great deal of communication and work. Most of what I read is sexual in nature – the fitting of kinky preferences like a key into a lock.

If you’re reading this now, I’m either driving my Daddy to the airport or he’s already gone. And I am sad – very sad. While our sexual preferences pair well, we’ve also discovered new desires in our time together. But after a week together, the give and take on my mind is in no way sexual.

I’ve spent most of my adult life – even while I was married – taking care of things on my own. I am the laundry-folder, dinner-cooker, child-bather, lunch-packer, nose-wiper, hug-giver, and a lot of other hyphenated things. I never have been good at requesting help, and I’m even worse at accepting assistance. Daddy doesn’t give me much choice, though.

Every time I ask or he offers to help with some small (or very big thing), I apologize or worry that I’m asking too much. He, in turn, gives me “The Look” that all Dominants seem to know – the look is right up there with the voice they all seem to have, too. I blink, nod, and do as I’m told.

Yes, he’s my Dominant, and he’s in control; his word is final. He drives the train, but like any good relationship – vanilla or kinky – we work together to get to where we want to go. I enjoy taking care of him – rubbing his back, cooking and serving his meals, making his coffee, and a million other mundane things. I seek out his opinion and advice, sometimes plaintively begging for him to tell me what to do. In turn, he takes care of me in his own way – babysitting me after my wisdom teeth were pulled (true story), cleaning gooey sap off my car, stirring the pot of yummy goodness that ended up being dinner. I’m not a good enough writer to explain what he does for me and what I try to do for him. I could list everything, but no one wants to read that.

The D/s part of who we are gives him as much control as he wants to take (and I want him to take as much as he can). But as in any relationship (regardless of kink), we have to work together in order to survive. Our success depends on giving and taking.

About the author

Kayla Lords

I am a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, international speaker, kink educator, and all-around kinky woman. You can find me online sharing my innermost sexual thoughts and experiences, teaching other bloggers how to make money writing about sex, and helping kinksters have happy healthy BDSM relationships. I'm also a masochistic babygirl submissive with an amazing and sadistic Daddy Dom and business partner, John Brownstone. Welcome to my kinky corner of the internet!


  • I know, and understand that sence of loss when your Sir/Daddy goes away, as my Sir travels for his work and is away a lot. And there is no easy way to cope with them being gone. But having the connection that you so beautifully speak about is the one thing that will carry you through the separation. Having that strong bond, the foundation in place, keeps you mindful of your desires for him, and for the commitment you have to one another. Keep your heart and mind full of the memories you both have had for each other this past week, and it will help carry you both till the next “reunion”. Hugs friend!


    • Thank you. Driving to the airport was hard, taking his luggage out of my car was hard, and then the final straw was when my youngest cried once he figured out that we wouldn’t see him for a few more weeks. 🙁

      But, the next wait is only three weeks, and I have plenty to keep me busy in the meantime. 🙂

  • As I readd this, I thought I should be envious….but I’m not. All I am is filled with joy for the wonderful happiness you two have found together. Hot sex is pretty wonderful on its own, but relating to each other, cooperating, giving and taking – that is the truly “Hot Stuff”.
    ((((A million hugs))))

    • I worry (shocking, I know) that it’s too good to be true or that it can’t last…but I remind myself that as long as we continue to communicate and both feel willing to work towards something – whatever it may be – then everything will work out…


  • Honey I’m so happy to hear that things are working out so well with the two of you. There is more to your relationship than sex. D/s has more to do than just that. Even a dom needs to know what his sub wants to be happy and fulfilled.

    Your son crying signifies that not only is Daddy good for you, but good to your children. That’s a bonus. And a must. Our children are always to be thought of first.

    Let him take care of you. You’ve never had that luxury before. It’s what he wants to do. In turn, you will want to take better care of him. It’s a win/win. I’m so happy for you Kayla. So damn happy.

    • Thank you. I had to call him just before I fell asleep last night because I started crying like my youngest and needed to be taken care of in some small way.

      I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but I believe we’ll find a way to take the long distance out of the equation at some point.

  • It sounds as if he has truly taken the time to know who you are and what you are about and not just in the bedroom.
    The fact that he is willing to jump in and take care of you in other ways shows that he is looking for something deeper and meaningful and it seems that he has found it.

  • I think we need more posts like this, Kayla. A lot of people looking into this kind of relationship really dont understand just how (sorry, have to say it) vanilla it is in the sense that there has to be a give and take – no, not as vanilla as it could have been but a key ingredient in all relationships. It’s all about what fits and doesnt fit – not just inside the bedroom 😉

    Oh – and dontcha just love when he gives you that look that says it’s not negotiable? (wipes up drool)

    • I agree completely. I’m trying to devote my Saturday posts to just such a topic because people don’t understand what it’s really like.

      The look or the voice – either way I’m drooling and dripping. 🙂

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